Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Things I learned on my trip to England

1. Brits sound cheery even when they are pissed. And by pissed, I mean angry – not drunk. Even though most Brits are pissed most of the time. And by pissed, I mean drunk.

2. Pissed means drunk. Fanny means vagina. Cheeky means naughty. Plaster means Band-Aid. Dogging.

3. I am solely responsible for the lack of gun control laws in this country. I am also responsible for George Bush killing everyone's buzz.

4. Do not hug the Indonesians no matter how much they look like they want it.

5. If you want the hotel manager to hate you, blow the electricity within the first 5 minutes of check in and then continually harass him about wake up calls, directions and request difficult items such as Band-Aids and water. See #1.

6. Lastly, and most importantly, alcohol content is much higher causing me to give a rather lengthy dissertation/performance art piece to my colleagues on controlling nipple hard-ons, complete with visuals. Thank you thumbs! I am mortified.

London was beautiful. The food was excellent. I will most likely write more about the trip when I get the pictures up and going because, at this point, I don’t remember much.


Blogger Nessa said...

All of it very funny, you bad American Girl, you.

I guess you are very, ahem, famous, at work now; D

11:22 AM  
Blogger Just Jamie said...

I have got to have that nipple conversation with you!!!
You make me laugh so hard!

11:27 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

i'd have flown to london just to hear the dissertation.

1:55 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I know about being blamed for everything wrong with America deal.

When I was living in Northern England I was telling a girl a time I went skiing and my fanny pack got caught in the lift chair, causing me to have a round trip. I had only been there for a few weeks and hadn't yet practiced not saying seemingly harmless words that mean bad things in Britain. You should have seen her face as she thought that my bag of vaginas was caught in the ski lift. I could go on and on.

I would have paid good money to hear your dissertation on RT reduction.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Their veiled civility is charming and somewhat confusing. For example, what other people would claim to have 500 horsepower under the "bonnet"?

9:44 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

I love how they swear over there. I could watch the part of Eurotrip when they are driving to France on the bus over and over because of the drunk English guy swearing over and over.

10:01 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

well then RIGHT-O!
my gawds you are funny, luv.

welcome back. missed ya.


10:35 AM  
Blogger Robot Zombie Vampire said...

I'm surprised you even came back from such a well-fitting land of drunken degradation.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Yo! Slide that cheeky fanny over here before I get pissed. No, the other pissed.

1:34 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

The English butcher their own language.

3:36 PM  
Blogger heatherrreloise said...

your blog is a great read!
i will defiantly be reading this often.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I'm glad to hear (read) you enjoyed yourself. I'm really sorry I didn't get a chance to see you, especially now that I know I missed a nipple demonstration. Seriously, if you had told me you were going to play with your lady bits I would have just skipped my exam.

I hereby place myself at your disposal for the summer.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Huw said...

I once alarmed a fresh off the boat American teammate on my football team when, in the changing rooms at half time, if I "could be cheeky and nick some of your juice."

I think he thought I was going to slice his bottom or something.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

sounds like a good time!

7:08 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

You are hilarious.

That is ok, when I visit the fam in Oz, I spend the first week switching over all of my words that by the time I leave, I need to get my jumper out of the boot, and may I please have some tomato sauce for my chips.

7:37 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

WHat was the, how should I put this, hygiene over in England?

10:08 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

big breath!

nessa - the bad thing about it is i completely forgot saying all of that until my boss reminded me when we returned.

jamie - it's a great technique if you can get it down and it gives you a good 5 minutes of no-nipplage when you need it most.

bryan - i am sure it sounds a lot sexier than it actually was with me talking all loud and grindin gmy poor nipples with my thumbs. not cute.

the grunt - that's what you get for wearing a fanny pack in the first place. shame on you.

chris - that was another thing i learned about! and boot to boot! i learned that i know more spanish than english. if that makes any sense.

christie - i like the way they say "nasty". it sounds like "nosty" and also knickers "knickas". unfortunately, i didn't get to hear much cussing. i guess i need to fuck with the hotel manager a little more next time.

bronx - i didn't hear anyone say "right-o" probably because nobody agreed with anything i said because i am a dumb american.

robot zombie - they kicked me out.

e.a. - you're so cheeky!

neal - um, have you heard americans speak english lately, dawg?

heather - thanks! that makes you a dork, you know that right? ;)

cope - how were the finals anyway? did you make all a's? of course you did.

huw - that sounds like you wanted to slice open his ballbag! i am hoping you just wanted to take a swig o his gatorade. i don't know "nick". does thatmean steal?

photogirl - it was! for me anyway. the people who i got drunk and obscene around probably have a different opinion.

kels - no ketchup there? tomato sauce? is it ketchup or is it really tomato sauce? best fish and chips i have ever had there!!!

thomas - i didn't smell anyone stinky. but you had to pay for toilets. i know people in america that would sooner piss themselves than pay 20 cents to use the bathroom.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Niall said...

I'm so glad I stopped by here!Crystal, I'm really pleased you came to visit these foggy rainy shores....To me England is my home..your views are so funny. but not as funny as the comments...perhaps you'll all have a different point of view if you met me!

10:11 AM  

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