Monday, March 17, 2008

Damn I'm Such A G, It's Pathetic

I haven’t been writing very much because the few brain cells that did not get killed from being exposed to massive clouds of Aquanet by my 1st grade teacher have been completely consumed with how to deal with the influx of STUFF I do at work, trying to keep my mouth from yelling “Pump Me!” every time I see a bicyclist, and also the new Disco Berry flavored Starburst candy.

I got nothin. So I will tell you about my weekend. Brace yourself for some serious antics. Not really.

Friday night, I got kicked out of a bar for the first time ever. Not because of me, though. The worst thing I did there was make fun of a lady’s hair by showing how she must have styled it by ramming her head up against the wall while getting railed by the dude that artificially inseminates her cows and I was giving a proper demonstration to my friend and impaled my scalp on a staple sticking out of the wall. OK, GOD, I GET IT. The reason we got kicked out is because this guy with us got too drunk and picked a Why-Fight with the bartender when she cut him off. So we went to another place that happened to be doing karaoke. He proceeded to get on the stage with every single person and try to sing in the mic with them. The look on my best friend’s face was like Becca Thatcher when Corky decided to rap “Fight da Powa” in front of everybody and God. Then he threw up on himself and all over the floor and got kicked out of that bar, too. Good times.

Saturday we celebrated S&BJ Day. This is how we get the dog to leave us alone.

He will go at this for HOURS and ingest gallons of water which he promptly throws up on the rug. I am going to have to start feeding him some Diurex so he doesn’t get self conscious about his bloated whale-gut.

I meant to document the entire evening but only got as far as this picture:

(Not pictured: steak and BJ and gummi worms)

Since he is a math guy (HAHAHA @ Ryan), he probably made an equation that had something do with his performance on Valentine’s Day being directly proportionate to my performance on S&BJ Day. Since he did a great job last month job, I figured the least I could do was buy him a filthy magazine (they were all out of Trailer Babes) and some cigarettes. I then burned the steaks (you have to shut the door on the BBQ pit! I did not know this!), but large amounts of A1 made for a crunchy and delicious meal and it is also my third favorite condiment. We played wrestling and I started out kicking his ass. I am pretty much a badass when it comes to wrestling. Or anything that entails mashing a bunch of buttons randomly and repeatedly until I win. And also Miss Pac Man. The End.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Oh. My. Gawd! I could watch Corky rap Fight da Powa all day long. And I just might.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

Congrats on being kicked out of a bar, twice. Careful, it's habit forming.

Happy St. Paddy's!

6:34 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I hope you didn't have to clean up your friend. ugh. barf...yuck.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Just Jamie said...

I get so excited when I see you've posted, I have been missing you.

The thing I love about you & Ryan is that you're so sweet with each other & so real at the same time. I hope he enjoyed his s&bj day as much as you enjoyed your vday!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

pants - i am going to learn his dance routine and wow my friends at the next happy hour. i bet i'd get lots of ass!

neal - happy st. paddy's to you! i thought it might make me feel cool, but turns out it's humiliating. awesome.

celeste - no, thank god. he is my best friend's boyfriend's best friend and still tried to hit on someone! she was all, "um. ewe. no. you just puked all over yourself." kid's got class.

just jamie - oh, that is because i don't write about the several times a day when i think about taking a cheese grater to his ballsack. :D kidding.

8:41 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Is there a "Ravioli and Rim Job Day"?

Corky is da bomb! Did that just sound retarded?

4:00 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

Damn that Disco Berry.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

DAMMIT! I missed it again this year.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

the grunt - ummmmm, i think i am going to be absent that day.

anthony - ohhhh, you have succumbed to the spell of the mystery berry starburst too, eh? thought consuming shit right there.

johnny - dude, you should totally put it in your outlook. or get it tattooed on your neck. in cursive.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

You left out the best part! God I so wish I could find a woman who's cool with the whole stupidity of steak and BJ day. Do you have any friends looking to have someone spend obscene amounts of money on them to mask a total lack of redeeming character?

8:35 PM  

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