Monday, May 05, 2008

Miyagi have hope for you

My friend called me the other day. In the past year, he has excelled in Jujitsu, which, I’m sure is exactly like karate. Or ultimate fighting. So he told me to check out his videos on youtube. To my complete dismay, both he and his opponent were fully clothed and did a bunch of moves that consisted of various hugging formations: Hug Standing Up. Walk in Circle While Hugging. Lay on Ground and Hug. Hug with Feet. Hug From Back. At one point, somebody’s gi fell open and I got to take a look-see at some chest hair (!!!). Very exciting business. However, I was left confused and uncomfortable. Where was the blood? Where were the bikini briefs? So I quickly turned it off and did a search for old faithful – gay men masturbating while smoking cigarettes and wearing leather.

In college, I dated a guy who taught Ninjutsu and insisted on wearing his Tabi boots (had to look it up) OUT IN PUBLIC to sneak up on people because that is the only thing Ninjutsu is good for. That, and swinging a staff around like a high school color guard member because you know, every time you get into a fight at the bar, there is a freaking bo staff available. And by dated, I mean I walked into his room to find him half naked (thank God it was his top half) on the bed with candles lit so they would cast soft light on his collection of sand dragons and an Enigma tape blaring and he looked at me with one eyebrow raised and patted the bed and asked me if I liked his bare chest. Unfortunately, and I am disappointed in myself for this, but I kissed him out of pity. I am not only upset with myself for subjecting myself to that, but I owe an apology to all the other girls he used these moves on because now he thinks it actually works. In my defense, our torrid affair that involved no sex at all (but extreme amounts of embarrassment on my part) lasted about 2 days. During those two days, he asked me to take some pictures of him for his business card. I obliged (for free) and followed him to a hilltop where he flung his staff about and did little hops and somersaults. My camera, undoubtedly frightened to death, turned out none of the pictures. I told him this and he followed me around for six week sneaking up on me asking for the pictures like the “WHERE’S MY 2 DOLLARS?” kid in Better Off Dead.


Blogger Eric said...

You just have to blog more, because it makes me laugh so hard......

Thank you.

12:17 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Too funny. I once took an Idaho farm girl named Noreen to a hypnotist show and it ended up scaring the shit out of her. She claimed that it was satanic and that she wanted to leave because she didn't feel the presence of the Holy Ghost there. After that, I asked her if she felt the spirit when she went to the bathroom and from there the date was pretty much over.

4:23 PM  
Blogger jay are said...

ya gotta write a book, that's all there is to it...I can always count on being entertained when I come to visit...

8:17 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I love the way you wrapped it up, with the two dollars kid from Better Off Dead.

You definitely need to get more time off and just write, write, write, so we can laugh (not at you, with you).

11:13 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

Little known fact: The "2 Dollars!" kid from that movie was just re-elected to his 2nd term as the Mayor of Shreveport, LA.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

ha ha ha ha !!! You crack me up. I can't believe you admitted to that. Fabulous.

12:23 PM  
Blogger AmyO said...

I was actually embarrased for you reading that. Too funny! More, more, all I can say.

6:40 AM  

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