Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Solving the skid marks mystery and other shit

1. For my best friend’s 26th birthday, three of us decided to go to New Orleans (pre-Katrina). One of her birthday missions was to collect a pair of worn man underpants. We met one quiet, sweet guy who bought us several beers so she decided to ask him. He immediately went to the restroom and returned with a pair of white boxer briefs. We were very appreciative as we are all fans of white boxer briefs. Until we left the bar and curiosity made one of the girls peek inside. I have never seen anything like it before. Had his behind exploded in a terrible sharting accident?? Had he just said “Eh, I don’t really feel like wiping, I will just let my butthole rub up against my shorts for the next three hours.” There was about 6 inches of doodoofeces remnants smeared into the seat of the unnerwears. So we went for pizza with the soiled panties propped on our table and entered into discussion on why guys get skid marks and girls don’t. We freaking cracked the code, ladies and gentlemen! We figured it out! I really should be charging for this information. The reason that guys get skid marks and girls don’t is because guys’ anuses are coated in hair and it is nearly impossible to clean it thoroughly with a dry piece of tissue. That, and guys are lazy. The end.

2. At Christmas time, my grandpa who can barely make it from the front door to the recliner somehow managed to make it to the drink table several times to fill his coffee cup up with Mad Dog 20-20. In fact, that was the most popular drink of the evening. Nobody even touched the bourbon or the Crown Royal. My family is awesome.

3. This was on a table cloth at the bar we went to on Saturday night. Discuss.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Katrina was caused by skid marks?!



6:19 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I don't get skid marks now that I use a wet wipe as my final swipe to clean my business. In fact, since I've gone through chemotherapy my crack is completely hairless. I've noticed how much easier cleanup is now.

6:59 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...

Bring back the bidet.

3:28 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Skid marks, Mad Dog 20-20, pornographic table coverings. Sounds like a great weekend in Vegas.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

I can't decide what's worse: that the dude actually gave you graffitied underwear or that you ate anything with them propped on the table nearby.

My first thought when I saw that picture? why is there a pig's nose coming out of that vajayjay?

12:16 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

are you telling me pears DON'T have vaginas?

my world is closing in....


12:54 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

Thanks. I was eating. And now my lunch is in the garbage. I'm just not that hungry anymore.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

anonymous...i know, right. who woulda thought? and people thought it was God. Ha!

grunt - i like how you call it your business. my business is closed for business. you can only come in if you have a valid driver's license and an inspection permit.

nessa - it took me 10 minutes to figure out what a bidet was. i was all bid-it? what the heck is a bid-it? and then a lightbulb went off and i can't stop thinking about them.

chris - i think we need a fat elvis for that. however, it all happened right here in h-town. i didn't even tell you about the dirty mailman.

effortlessly average - haha on the pear. as far as eating with the underwear, i have to say that 1. we were drunk and 2. every time we looked at them we had the laugh so hard no sound comes out reaction and that was worth forgoing the sanitation laws of the universe that we were probably breaking.

bronx - put it in the microwave for no longer than 15 seconds and you won't be able to tell

christie - yeah. mad dog 20/20 grosses me out too.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Graffiti said...

Bronxbt has got it right. That is not a pear it is a camel toe and that is how ladies leave their skid marks.


4:51 AM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

Uh - it's a pear?

I guess I left my dirty mind at home today.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

The skidmark story is KILLING me!

10:14 AM  

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