Thursday, November 01, 2007

yo slick, blow

My mother was an angel for Halloween. She drove to work in her convertible with the top down so that her wings would fit. Someone, obviously distracted by her angelic beauty, almost plowed into her. When she recounted the details of the near accident, she added matter-of-factly, “Would have been funny to wind up in Hell today dressed like an angel” and then she giggled. My mom totally thinks she is going to Hell when she dies. I’m kind of glad though because at least I know I’ll have someone to pet my hair when I get there. I kid. I don’t believe in Hell. I believe in energy and flowers and pink bunny rabbits and Franzia and odorless, soundless flatulence.

I have this really thick lotion that I obsessively put on throughout the day. I also fondle my face a lot. This morning, I apparently had an entire conversation with my boss’ boss’ boss and looked like I had just finished a bukake show. How embarrassing. I don’t want him thinking that I do bukake shows during the week! How irresponsible would that be?? Not only would it interfere with my work, office germs would stick to my face and I could get sick. I read somewhere that there lives germs from at least 6 different penises on any given office door handle. I don’t want that anywhere near my mucus membranes. Which is why I stopped opening doors with my vagina.

10 Comments:

Blogger Nessa said...

OK, ewwwww.

8:42 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

The amount of men that do not wash their hands after using the bathroom is staggering. What's even more mindblowing is watching a dude smell his finger afterwards.

Bukake replenishes and moisturizes the pores of the skin.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Hey, with as often as I've had to play with my OWN unit nowadays, a great many of those "dick germs" could be mine. Even though I do wash my hands.

Oh, and btw, tag you're it. Come to me if you want to participate.

2:45 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

i'm not sure which part was funnier...

9:29 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I hate door handles with a passion. I am considering wearing latex gloves to work...so that when I shake strangers' hands I won't become a victim of their nasty germs. Think I'd get weird looks?

10:44 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

According to my mom, I've been going to hell since I was 4. So why try?

And, MEN ARE FUCKING GROSS. It is one thing for me to fondle a penis and not wash my hands, but for a guy to do it and not wash his hands is disgusting. Especially after he just went pee. Gross.

5:30 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

So, what? Are you suggesting I stop opening doors with my penis?

6:54 AM  
Anonymous Talina said...

When I worked at a resort their was a lady that carried plastic bags with her to open doors, take things from people and she wore a gas mask to germ free... She got silly looks!

Loved this funny blog post!

12:34 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Your mom is my new hero.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

I thought odorless, soundless flatulence was a myth...

9:26 AM  

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