Wednesday, May 28, 2008

great success

We spent Memorial Day on a lake with Ryan’s family. Normally, I would be nervous spending an entire weekend with the boyfriend’s family except this year, I did damage control by creating a few simple rules which, if I followed, would prevent me from making a total ass of myself.

1. Don’t get drunk. These folks may not think a synchronized swim routine with splash sound effects and humming in the middle of the living room is as charming as, well, nobody. Nobody thinks that’s charming. Except for me. After 7 beers.

The problem with this rule is that the only thing on the boat to drink was beer. Well, they had Diet Dr. Pepper and juice and water and Gatorade, but they also had beer.

2. Do not take off swimsuit cover-ups. Keep t-shirt and shorts on throughout the entire weekend.

The problem with this rule is that once I have had a lot of beers, all of my modesty tends to leak out of my body and I throw off my clothing which is never a good thing (I earned the nickname “Loose Underwear” at one point in college). So I wound up on a wakeboard with nothing to hinder my thighs from performing the percussion section to the National Anthem, complete with cymbal crashes. Next year I am getting a one-piece with a skirt. And I am going to wear control top pantyhose underneath.

This is about 10 minutes into the boatride on Friday afternoon:

I cropped the picture so as not to damage you as I damaged several innocent Memorial Day vacationers. You're welcome.

3. Don’t say bad words.

I didn’t do so bad on this one. If you consider not “so bad” saying things like “she got a 6 inch clitoris, you know, like a girl dick” over dinner. Also, I taught Ryan’s 3 year old nephew a new word and that would be the ever-classy “Boobies!” I was pretty much giving an extensive speech about random things and the kid picks out the word Boobies! and it, of course, becomes his favorite word of the weekend. And his mom was all, “Where did he learn that?!” and I shrugged and said that public pre-schools were full of hoodlums these days and maybe she should pony up a little and look into expensive private schools.

4. Be nice to children and animals.

This was the only rule I really followed! I did try to give a dog a potato, but he wouldn’t come to me or take my potato and he just ran whenever I threw the potato at him. That was his fault. I also taught the kid to carry my alcoholic beverages for me down the hill. They make my hands too cold.


Ryan wakeboards in a different way than I do. I like to get pulled up and then immediately do a faceplant and grab the rope so hard that I am unable to do so much as open a car door for the next three days. Good times.


Quit reading now if you don't want to learn about my unruly peehole.

I am very prone to urinary tract infections, which if you haven't had one feels like a careless nurse is slowly inserting a hot needle into your squirter. And I am not even exaggerating. After spending the weekend at the lake where who knows what kind of bacteria decided to squat and build a campfire in my peehole, I noticed the familiar burning. Usually, I have to go to the doctor and get on antibiotics, but Steph sent an email out the other day and said to take some Alka-Seltzer and it would go away. And I was like, oh yeah right, and douching with Coke will keep me from getting the herps. But you know what?! It worked!! So far anyway. I felt like I needed to share with all you ladies out there who are all in the same boat as me. Drank some Alka-Seltzer! It tastes horrible, but I now can pee without sounding like that girl on True Life: I Have Tourettes. "You're being careless, Gramma!"


Blogger The Grunt said...

Sharing medical advice, no matter how embarrassing, is beneficial to all. I bet you never considered yourself so altruistic.

11:06 AM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

ooh, thanks for the advice!

great pics. looks like a blast. i love spending time on the lake!

12:12 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

oh god girl...I gotta go to a lake with you! You crack me up!!!! and what's wrong with diet dr. pepper? tastes just like the real stuff!

as for your unruly peehole, I too have one, and used to get UTI's all. the. freakin. time. I would pop those AZO pills like they were skittles or something, but they worked...but your pee does turn a very bright orange color and stain any clothing you may be wearing if you don't wipe good enough...not that every happened to me, but you know....

alks seltzer huh? and you drink it, not squirt it up the cooter or anything?...I may have to try that...

12:17 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

grunt - oh, i am not embarrassed. i don't get embarrassed until we start talking about poo.

celeste - hey, us girls gotta stick up for each other when it comes to the health of our power boxes.

beth - i have tried AZO, but found that uristat works better for me. i have ruined many panties and probably a few toilets with the pumpkin juice that comes out of those pills!! but they feel so gooooood. you drink the alka-seltzer, but i totally would have sprayed it in my kooch if it woulda told me to. worth it!

12:31 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

I was having a good time reading this post until I ignored your warning about your peehole. After that point, I had a fantastic time.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I am glad that you have found a practical use for children -- booze carriers.

Random fact: UTIs can be initiated by increased sexual activity. It is for this reason that military wives are given pamphlets telling them to drink lots of cranberry juice when their husbands return home. No, really.

12:55 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

you rule, you crack me up, you are obviously a hoot in social situations, and well.. whas' not to lurve?

my nephew of 4 years learned "vah-jah-jah" the other weekend, and well.. he says it that way too. it's hilarious and boy does it turn heads. nothing like a mischevious lil' hobbit running around yelling out names for wimmin's delicates at a birthday party.

life is good.


7:23 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

I see that Ryan is a southpaw.

And I can confirm Chris' comment on cranberry juice. Drink more Cape Cods instead of beer.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

neal - peeholes are sure fun, aren't they?

chris - i believe it! unfortunately, i wasn't having a whole bunch of sex this time to make it even worth it. boooo. maybe i will do it a lot this week just to spite my peehole.

bronx - hahahaha. i used to know this kid who was about crotch height at the time and he would always run at me full force and say "i am going to tickle your vagina!!!!" and laugh and try to do just that. not so cute then. i spent a whole summer shielding mySelf.

tinyhands - does that mean left handed? that is some crazy sports term isn't it? he isn't, but he does a lot of things that way just because he likes to challenge himself.

chris and tinyhands - are you guys bragging about giving girls UTI's?? look at you two!

8:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

poor granny...she really got it from that girl. i love it :)


11:39 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Wait a minute... Coke prevents herpes? Finally some relief!

8:19 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home