Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Don't you wish your girlfriend had tact like me?

A conversation I had with a girl I met for the first time last weekend:

Crystal: You look gorgeous pregnant!!

Girl: Yeah, I am not pregnant.

Crystal: You're lying!

Girl: Um, nope. Not pregnant, but thanks for the compliment.

Crystal: I am an asshole....well, I like your pot.

I should do like the lady on Twilight Zone (or some other weird show) whose food started talking to her and when she tried to eat a banana it started screaming and she dropped it and the fruit basket got mad and the apple started yelling "SHE KILLED HARRY!" so she sewed her mouth shut with embroidery thread. Like that.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...


2:30 PM  
Blogger jay are said...

I'm still laughing at your last paragraph but trying not to cuz I know this is bad! Ouch is right! Ooh ooh, ouch. Just when we're sure we're NEVER going to step in it like that again (like the time before because there's always at least one time we have), we do anyway. Dang. Well, hopefully you won't see her again?? Easy with the thread.

4:37 PM  
Blogger j-me said...

But you know what? you will NEVER forget that conversation, and from now on, even when you see an OBVIOUSLY pregnant woman, you will keep your pie hole shut...

that's what happened to me too.

5:04 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Do you ever mutter strange phrases like "fuck my acorns" to yourself? Because I do, and it concerns me. I must have said that phrase like 50 times today.

Anyway, I've had what happened to you happen to me. This lady was skinny all over but had this big basketball tummy. That was the last time I asked someone how far along they were without having proof before hand.

11:47 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

You win the tact award this week. Your prize is a foot to be firmly planted in your mouth.


6:22 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

pants - yeah. i pretty much suck like that. i got paybacks yesterday when i told the story to my co-worker and she said - referring to herself and me - "yeah, girls like us who carry all of our weight in our stomach will probably get told that at some point in our lives". thanks for making me feel better, lady.

jay are - it sounds funny, but if you saw that show you would never eat a banana again. or way later. with earplugs in. almost as scary as disney's watcher in the woods with Narek. i probably won't see her for awhile, but i'm sure she'll remember me next time i do.

j-me - i feel so much better that it has happened to someone else! i won't even remark on your pregnancy anymore. and i know all about you and what is growing inside of you. i will just say, "jamie, you look beautiful" instead of adding pregnant on the end.

grunt - this girl was the same way! tiny all over and big belly! so really it isn't my fault right? i may adopt "fuck my acorns if'n you don't mind" it will be a good substitute for "holyshitballs!" which is getting old.

kels - it seems like my foot has made a home in my mouth. it likes it there. all warm and comforting. there will be a day where someone punches me in the mouth and then my foot will have to find a new home. sad business. sad sad business.

8:41 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

But the best part is when you're just an observer, watching someone ELSE chew-toe. I still love that girl who came up to me at Ra to tell me how ugly the people I was with were, not realizing that we're friends.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

why you gotta be a asshole

8:52 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

Hey, alls I'm sayin is that I like to watch.

And for the record, at Ra, it was the other chick being an idiot.

Yes, I'm kind of a dick. :)

9:08 AM  
Anonymous Porty said...

I've worked at my current job for about 2 and half years and there's this girl/woman who has had two kids in that time. Well, she came back from maternity about 6 or 7 months ago and I saw her the other day and I swear she's pregnant again. It's unbelievable. I wish you were here so you could ask her for me. If she is, it's just wrong.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Rule of thumb for judging whether someone is knocked up: never safe to ask unless you see the baby coming out of her privates.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I usually try to say the opposite of what I'm thinking when in such a situation. So, I'd say: "Hey, have you lost weight?"

Although, I guess that would be obvious when meeting someone for the first time.

"Have you lost weight?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Uhm, 'cause you look like you used to be fat..."

11:51 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

th, i know who you are talking about.

porty - that is a great idea! people can pay me to stick their feet in my mouth. like i could ask the hard hitting questions that normal people are to polite to ask (i.e. so, tell me, are you a male or a female? or wow! for a chic, you can sure grow a kickass handlebar mustache!) i think you are on to something here.

pants - even then. what if that is a malformed twin? hmm? and it starts talking to you. then you would feel embarrassed still. on the other hand, if i saw a baby hanging out of a person i would probably just point and scream HOLYSHITBALLS!THERE IS A FUCKING BABY HANGING OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!!! repeatedly until someone pulled it out.

chris - i think that is a very good plan. next time i see the girl, i am going to make a very hilarious joke about how great she looks now that the baby was delivered and ask several questions about losing the babyweight. then we will laugh and be best friends. you = genius.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous slug said...

I was in Baybrook Mall when my kids were in a stroller (10 years ago). I was at the book store when a woman near me said "Look at that. She's got one in the stroller, one on her hip, and pregnant with another." I said, "Really?. HEY HONEY? THIS LADY SAID YOUR PREGNANT. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" I've never seen a person leave a store so quick. Our son was only a few months old so my wife still had much of the baby weight.

6:39 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

i've done that. made the mistake that is. i had a shiner (black eye) for 2 weeks.


8:45 AM  
Blogger Barry said...

NOw THAT is funny! - I don't care who you are

4:13 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

slug - and i bet that person never said anything remotely close to that to another woman no matter if the lady was in labor and crowning, she'd be like, "wow, that top really accentuates your eyes". i think it is equally mortifying for both parties. i can atest to that seeing as how i did it to a non-pregnant girl and how i also now am the owner of a huge gelatinous blubbergut.

bronx - yeah, i don't doubt it. i wanted to punch my ownself in the face, but instead i drank a bunch of cheap beer and told her i dug her boots. thank God she was cool.

barry - um...wasn't funny to me. at the time. then it became funny. until it came back to me. and now it isn't funny anymore. but i am glad somebody thinks it's funny. :)

11:38 AM  
Blogger jay are said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:21 PM  
Blogger jay are said...

my previous link didn't work, so I have to do it the long way. Anyway, what I was saying is that when I saw this clip, it made me think of your post. At least you weren't THIS guy!! :)

11:24 PM  
Blogger Rrramone said...

In the future, do what I do. As soon as they respond to your foot-in-mouth comment, say: "Habla Espanol??" and walk away...

5:48 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

jay are - my freaking work blocked freaking youtube because they are a-holes so i am going to watch it when i get home!

rrramone - i can say "my dick is a firehose" in german. will that work?

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

jay are! haaaa! that is awesome!!!

7:04 PM  

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