great success

We spent Memorial Day on a lake with Ryan’s family. Normally, I would be nervous spending an entire weekend with the boyfriend’s family except this year, I did damage control by creating a few simple rules which, if I followed, would prevent me from making a total ass of myself.

1. Don’t get drunk. These folks may not think a synchronized swim routine with splash sound effects and humming in the middle of the living room is as charming as, well, nobody. Nobody thinks that’s charming. Except for me. After 7 beers.

The problem with this rule is that the only thing on the boat to drink was beer. Well, they had Diet Dr. Pepper and juice and water and Gatorade, but they also had beer.

2. Do not take off swimsuit cover-ups. Keep t-shirt and shorts on throughout the entire weekend.

The problem with this rule is that once I have had a lot of beers, all of my modesty tends to leak out of my body and I throw off my clothing which is never a good thing (I earned the nickname “Loose Underwear” at one point in college). So I wound up on a wakeboard with nothing to hinder my thighs from performing the percussion section to the National Anthem, complete with cymbal crashes. Next year I am getting a one-piece with a skirt. And I am going to wear control top pantyhose underneath.

This is about 10 minutes into the boatride on Friday afternoon:

I cropped the picture so as not to damage you as I damaged several innocent Memorial Day vacationers. You're welcome.

3. Don’t say bad words.

I didn’t do so bad on this one. If you consider not “so bad” saying things like “she got a 6 inch clitoris, you know, like a girl dick” over dinner. Also, I taught Ryan’s 3 year old nephew a new word and that would be the ever-classy “Boobies!” I was pretty much giving an extensive speech about random things and the kid picks out the word Boobies! and it, of course, becomes his favorite word of the weekend. And his mom was all, “Where did he learn that?!” and I shrugged and said that public pre-schools were full of hoodlums these days and maybe she should pony up a little and look into expensive private schools.


4. Be nice to children and animals.

This was the only rule I really followed! I did try to give a dog a potato, but he wouldn’t come to me or take my potato and he just ran whenever I threw the potato at him. That was his fault. I also taught the kid to carry my alcoholic beverages for me down the hill. They make my hands too cold.

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Ryan wakeboards in a different way than I do. I like to get pulled up and then immediately do a faceplant and grab the rope so hard that I am unable to do so much as open a car door for the next three days. Good times.


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Quit reading now if you don't want to learn about my unruly peehole.

I am very prone to urinary tract infections, which if you haven't had one feels like a careless nurse is slowly inserting a hot needle into your squirter. And I am not even exaggerating. After spending the weekend at the lake where who knows what kind of bacteria decided to squat and build a campfire in my peehole, I noticed the familiar burning. Usually, I have to go to the doctor and get on antibiotics, but Steph sent an email out the other day and said to take some Alka-Seltzer and it would go away. And I was like, oh yeah right, and douching with Coke will keep me from getting the herps. But you know what?! It worked!! So far anyway. I felt like I needed to share with all you ladies out there who are all in the same boat as me. Drank some Alka-Seltzer! It tastes horrible, but I now can pee without sounding like that girl on True Life: I Have Tourettes. "You're being careless, Gramma!"