i heard everybody's voice cut out when you spoke, and i watched all the lights go dim when your eyes opened

I cannot wait for this week to be over! Saturday I am hanging out with my college friends and Sunday I am hanging out with one of my good friends from high school who was my first kiss in the backseat of a cutlass and I am pretty sure my mouth is still sore from that but that’s ok because I got a free movie out of it and I love free shit and so I am going to hang out with him and the three people him and his beautiful wife made. Then Monday, Ryan and I are hooking up with Gena and Brian and we are going to see the Alkaline Trio and I am going to dance and sing (which will probably traumatize Ryan into breaking up with me) and elbow people’s faces on accident. I haven’t been this excited since I learned I can pee without taking my tampon out. Are you fucking kidding me? That is awesome.

It has been an incredibly rough week. I have had some serious family issues and work issues and I came home last night to find that Bogey’s asshole had exploded all over the walls and the carpet and the crate and then he topped off his poopsundae with vomit consisting of 4 days worth of undigested food, half a sock and a dryer sheet and then he says to himself in a proud British accent, he says, “hmmm…I’ve developed quite the recipe and it does look quite comfortable! Perhaps I shall lay down in it and roll around a bit. Shall we? Yes, let’s! Oh, goody!” and then I imagine he clapped his paws thrice and dove in gracefully. I have never seen a dingleberry that is 5” in diameter before. It was like he had a waffle made of doodoofeces plastered to his backside. This incident was enough to make me swear off children forever. Or at least until the next time I see a cute one. Like this little guy right here who I caught popping caps in some asses at the skating rink:

I was eating some fruit snacks at work the other day and I am fairly certain that these grapes once belonged to some person who is probably very incredibly sad right now. Sorry I ate your cock, very tiny black man.





I bet this guy had a really pretty and cool girlfriend and one day he went to a wedding and he met this girl, and she was really hot and he wound up kissing her and so he told his girlfriend about it and she kicked him out of the house so he immediately went to this hot girl’s house and washed the shit out of her dishes and then right when he pulled his plug out of her sinkhole, he was like “Oh shit” and he went back home and she took him back but then he decided to be honest and he told her where he’d put his bottlebrush and she did this to his truck and he drove around with it like that for days because he was kinda proud in a sick way. The End.




Or perhaps he lost his testes in a terrible accident involving a monkey or a fence post or an errant lawn dart.



Which reminds me...last night I decide to seduce my boyfriend and being the mad temptress that I am, I jumped on top of him and started doing sexy things like growling and clawing at his pants and gyrating my hips. My boyfriend, who has said about 15 sentences since we started dating, immediately went into monkey facts. "Did you know that all monkeys bite?" "Common infections resulting from monkey bites include Bacteroides, Fusobacterium, streptococci, enterococci and Eikenella." "It is estimated that for every reported monkey bite, at least ten bites go unreported." So finally I stopped trying to get some and sat back, frustrated and he was all, "What? You said you wanted me to talk more."

Dolphins. Transformers 2.