Thursday, April 24, 2008

Note to Boyfriends...

Girls like to perform little tests. It's what we do. It's all very exciting and you have no idea when they are going to occur either. It's like when you stay up late not reading your assigned reading and then get to class and you didn't even have time to pop your collar or spike your hair and the girl you like decides to sit next to you and you're freaking out because you forgot your Bod cologne and then all of the sudden the teacher smiles really big as says "Pop Quiz!" and she looks at you like she totally planned on fucking up your that...only when girlfriends do it, they don't tell you there is going to be a pop quiz; they just start asking questions and grade your response with a big fucking red sharpie that is forever engrained in their brains for quick ammo if ever needed in an argument.

So when a girl asks you a question, like, I don't know, I am being totally random here, totally pulling something out of thin air, like:

Does it bother you that I have a big beer gut?

You had better put your thinking cap on and say something OTHER than:

Not at all. I love your big beer gut.


Anonymous Porty said...

Wait a minute. Hold on. I am absolutely blowing fuses here. So that's NOT the right answer??? You better write a follow up post on what the "right" answer here is, cuz I have no clue. Of course, the likelihood of me ever becoming a boyfriend again is directly related to the fact that I have no idea how to answer that question. I'm f**ked.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

oops. sorry. the best way to answer that question is to put on an ugly sweater and say in your best bill cosby voice "you can't be a kid without it!" then poke her in the guts and pretend you're eating a bowl full of jello out of the top of her jeans.

1:18 PM  
Blogger NiolK said...

I would never say that.

I answer all questions with "the kind of robot that wants to live in your underpants".

3:18 PM  
Anonymous Porty said...

Oh. See, I thought that was the response for when the woman is pregnant. And then I rub my genitals on her belly for good luck. Or something like that.

3:58 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

The correct response is to lift up her shirt and blow her a big raspberry on her big beer gut. Then you say something stupid, like, "Mmmm, puddin' good!"

4:29 PM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

I thot the right answer was "what other woman?"
As to the little pop quizzes, I agree and it the most effing irritating thing in the world, and I think it ranks right up there with any of the most irritating things that men do (farting then fluffing, peeing on the toilet seat, etc)... :-)

5:57 PM  
Blogger AmyO said...

Don't worry unless he suddenly gives you a treadmill or gym membership or suggests, "Lets start running together."

7:36 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

i can totally see him saying that & thinking he's clever!!

i didn't notice a beer gut last time i saw you. you're still tiny:)

8:04 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

Duly noted. I have crossed it off of my list.

8:32 PM  
Blogger Barry said...

I thought the answer was - what bothers me is this kind of question :)

3:06 AM  
Blogger Rrramone said...

The proper response is "Gosh I sure love your boobs".

To everything.

5:49 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

I have my own theory about the right answer:

Not at all. It matches your big beer butt. (See what I did there? I made a rhyme. Girls love rhymes and are easily distracted.)

7:27 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

i prefer to throw their focus...

try this next time, great at parties and to avoid having large metallic object chucked at my forehead

i ask them: "do you smell updawg?"

they naturally say: "huh? whats' updawg?"

you retort: "not much, whatsupwitchoo!?"

you both fall into a hysterical pile of laughter, limbs and mutually shared beer guts.

all good.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

"Beer gut? No, there's no beer gut." Is the ONLY acceptable response.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

niolk - you kill me. i saw this comment in the car and almost drove off the road.

porty - you and niolk are on a roll. i think that is an excellent idea. i think, though, that you need to narrate and continuously refer to your junk as "genitals". nothing gets women hotter.

grunt - you may start an earthquake that way - if not from her belly, it would be from her throwing you through the garage door.

bryan - and i bet you pull a lot o' poon too. and i agree with you that it is one of the most irritating things in the world. which is why i also delight in it. one of the perks of having a vagina.

amyo - funny that you should say that. i got a membership to the YMCA for valentine's day this year. (i did ask for it though). he has been asking me to participate in a lot of physical activity aside from the whole washing dishes bit. hmmmm. how many calories do you think i'd burn kicking his ass?

jamie - the road to hell is paved with good intentions, no? thanks for saying i am tiny. i held it in all night.

