Tuesday, July 08, 2008

The Only Two Suckers I Can Trust

1. I am a straight female with a healthy appreciation for boobs. I was cleaning up my bloglines and ran across this blog that I rarely read. It took me a second to realize why I stored it in the first place. It's written by this chick with very little personality and her posts were chock full of mundane shit that I couldn't care less about. So we have that in common. But every week or so she would post a picture of her boobies. Her jiggojugs are not great. They are just plain ol' smallish boobs, but I would always scroll through all her bullshit posts to see new boob pictures. Thought process: blahblahblah, scroll scroll, blah squirrels, blah blah BOOBIES! blah blahblah, george cloony blahlhah BOOBIES! blahblah blah shoes blah, scroll scroll BOOBIES!

And I imagine this is what it is like to be a guy talking to a girl at a bar.

2. I went to buy a flat screen television this weekend to surprise Ryan when he got home from San Antonio. The manager at the electronics store told me I had lovely blue eyes and then proceeded to knock off about $400 off my total. When Ryan got home, I told him and he immediately pointed to my boobs. "You think he gave me the discount because of my boobs?! What about my lovely blue eyes?! What about my charming fucking personality?!" and I stormed off only to return a minute later and then I was all, "Ok. So maybe it was my boobs." And Ryan nodded his head proudly and looked at me like I just figured out that life was not entirely about shoes and make up (it is also about video games and beer). However disappointing it may be, I have learned a valuable lesson. 1. Men are sad creatures. 2. Men are easily manipulated. 3. Tight shirts = discounts. 4. I wish I would have shown that manager my uterus. TV's are expensive, yo.

61 Comments:

Blogger The Grunt said...

Link please.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Matt - check your yahoo for the link.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Be careful. Showing off your uterus can backfire.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...

Boobies are a lethal weapon in the right hands...mouth...line of vision?

All of the above.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

tight shirts aren't the only way to go. sometimes the right bra and a deep v-neck can totally shut a man's brain off and give easy access to his wallet and credit cards. never underestimate the power of a/c. a loose button down with just the right amount of buttons undone? priceless.

holy crap. guess who's been stuck in the desert 8 months?

1:10 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

http://s40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/bronxbt/?action=view¤t=CameraLovesyou.flv

this is for you, my dear.. Catch loves the attention he'd likely get from you. i can almost hear your voice sounding like my lisa's.

he's such an attention-whore.. the camera does love his shaved butt tho.

;)

btw, question about Melliferous's comment: uterus can backfire? hee hee

3:06 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

I need you to come over here and purchase a television for me.

3:43 AM  
Blogger Julie Schuler said...

all hail, the power of the sweaterpuppies. Good work.

5:23 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

pants - you mean like if my uterus isn't as cute as i think it is?

nessa - preferably mouth. but i would settle for hands. although, sometimes just hands make me thirsty for some reason. my buubs are connected to my dehydration alarm.

sean - sean - you are quite the expert!! i imagine where you are it is so freaking hot that you get to see naked women all the time!

bronx - i can't see it! work has blocked that link!! i will look when i get home. i am pretty much in love with all of your dogs.

chris - *starting uterus pushups now*

julie - i can see why chicks get fake ones now. i saved $400 for my mediocre natural ones. think about how much money i could have saved if they were the perky fake ones!!! i suppose they are a good investment.

6:21 AM  
Blogger acousticblinding said...

Although I'm new here can a brotha get a link to said boobs? If not a brotha can a blogger since I'm not a brotha?

3:43 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

Maybe I won't get the breast reduction after all. I really need some new shit. Great Advice, I'm sure my hubby will appreciate it.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

I once got a lollipop and a van ride for showing off my junk.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HB was here

9:15 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

I got pretty nice tips at work the night I decided to undo one more button on my polo. Boobs are magic makers, I tell you!

1:56 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

I used to have an ex wear low-cut tops when we would go out to sushi because then we would get free raw fish.

6:46 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

acousticblinding - you have to show me yours first.

christie - jay would let you get a breast reduction?! i am shocked. completely shocked.

jay - christie must've gone to the bank that day. (they give out suckers at my bank)

HB - hey!!! long time!!! where ya been??

angela - why even bother with the shirt is what i always say.

neal - why does that comment make me slightly uncomfortable? boobies and raw fish are a strange combination.

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