Monday, December 17, 2007

at the drive in, in the old man's ford, behind the bushes...

I had a great weekend considering the fact that I am living in the body of an 80 year old…and, having said that, I’d better not get any perverted emails requesting pictures of my privates. Don’t lie. You wonder what it looks like.

I fell last weekend at the skating party and I am pretty sure I cracked/bruised a rib. I wasn’t even skating. My feet flew out from under me all willy-nilly and I landed squarely on my ribs. I’d like to think that I did a couple of good “Whoa..WHOA…WHOAS!” while my feet slid around carelessly on the beer soaked floor because at least then I would have had a chance. I don’t know. I just remember being up, then down, then trying to figure out how to get back up, then someone pulling me up, then skating away blinking rapidly trying to figure out what just happened and if my torso was actually dislocated from the rest of me or if my organs had just been jostled to smushed peas and most importantly, just how many people saw my panties. And! It happened right in front of my boyfriend. How embarrassing.

So, being that I have a cracked/bruised rib…and such…and whatnot… this past week would be the prime week for me to develop some sort of evil virus that makes me cough and sneeze incessantly. Every time I do, it feels like my pussy troll has escaped the far reaches of my dusty womb and started trying to bust out of me via my chest cavity. It effing sucks. Trying to hold it in only makes it hurt more and I know if I go to the doctor I will inevitably wind up with a finger in my ass.

So I am screwed and I am sick. But I did have a spectacular weekend.

P.S. I was looking at my Google Analytics and saw that someone found this blog by searching "i have extra meat in my vagina hole". Discuss.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

What doctor do you go see?!?

10:58 AM  
Anonymous slug said...

I know a guy who does free breast exams.

4:53 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I hope you get feeling better and your p-troll behaves itself.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

Sorry, I cracked a rib some time ago, and remember needing to sneeze or caugh... and it was epic...But to have a cold/flu..

I'm very sorry, sounds Truly AWEFUL

10:48 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...

Maybe you cracked a rib because you were laughing too much.

9:01 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

Damn sickness. It just never comes at a good time.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've seen naked old people. Yeah, definitely keep your pics offline.


7:10 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

jerk - i dunno. it's only happened twice. well, actually one time it didn't happen because the doctor was huge and his index finger was the size of a large very ripe cucumber and i told him where he could stick that. he wanted to alleviate some constipation that i'd been having. i told him hell no and drank some phosphosoda and 30 minutes later i shit for, like, 3 days straight.

slug - what's his number?

grunt - i feel like an idiot complaining about this when you are going through chemo! hope YOU'RE feeling better!

eric - did you happen to get the hiccups too? i did last night. talk about epic.

nessa - i wish. although i do have a very boisterous cackle, i am pretty sure it was breaking my fall with my ribs on the concrete floor. i think i laughed at the time because i was embarrassed, but inside i was all, "What the hell just happened and why does my left boobie feel like it has jumped off my chest? I am going to die. I am going to freaking die with a finger-less glove on and several tiny belts. Just my freaking luck. I hate my life." and on the outside I was all "ahahahahaha!"

christie - it is never a good time for sickness. unless someone wants me to go with them to The Boat Show at the George R. Brown Convention Center. then is a good time for sickness. i start eating raw pork like a whole week before the show. never works though.

humble beginnings - and just what profession have you gotten yourself into now?! surely Confession hasn't changed that much since i was a little girl.

8:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, my bad...

I've seen autopsies before

7:19 PM  

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