Wednesday, September 24, 2008

maybe it's the menses?

i think i have a tumor in my brain. or maybe i am pregnant. maybe my hormones are in overdrive. maybe the lack of electricity is interferring with all that is sound and good in my life.

lately, i have been having these completely irrational thoughts that seem completely rational at the time.

example 1. "i am going to use my lunch break to go adopt or purchase a spider monkey." and i totally believe myself too. i believe in all my heart that i am going to come home with a brand new exotic animal without consulting the dood i am shacking up with. i do my research about their diet and calculate diaper usage and such and whatnot. i work so far out that there's no way i'd be able to make it to the shelter and back and the possibility of me even finding a spider monkey in the state of Texas is next to nothing. yet. i know that by 5pm, i will have one in my hands. like i am pippi longstocking or sth.

example 2. "i am going to create a huge bug collection and use it in order to acquire newshoe money." what? i don't even... ok, there was a lizard in my office the other day. hanging out on my purse and i screamed so loudly that my work husband shouted "bless you!" because he was trying to pretend it was a sneeze because he didn't want to have to come over and help with whatever "crisis" i might be having at the time. 5 minutes later, both my boss and my work husband were in a tangled mess on the floor trying to catch the lizard with a coffee cup so i could take it outside. yet, i want to start a bug collection?? a high yield bug collection?? and i can't even grab a lizard?

example 3. "i am going to give birth to a black child!" all i am going to say about this one is that if i told my dood i was pregnant and he went to lamas classes with me and kissed my belly every night for 9 months and went back to the store for me three times because i kept changing my mind about what ice cream flavor i wanted and when we got to the delivery room and black child popped out of my poohnanny, he would be pissed. racism, ladies and gentlemen.

i used to get ideas like this all the time in college when i smoked pot and decided i was going to market mayonaise and frosted flake sandwiches. but i am not doing any drugs. and i get ADD and forget my idea until i come across my extensive research a week later and then realize the flaws in my thinking.

it reminds me of that episode of grey's anatomy when the guy came in and he was petting a bear cub and the momma bear came out and killed his relative and the guy knew better because he's been camping all his life and he also was a millionaire and married a waitress who came from a trailer park after knowing her for only three weeks and meredith deduced that he had a tumor that created irrational thoughts in his brain and then he died.

i am hoping it's my menses.

14 Comments:

Blogger Red Flashlight said...

Oh, yeah. I totally get it! Great post - very funny. I have my own particular affliction of random, uncontrollable, monthly ideas. Mine are paranoid fantasies. For example, I'll be suddenly gripped with a defensive, angry fear that everyone in the supermarket check-out lane thinks my hat looks stupid. I'm old enough now to recognize the signs, however. Convenient early menses warning.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

red flashlight! thank goodness!
you know, i used to think anytime someone laughed, they were laughing at me because i am so ugly and stupid. like, i could be in a movie theatre watching hilarious films and if someone started laughing, i knew that they were laughing at my big face. then i have to say to myself, "crystal, you are on your menses. last week when everyone was not laughing at you, you still had the big face you have now." trying to rationalize period thoughts are absolutely pointless.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Sounds more like you've fallen off your meds to me. Whatever you do just don't try to cut your own hair. Better yet, stay away from scissors and monkeys in general.

1:58 PM  
Blogger JL said...

Um, can I take a mini vacation in your head?

8:45 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

If it's a tumour maybe you'll be able to teach yourself Portuguese, like in that John Travolta film.

11:50 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I used to think everyone was laughing at me, or looking at how dumb I look. It was rough. It's a lot rougher now because I am fucking positive they are doing it.

8:03 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

You have to get TWO spider monkeys so that they can play together while you're off at work. One spider monkey left alone will destroy your shit if he gets bored.


Or maybe I'm thinking of Yorkies.

8:54 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

i don't... even.... really know what to say.

'cept i think i love you,
and contrary to popular belief, spider monkey's are also poo-flingers, so they're best to be avoided.

b

9:22 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

I feel like I'm watching a Devo video.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous slug said...

"like this all the time in college when i smoked pot and decided i was going to market mayonaise and frosted flake sandwiches"

Me and a friend were sure we could market hamsicles. That's where you wrap a slice of ham around a fudgesicle. Mustard or mayo was optional depending on how baked you were.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

"i am hoping it's my menses."

What does a club of brainiacs have to do with your poohnanny and inability to grab a lizzard?

12:34 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I tried to become a member of MENSES, but they said I wasn't smart enough.

Seriously though, the steroids I was on during chemotherapy would send me into a quasi PMS state and I would either fly off the handle at people or get rather emotional. Fun stuff. At least I didn't bleed out of an orifice. But, I puked a lot. So, it was like menses meets morning sickness. This new found understanding still has not got me laid.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Mayonnaise and frosted flake sandwiches?!

I just threw up all over my laptop. I don't even like that shit (mayo) on sandwiches. YUCK!

11:48 AM  
Blogger CruiserMel said...

Seriously, did you actually say MENSES? lol

12:07 PM  

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