Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Time to blog some shit

This is a series of emails between myself and someone that probably does not want to be identified out of sheer embarrassment that he even associates with me. Way to ruin a political career or quash any hopes of becoming the night manager at McDonald's and instead they will give it to the mentally disabled fry cook who you picked on all throughout middle school and who will make you clean up the puke chunks and errant turds from the ball pen after every shift.

How does one have sex with a tampon on? Let me refer you back to the part where my penis is like a dusty cheeto. Plenty of room for everyone in the vagina pool when I'm swimmin!

I will tell you the short version even though I love to be flowery and long winded.

So me and my girlfriend were going to bang. She leaves the room and tells me to hold on a minute. She comes back we get nude and full of attitude and I get on topof her and achieve penetration. I notice my wang is not alone. I ask what it is, she says dont worry about it. I dont worry about it because im dumb and my penisis in a vagina. I proceed to pump and thrust like a champion and she achieves multiple orgasms for thefirst time in her life she claims. Probably because she can finally feel something with that tampon crammed in there.

Apres sex she goes into the bathroom to remove said tampon as I bask in my greatness. She returns terribly upset and claims she cant find it. So I step up and tell her to lay down and attempt to fish it out. pardon the pun. I must have done quite the number on her because I can barely feel the thing and it is embedded in her fallopian walls. This goes on for about 10 minutes and she just starts crying her eyes out and saying how this happened before once when she couldnt get her tampon out and she almost got toxic shock. So shes crying, I wanna leave, I got fingers in her and my ass is pointing up in the air and everything sucks when all of a sudden...I fart. She looks at me and stops crying and I am scared outof my mind but she starts laughing her ass off and i start laughing and 2 minutes later i found the string. Everybody happy. Chew on that for a while.

oh. my. god. that isn't even right. i have a few things to touch on here:

1. you are an excellent boyfriend
2. losing the string for the second time
3. post-coital farting
4. chewing on that

1. you are an excellent boyfriend. to dig around in a soiled love pocket for 10 minutes alone is commendable. i really do not think i could do the same if i lost a ring or something in my boyfriend's rectum. if there were diamonds on said ring, that may be a completely different story, but you were working with a 3 cent piece of cotton and absolutely no guarantee that you would find it or not get your finger bitten by a pussy troll. i am a pleaser, but i think i woulda said "you're on your own buddy. can you hand me the remote? family guy starts in 10 minutes and i'd appreciate it if you could keep it down during your toxic shock syndrome episode that you are about to have. do we have any pringles?"

2a. ok, so this has obviously happened before. when is she going to learn to stop trying to overstuff her grocery bag? shit breaks when you do that. people just get overzealous sometimes and it becomes some sick game to see how much stuff they can actually squeeze into it and inevitably the bag winds up breaking or the bread gets smushed. it's a disease.

2b. perhaps she should invest in a flashlight and one
of these:

3. i was going to say that was disgusting but then i changed my mind relative to the fact that you were rummaging around in a bloody hole for a used tampon at the time.

4. considering the nature of the email you just sent to me, you are banned from using the phrase "chew on that" ever again.

There reallyw asnt any blood. maybe a spot or two. ireally lucked out. She did too. If I pulled my handout and it was covered in Ragu I would have smacked her in the face with my period hand.

Also it wasnt much of a fart. later on she described the noise as not the actual fart, so much as the sound of my ass cheeks clapping together after wind passed through them.

Also the other time I think it just got lost up there without any vigorous sexual pounding from a fiesty young buck. It was kind of sideways in there to I think it gets real spacious in the back.


Blogger kari said...

you have outdone yourself in the way of the funny, crystal. i can't decide which phrase is my new favorite: "pussy troll" or "overstuff her grocery bag"! either way, you always have been and, continue to be a winner in my book.

1:48 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

That's the best story I have read all day.

5:17 PM  
Blogger Owen Hansen said...

I am completely confused. On the one hand this seems completely genuine...hilarious, and disgusting...and a bit sad. On the other hand, I can't believe it because there is no way...really no way two people not completely tweaked out on coke are having sex around a tampon.

Either way, Kari is right, "Pussy Troll," is the best phrase I have heard in weeks.

8:28 PM  
Anonymous Crystal's Mom said...

I laughed so hard my eyelashes fell out and I snorted coke through my nose. (the diet coke I was drinking--not that white powdery stuff that people who take drugs sniff) I am usually pretty good at multitasking, except I cannot drink and laugh at the same time.

This guy should get the "Boyfriend of the Year" award! He saved this girl several hundreds of dollars from an Emergency Room visit by performing that tampon retrieval heroically himself. I am truly impressed.

Love, Mom

10:00 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

That is FUCKED UP. But a tip for next time, tape (or staple, if you're kinky) the string to her thigh.

6:54 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

funniest/grossest stuff ever

8:23 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

Ah, I should really catch up on your blogs, Crystal..everyone is right, "Pussy Troll" had me laughing, with all sorts of images. You dare to brave the grossest subject matter without batting an eye, and do it in such a way that makes us laugh from the absurdity of everyday life; yet the comedy somehow makes it tactful. I really enjoy that about your stories.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

So fucking wrong on so many levels. I don't have sex when I'm riding the crimson wave, but if I ever did, I would at least have the courtesy of taking my blood plug out before Jay dived in. And pussy troll, man, that is priceless.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

This same thing happened to me once. I think it's the 3rd or 4th grossest thing that I have ever had to endure in the bedroom.

3:40 PM  
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