Friday, November 09, 2007

The Big Fitz

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of one of the most tragic days in American history. The name of the tragedy shall not even leave my fingertips as I know that just the words alone are a stab to the heart of mankind and will bring tears to the eyes to all persons not excluding the very young, the very old, the skinny, the fat, and the naked guy washing his testicles on the street corner with a spit-soaked paper towel.

Sometimes I pretend that I am Dr. Samuel Beckett (except a much prettier and smarter version with impeccably groomed eyebrows) and that I have gotten thrust into 1975 Wisconsin where I am happily wiggling under Captain McSorely (who looks exactly like Ryan but he is dressed like George Washington) before he departs in a few days when Al (who always kills my buzz) appears and tells me that Big Edmund was going to mysteriously sink in three days and I needed to make sure that Captain McSorely was not on the boat because in 15 years our severely retarded child would get the world record for eating 17 pieces of newsprint in under one minute. If the captain went down, then he could not impregnate me and our bastard child would never be born and that would mean that he would not make the world record and that would suck. So I try everything. I put on my cutest hip huggers and tie a scarf in a knot around my neck so it hangs down and draws attention to my small but firm breasts. I steal his white knee socks and hide them under the hamper. I send him to the store for some Summer’s Eve at 5:00 so he will hit traffic and then hopefully miss his launch. Apparently, they sell it at the gas station so he is back in 10 minutes. I ask him to look at a suspicious mole located on my left shoulder blade. He thinks it will be ok. I go to the bathroom to reapply my lip gloss and spend an inordinate amount of time staring into my own eyes and when I come out he is gone.


Blogger Blur said...

Reading this hurts my head.
Small but firm???

1:42 PM  
Blogger heatherfeather said...

The other day, I was at a meeting, a woman walked in, introduced herself to everyone. The meeting started, and about 2 minutes in, she said, "I think they told me the wrong time or place for this meeting. I don't know what's happening here, but I feel like I don't belong."

For some reason I can totally relate to her right now.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

when did they get small? is THAT where you lost the 25lbs?

7:54 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I think we need that Gordon Lightfoot song, which refers to the tragedy, playing in the background for this supremely Dadist dream of yours. I get the underlying fear of this dream, though.

You are worth noticing and sticking around for.

10:44 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

oh boy

6:33 AM  
Blogger j-me said...

Reading the others' comments was like a warm fuzzy comforting to know it's not just me...and i'm not just retarded and i haven't just found out that i have no depth.

6:41 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

i think it is kind of funny that this post (which makes complete sense to me) refers to time travel, sex with a captain who looked like george washington, a severely retarded kid eating newspaper and even mentions a douche by brand name but the one thing that both blur and sean notice is my small breasts.

i am not surprised at all that the grunt got this because his knowledge is absolutely limitless (especially when it comes to random crazy shit).

heather and j-me...i had actually just learned about the SS Edmund Fitzgerald sinking on the radio when i wrote it and sometimes i really do throw myself into old "quantum leap" episodes and try to save people in my head. plus, i have a case of the perverteds for men with white knee socks and wigs.

tinyhands - you get me! you really really get me!

7:25 AM  
Blogger Nessa said...

Very funny and imaginative.

1:16 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

i'm not sure whether to comment on your creative musings of history, your delicable ('cuz i'm sure they'd be...) wigglings, or comments about small and firm breasts (my preference, btw)

sooo.... um...

*scamper scamper* (off into wilderness)

7:59 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...


11:55 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

I used to love Quantum Leap. However, that does not make you any less crazy :-)

9:07 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

I remember this blog!

9:03 AM  

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