Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Oh, Snap!

Holy crap! Yesterday marks the third year I have been writing up on this shiz. This marks the 787th post. Scary. Does this mean I need to run out and buy a storm trooper outfit and start attending conventions and play D&D and quit doing the really cool things that I am already involved in (like doing long division in my head when I’m excited or practicing my alphabet burps or having a perverse obsession with jockstraps and watching football games specifically to see if I can spot any jockstraps through the football pants which is trés hot by the way or saying things like “trés hot”) so I don’t attract other cool people who will pull me into some kind of popular kid monopoly and make me start popping my collar and dying my eyebrows? I don’t think so. I refuse to be a sheep. However, in high school, I remember this one girl eating flowers and another girl leading an imaginary baby chicken around on a leash. But I don’t like the way flowers taste and I prefer a nice big cock. So I am going to stay in the middle somewhere and keep off everyone’s radar and occasionally do the hammer dance at hip parties. This is because I am awesome.

Know what else? This lady that I work with (who is obviously completely unaware of my total coolness) always comes in my office and is all, "I just heard the juiciest rumor about [insert name of person I really don't give a shit about but that I wouldn't mind hearing juicy details about because I am nosey and maybe it will be funny and let's face it, I need as much humor in my day as possible]!" and then I will lean in close and ask what it is and she will be all, "Oh, well I am not going to say anything about it right now, but it is really juicy." Yeah? Well, pin a rose on your nose lady. I am really glad you are privvy to such useful information, but don't come round here wagging your tongue about stuff you have no intention of telling me. I fall for it every time too because I have absolutely no sense. Ridiculous. Anyhow, I am about to go shopping(!!!) so I am peacing out.


Blogger bronxbt said...

you are awesome... hilarious, and often make drinks shoot outta my nose when i read your posts.

what more can i say?

love ya.


10:31 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Stop! It's Hammer time!

12:16 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

I didn't think you could get any cooler until you mentioned the stormtrooper outfit. That would be the coolest!

2:38 PM  
Blogger jay are said...

this post made me laugh out loud. You are a flittery hummingbird today, lady!! :) it's got great entertainment value.

10:49 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

but the real question is...do you have hammer pants?

11:20 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...

Next time she teases you, tell her you don't believe she knows anything. See if that loosens her tongue.

5:58 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

Nah, I say start some shit and tell her that [insert name, yadda yadda] has some juicy gossip about her.

And don't hate on the blogs too much. Without it you never would have met me. By "met" I mean lusted after me in your heart, seeing my face in the multitudes of mens you sleep with and dreaming of aural sex. And by "me" I mean the playa persona I've led you believe is the real me, not the caring, sensitive, mature, yadda yadda.

6:48 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I think, rather than the stormtrooper outfit, we were all hoping for slave Princess Leah.

8:19 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

Pin a rose on your nose! Awesome. That's what my mother says.
You're like my mom in so many ways, actually -- for example, you're both bipeds. And you both talk incessantly about pussy-trolls...

1:28 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

You are an institution...a mental one. Keep making my days more crazy.

9:57 PM  

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