anthony - i have a feeling you wouldn't say that anyway. you would probably whisper something in a different language and she would forget about her gut and wash your dishes.

barry - not a good answer. because that is just like saying "YES! it is HUGE and i can't see the damn tv if you're in the room!" the only correct answer is, well, see kels comment.

rrrramone - yay for boobs! they are your saviour! another good response is "i wanna bite it" and then growl. chances are you will be biting belly AND boobs within the minute.

tinyhands - poets are hot. what are you doing later?

bronx - funny! unless her belly shakes when she laughs like a bowl full of jelly. then you're up shit creek again. note: do not gawk at jiggling belly.

kels - exactly! you should be my boyfriend. why is it so hard for dudes to get?

1:25 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

I usually answer questions like that by having an actual brain aneurysm. That way, I either get a free trip to the ER where they will give me cold ice cream because it's good for brain troubles, or I won't feel the ass-kickin' that I'm about to receive.

4:28 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Well, Crystal, even if a girl threw me through a garage door I'd be writing in my diary that night, "Dear Diary, I finally got some much needed action."

In reality, I think the best answer would be to look her in the eye, saying, "You are beautiful", and see if that helps her feel secure about the way she feels/looks. If she doesn't respond positively to that statement of fact, then you know that you need to tread lightly and ask how she is feeling. See, I'm not as stupid as I like to joke I am, but it sure is fun saying stupid stuff when I can.

The fact is if you praise two children in comparison, one for being smart, and the other for being pretty, the first will think that they're ugly and the second will think that they're dumb. With complimenting a woman, everything you say is a comparison to all other women, so a guy really has to be careful. Not many of us get it right.

11:47 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

When are men going to figure out it's all a test. One big giant test they will never ever pass?

8:28 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Something other than that? Ok, how about these:

-Not at all! I'm always looking for more shelfspace!

-No way; when we make love the wavy motion reminds me of the ocean.

-Beer? I thought that was the gut Krispy Kreme built.

-Phew! No, I thought you were pregnant all this time!

-Naw, you know what they say: if you want to look thinner, hang out with people bigger than you.

-It depends, do you have Jimmy Hoffa hidden in there?

-Of course not honey, the folds give me a place to warm my hands when the furnace goes out.

-No, but if the house catches fire, the whole neighborhood is going to smell like bacon.

And finally,

-No, not as long as you continue to swallow.

11:02 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

neal - i am really sorry about the black man's testicle comment. i tried to go back and erase it, but coulnd't find the little trash can. that was definitely the most immature and disturbing thing i've ever written. i should be eating ice cream.

the grunt - i agree with you 100% why are you not married? you need to get married. quit yer sinnin lifestyle and get you a wife so that you can treat her like the queen i know you will treat her like. yeah. like that.

christie - you are completely right. everything is a test that determines how much they care/don't care which in turn determines how much we care/don't care that they care/don't care which in turn determines the quality of their life for the duration of the relationship. no pressure, guys.

e.a. the bacon one made me laugh out loud. i think mine would smell less like bacon and more like beef jerky. then i wouldn't even care. p.s. none of them will get you laid.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Oh, I'm totally aware that none of those are the way into a girl's thonged Hanes. I have my own sure-fire way to accomplish that: look them directly in the eye, curve the lips into a mischeivious grin, then say "Hi. I'm rich."

Works every time.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

thanks for visiting, I don't know where you came from, I don't know how you found me but....


You are freakin hilarious and I think I am in love with you!!! and your beer gut!

5:31 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

It's not a beer gut it's a pot. Remember how Fabienne wants a pot (belly) in "Pulp Fiction"? And Bruce Willis has to risk getting killed because of her. You're a hell of a lot better looking that Fabienne and you don't have that annoying accent. I would much rather kill John Travolta and run away to Tennessee with you.

(Would I have passed)

2:04 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

e.a. rich enough to buy me a tummy tuck?

beth - aw, my beer gut is very thankful.

chris - yes, you would have but just because you're chris cope. and also because i would much rather have a "pot" even though that chick was very annoying, she had a very good point. and just for bringing it up, i would totally ride away with you on your motorcycle. who's zed?

2:39 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

another way to answer is to say "what is a beer gut?" but then I would not believe that either.

7:31 PM  

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