Oh, Snap!
Holy crap! Yesterday marks the third year I have been writing up on this shiz. This marks the 787th post. Scary. Does this mean I need to run out and buy a storm trooper outfit and start attending conventions and play D&D and quit doing the really cool things that I am already involved in (like doing long division in my head when I’m excited or practicing my alphabet burps or having a perverse obsession with jockstraps and watching football games specifically to see if I can spot any jockstraps through the football pants which is trés hot by the way or saying things like “trés hot”) so I don’t attract other cool people who will pull me into some kind of popular kid monopoly and make me start popping my collar and dying my eyebrows? I don’t think so. I refuse to be a sheep. However, in high school, I remember this one girl eating flowers and another girl leading an imaginary baby chicken around on a leash. But I don’t like the way flowers taste and I prefer a nice big cock. So I am going to stay in the middle somewhere and keep off everyone’s radar and occasionally do the hammer dance at hip parties. This is because I am awesome.
Know what else? This lady that I work with (who is obviously completely unaware of my total coolness) always comes in my office and is all, "I just heard the juiciest rumor about [insert name of person I really don't give a shit about but that I wouldn't mind hearing juicy details about because I am nosey and maybe it will be funny and let's face it, I need as much humor in my day as possible]!" and then I will lean in close and ask what it is and she will be all, "Oh, well I am not going to say anything about it right now, but it is really juicy." Yeah? Well, pin a rose on your nose lady. I am really glad you are privvy to such useful information, but don't come round here wagging your tongue about stuff you have no intention of telling me. I fall for it every time too because I have absolutely no sense. Ridiculous. Anyhow, I am about to go shopping(!!!) so I am peacing out.
Know what else? This lady that I work with (who is obviously completely unaware of my total coolness) always comes in my office and is all, "I just heard the juiciest rumor about [insert name of person I really don't give a shit about but that I wouldn't mind hearing juicy details about because I am nosey and maybe it will be funny and let's face it, I need as much humor in my day as possible]!" and then I will lean in close and ask what it is and she will be all, "Oh, well I am not going to say anything about it right now, but it is really juicy." Yeah? Well, pin a rose on your nose lady. I am really glad you are privvy to such useful information, but don't come round here wagging your tongue about stuff you have no intention of telling me. I fall for it every time too because I have absolutely no sense. Ridiculous. Anyhow, I am about to go shopping(!!!) so I am peacing out.
posted by Crystal at 9:54 AM
10 Comments:
you are awesome... hilarious, and often make drinks shoot outta my nose when i read your posts.
what more can i say?
love ya.
B
Stop! It's Hammer time!
I didn't think you could get any cooler until you mentioned the stormtrooper outfit. That would be the coolest!
this post made me laugh out loud. You are a flittery hummingbird today, lady!! :) it's got great entertainment value.
but the real question is...do you have hammer pants?
Next time she teases you, tell her you don't believe she knows anything. See if that loosens her tongue.
Nah, I say start some shit and tell her that [insert name, yadda yadda] has some juicy gossip about her.
And don't hate on the blogs too much. Without it you never would have met me. By "met" I mean lusted after me in your heart, seeing my face in the multitudes of mens you sleep with and dreaming of aural sex. And by "me" I mean the playa persona I've led you believe is the real me, not the caring, sensitive, mature, yadda yadda.
I think, rather than the stormtrooper outfit, we were all hoping for slave Princess Leah.
Pin a rose on your nose! Awesome. That's what my mother says.
You're like my mom in so many ways, actually -- for example, you're both bipeds. And you both talk incessantly about pussy-trolls...
You are an institution...a mental one. Keep making my days more crazy.
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