Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Hello! Is It Me You're Looking For??

This post is inspired by Pants’ comment on my last post:

I love that you announced your favorite Doing-IT song. I've been thinking about posting a list of those...

Typically, I would think that’s an excellent idea for a meme, only I contain fierce hatred deep within my soul for all things meme. So, Pants, I am starting it and you are tagged and the last time I felt like this big of a dork was when I started my period at band camp and improvised in the supply department and then thirty minutes later saw the drum major kicking my wad of toilet paper around the marching field. There is nothing dorkier than playing a woodwind in front of 60 peers with a feather on your head and a stain on your pants. But I digress. Back to this here thing I’m bout to bust out. I am not actually going to do the meme because I suck like that, but I am going to make the rules. I think that Doing-It Songs must be broken down into at least three categories.


Category I: Dry Humping Songs (Songs 6-15 on your set list)
Please keep in mind that the set list numbers are variable and are based on my own personal taste. The first 5 songs are dedicated to making dinner or trying to figure out if the dude likes you enough to chafe his entire groin area on the inside of his Bugle Boys.

Category II: Getting to Know Each Other Sexytime Songs (Songs 15-23)
This is for when you finally start doing it, but aren’t comfortable enough with each other to really let your hair down and let them know about your slapping/choking/doodoofeces fetish. These songs should be sweet enough to put you in the mood, but not serious enough to fag the person out. I can’t tell you how many times Lionel Richie’s bad timing has been responsible for me kicking a guy out of my house.

Category III: Balls to the Wall Boning Songs (Songs 23-35, or depending on the guy 23-23.5)
These are after you’ve known each other for a good 6 months (or if you’re me, 3rd date) and are comfortable enough with each other to make hardly legal requests and call each other disrespectful names. This Category is obviously going to be the greatest in contrast from Category I. If you happen to hear these songs while frantically trying to burn a hole in someone’s leg, it may be a little overwhelming and make you feel like a “bitch” or a “ho”. Just a warning. Personally, I will suggest some gangster rap or some Motley Crue.

Other people I am going to tag besides Pants are people who have tagged me so they obviously do not mind. EA, Anthony, Matt & Bryan.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I don't normally get excited about memes but this is AWESOME. Especially with your description of the categories. I can't wait to hear your favorite song to pee on a guy to.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Also can't wait to burn the fragile minds of people who read my blog when they find out I like to get pounded to "The Spirit of God Like a Fire is Burning". OK, so I don't really, but it's disturbing and hilarious.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Wait. What the hell am I supposed to do again? Are those numbers the number of songs I have to name in that category? Where's 1 - 5 then? Keep in mind I'm male and need it spelled out for me.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

pants - hahaha. you kill me! i know the sign language to "Our God Is An Awesome God" if you ever want to invite me on a date and I will sign while you guys are Doing It! wow. your dude would feel so special.

EA - well, you can say as many or as few songs as necessary for each category. don't worry about the first 5 i mentioned that were designated to dinner making. since you are a bachelor, i don't think they make a song long enough to microwave macaroni and cheese to so you can skip those. just kidding. do whatever you want. rules are made to be broken.

2:20 PM  
Blogger jay are said...

I'm not gonna touch this with a ten-foot pole cuz I'm a good girl and I keep such things close to my chest (as it were) :) but boy howdy, I can't wait to read the comments.

9:30 PM  
Blogger AmyO said...

Forget the meme, tell me more about band camp for God's sake. That made me cry.

6:27 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

jay are - do not lie. i have you figured out. you are either beethoven or NWA. being mysterious is always sexy though, i suppose.

amy - i spent several years trying to forget that and then i decided i may as well embrace it so i can always relate it to embarrassing situations. like when i accidentally farted so loud in my sleep that i woke the people in the next room up as well as my new boyfriend laying next to me, i was all well, at least i'm not giving my freshmen class a lesson in womanhood. actually, that was a bad example.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

This is going to be hilarious! I can't wait!

9:42 AM  
Blogger Nessa said...

I lose my hearing when I have sex.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

kels - you should start it!

nessa - i think you are doing it in the wrong place. it isn't supposed to go in the ear.

11:48 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Coming up with songs for my tagged post has made me realize just how much game I have. Shitloads.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I've got to think about all the songs involved. All songs become about hardcore boning, eventually, I don't care if it's the Carpenter's "Close to you", the beat simply becomes frenzied.

Yeah, I'm up for the challenge. Give me a sec on it, tho'.

3:40 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...


1:46 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

After much sweat and tears...my Doing-It list is up!

10:20 PM  

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