Thursday, July 17, 2008

i heard everybody's voice cut out when you spoke, and i watched all the lights go dim when your eyes opened

I cannot wait for this week to be over! Saturday I am hanging out with my college friends and Sunday I am hanging out with one of my good friends from high school who was my first kiss in the backseat of a cutlass and I am pretty sure my mouth is still sore from that but that’s ok because I got a free movie out of it and I love free shit and so I am going to hang out with him and the three people him and his beautiful wife made. Then Monday, Ryan and I are hooking up with Gena and Brian and we are going to see the Alkaline Trio and I am going to dance and sing (which will probably traumatize Ryan into breaking up with me) and elbow people’s faces on accident. I haven’t been this excited since I learned I can pee without taking my tampon out. Are you fucking kidding me? That is awesome.

It has been an incredibly rough week. I have had some serious family issues and work issues and I came home last night to find that Bogey’s asshole had exploded all over the walls and the carpet and the crate and then he topped off his poopsundae with vomit consisting of 4 days worth of undigested food, half a sock and a dryer sheet and then he says to himself in a proud British accent, he says, “hmmm…I’ve developed quite the recipe and it does look quite comfortable! Perhaps I shall lay down in it and roll around a bit. Shall we? Yes, let’s! Oh, goody!” and then I imagine he clapped his paws thrice and dove in gracefully. I have never seen a dingleberry that is 5” in diameter before. It was like he had a waffle made of doodoofeces plastered to his backside. This incident was enough to make me swear off children forever. Or at least until the next time I see a cute one. Like this little guy right here who I caught popping caps in some asses at the skating rink:

I was eating some fruit snacks at work the other day and I am fairly certain that these grapes once belonged to some person who is probably very incredibly sad right now. Sorry I ate your cock, very tiny black man.

I bet this guy had a really pretty and cool girlfriend and one day he went to a wedding and he met this girl, and she was really hot and he wound up kissing her and so he told his girlfriend about it and she kicked him out of the house so he immediately went to this hot girl’s house and washed the shit out of her dishes and then right when he pulled his plug out of her sinkhole, he was like “Oh shit” and he went back home and she took him back but then he decided to be honest and he told her where he’d put his bottlebrush and she did this to his truck and he drove around with it like that for days because he was kinda proud in a sick way. The End.

Or perhaps he lost his testes in a terrible accident involving a monkey or a fence post or an errant lawn dart.

Which reminds me...last night I decide to seduce my boyfriend and being the mad temptress that I am, I jumped on top of him and started doing sexy things like growling and clawing at his pants and gyrating my hips. My boyfriend, who has said about 15 sentences since we started dating, immediately went into monkey facts. "Did you know that all monkeys bite?" "Common infections resulting from monkey bites include Bacteroides, Fusobacterium, streptococci, enterococci and Eikenella." "It is estimated that for every reported monkey bite, at least ten bites go unreported." So finally I stopped trying to get some and sat back, frustrated and he was all, "What? You said you wanted me to talk more."

Dolphins. Transformers 2.


Anonymous Pants said...

I'll take two of whatever you've had.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Already that gun kid is cooler than I ever have been or ever will be.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...


I think maybe your boyfriend is confused about monkey love.

3:48 PM  
Blogger jay are said...

brilliant. mad. chaotic. hilarious. (did I miss anything?) Hope next week is better for you and that you have a great weekend.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

Um,what? I need to hook up with your dealer.

8:38 PM  
Blogger South Pole Librarian said...

I have no idea how traumatic your childhood head injury was...I am just delighted your parents insisted on mainstreaming you because you crack the holy living shit out of me.
Hmmmm...maybe thats what up with your poor poopy dog?

9:06 PM  
Blogger Brandi said...

Please tell me that story about the boyfriend and the chick from the wedding was about you and that you really did that to his truck AND took pictures of it...?? I would put you on my list of top 5 coolest people.

11:20 PM  
Blogger Ruthie said...

Wow Crystal. Wow.

Boy do I miss you.

12:01 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

god i love a gal who makes me laugh so loud i wanna puke.

you're f**king magical.

~ just like NPH (look it up)

~ just like unicorns

~ just like those lil' sparklies you get when you sneeze and see spore-like floaters in the air that i swear-to-god are braincells exploding

either way, jes' like your dingleberry dog, i'da letchoo jump me, THEN i woulda gone ape and threw my poo at you.

seems only polite, right?


btw, you didn't vote this week, so i'm glad your british dawg shat everywhere. hope he's okay!!!!

9:18 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I hope things work out in your family regardless of what happens.

Your boyfriend's dog must be the dog version of Bluto from Animal House. Check it out "I'm a zit!"

9:58 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Those who have never been to Houston might not realize just how commonplace gun-wielding toddlers are there.

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Crystal..

I'm full time military now. The military doesn't quite like me accessing your site from their computers ;)

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Sorry.. Last comment by me


12:26 PM  
Blogger acousticblinding said...

I'm trying to decipher this post and here's what I gleaned: Monkey talk is not sexy.

When did this happen? I thought monkey talk was still considered sexy. Damnit now I have to revamp my game.

Oh and I linked to you simply because you can put monkey, puke, black penis, and pictures all in one post. That's skillzzzzzzz.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I love it. I've never seen you go apeshit autistic before.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

god i hate dogs.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Lil Sass said...

I just found my way to you this week and this, by far, is one of the funniest posts I've ever read in my life.

When I was a kid my dog ate part of a blanket but we didn't realize it til that silky edge seaming was coming out of his bunghole. Poor Ruby was struttin' around the yard with what looked like a Get in Shape Girl ribbon coming out her pooper, and looked at me like, "What? What'd I do?" Watching my dad PULL that thing out of her ass has ruined me forever.

You kick ass!

9:50 PM  
Blogger AmyO said...

Thanks for making me cry this morning (in a good way). Plus I shot snot out of my nose. I am so sexy.

8:03 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

is that what they call "hot monkey love"??

7:12 AM  

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