Thursday, November 15, 2007

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option

i think it was probably dr. phil who said that.

know what i just realized? dr. phil has genitals. do you ever look at people and think - that man has genitals! probably not. great. i am so sexually frustrated that i am thinking about dr. phil's balls and i am not nearly as grossed out as i should be.

every time i see an aloe plant, i have the urge to break it off and put its gooey goodness all over my hand and nonchalantly drag it across someone's arm/hand/face while implying that it has been a very very long time since i last got goosed. this is because aloe juice has the same physical properties as gina drip. and also because i am very immature. i finally did it to my friend once. i grabbed ahold of his hand, aloe dripping from my fingertips and told him that it had been a long time, a really long time, fully expecting him to shriek in disgust and run for the bathroom. however, he immediately smelled his fingers, then stuck them in his mouth and said, "let's go". it backfired. then i had to give him the whole talk about how he was a great guy, but we were just friends and i was just kidding and he really just got a mouth full of aloe plant fluid. however, it was kinda hot that he was ready to go like that.


and also, hillary clinton has a clitoris.


Blogger bronxbt said...

jeez, you should write children's books.

as long as i get to illustrate them. ( remmeber that one?)

anyway, scary i actually knew about the vag properties to aloe info.. hmmm. strangely disturbing.

someone told me once that drPhil's balls likely look a lot like his forehead. so... i'm basically completely ruined now and can't function in society.

regarding clinton? a simple misspelling of her last name alone causes uncontrollable shudders and nausea.

thanks for that.
lurve ya


(come vote today on and help me pitch it...! shitty vote turnout this week)

1:25 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

how and when did you figure out the similarities between the fluids?

i've had aloe juice before. and i've gotta say, if i stuck my fingers and tasted anything like that, i'd seriously think something was wrong with your vag and as hot as you are, i think my penis would try to run and hide.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

you are ridiculous-- how did you come up with that about aloe. You crack me up

1:51 PM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I went to a client meeting yesterday and met the new controller. He wore his pants rather high and then they dipped blankly between his legs. The entire FUCKING time, all I could think about was whether he had a penis.

It is so comforting to know that my crazy head is normal in some circles.

PS: Found you via a Clearly Ridiculous comment (and glad I made the stumble)

2:40 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I prefer the viscocity of old hag vaginas myself. It is like that of the jelly in canned meats.

You know, I really could have spent the time reading this post doing something else. Are you up for a game of "ping pong"?

12:05 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Hilary....that is just disturbing. I cannot even imagine her having sex with Bill...and I think he's hot and probably freaky...but Hilary? EEWWWW!

4:37 AM  
Blogger Andre Veloux said...

Wacky post indeed.

Quality not quantity is the key, but then when your quantity is hovering near the zero point I guess your mind wanders

9:38 AM  
Blogger rik-kidlat said...

you know that there's a drink made of aloe juice. and it's not bad at all. you could find it at asian or oriental stores. and it's not bad tasting either.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

I love that is soooo true.

6:34 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Why has it been a really long time? I thought you hadda boyfren.

I'm ready too.

5:01 PM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

i'm pretty sure hilary doesn't have a clitoris -- if she did, wouldn't she be a much happier and more feminine person?
as to the other, now i have to add aloe plants to the long list of things that make me think of woman parts...

11:18 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...

You should be ashamed of yourself, telling people lies about Dr. Phil and Hilary.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

funny..I always thought Hillary had a penis.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...

Merry Belated Turkey Holiday. Come look at my gobbler.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Next time I have a sunburn can you rub your vagina on it

9:45 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

You are my husbands soul mate in grossness, I swear. While reading this post, I had to make sure it wasn't his blog. Any way he can bring jizz into a conversation, he will. And if he doesn't get sex at least once a week, he thinks he is sexually deprived.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I think aloe juice is the closest I am going to get for a while. Thanks for the softcore.

10:24 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Good thing you're not into paper mache. (not sure what that means)

9:31 AM  
Blogger jay are said...

so where exactly have you gone???

8:41 PM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I can't believe I lost you for so long!

This is going to make walking past aloe difficult...although not too much so since I live in fucking Utah and it's colder than cold. That doesn't make me not want to do it any less though.

10:18 AM  

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