Thursday, October 30, 2008

So I Been Thankin

1. I have been thinking lately about blogging more anonymously. Like I should probably take pictures down and go back to using Sexy Love Pits instead of my real name. I have pissed many a folk off writing this thing and plus I need to start thinking about my family and friends who don't want their name associated with farting and boluses of stool and errant sperm missles and stuff like that. To start, I changed my avatar from my real picture to this one:

When I first started blogging, I couldn't come up with a fake name. I suck at that kind of stuff and everything I thought of was already taken so in an act of utter frustration and defiance, I firmly hammered out sexylovepits on the screen and, lo and behold, it was accepted. I have very deep armpits. My ex-boyfriend could put his fist all the way inside of one of them. We were like a self-contained side show. A week ago marked the 4th anniversary of this blog and I am WAY more mature than I was 4 years ago and I am kind of embarrassed that my favorite part of my body was my freakish armpits. Ok. So they are still pretty rad.

2. So I got the job. I put in my two weeks. I am thrilled. I can't wait to pack up and leave. There is only one problem. I am freaking the heck out. Ok, here's the deal. One of my friends spends a lot of time with Mary Jane and I wound up crashing on his couch a few of weeks ago. So I got up at like 5am and decided to be a good house guest and make some coffee so I bumbled around in the kitchen and wound up making some crappy tasting coffee - which, by the way is not any different - i always make crappy tasting coffee. I had about two cups before my friend woke up and after tasting his coffee said, "You didn't clean out the coffee grinder, did you? This coffee tastes like weed." WHAT?! EXCUSE ME?! Not that it's a big deal if I wasn't in the works for getting a new job. So I went to take my drug test today. I was relieved because the pot probably would have been out of my urine within a couple of weeks since I never do the stuff. I spend all this time being miss goody two shoes and then I accidentally drink the stuff. It wasn't enough to make me feel anything from it, but I am still nervous. So I went and peed. No big deal. And then they cut. my. hair. They are testing my hair. Does any body know anything about that?! I'm flipping shit yo.


Blogger Chris Cope said...

Your hair would hold pot residue longer than your pee. It's basically a way of going back further in your physical history.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

That sucks.. Make them retest you if there is a problem. Say "That is Absolutely ridiculous, There has been some kind of mistake. Please allow me to take it again."

Do some research now now how to pass the test and be ready to go straight in. Massive doses of water and some Reactive substances, are the way to go.

The hair thing sounds like a bluff, unless you are getting a job with the CIA. I bet it's a very expensive test.

Last I knew there were 2 different Pee tests one that you needed 1 month to be clean to pass and another that you needed 2.

but... there could be such minute amounts you are most probably fine.

Just be ready to go on offense.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Don't be a pussy. Or a cavernous armpit for that matter. I can see if you want to change your friends names, but there's no reason you shouldn't be you.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

chris - so basically you're saying i am screwed. Booooo! you're supposed to tell me that drugs in the hair only show up for habitual drug users so i will be just fine! remember??

eric - thank you. i hope it is a bluff! hopefully all the hair i had in college has grown out and been cut off by now. i took an at-home pee test on sunday just to be sure i didn't have any weed in my pee and it came up clean. i spose we'll find out. all i need is something else to stress about all weekend.

jay - a pussy indeed. i'll kick your ass.

1:27 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

So if they cut your hair instead of plucking it, this event should definitely NOT show up. Even if they cut down near the scalp, your hair doesn't grow that fast. Don't worry your big pits about it.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

chris - i did some research and it said it takes 4-5 days for the drug infested hair to reach your scalp and start showing. it's been 3 weeks. i hope you're right so i don't have to come groveling back to my boss.

1:30 PM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

That blogger frustration is responsible for my friend being BigTool.

4:17 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Congrats on the new job. I wouldn't imagine that your hair sample will make for a failed drug test. They are just taking it back to the lab to sniff while they masturbate.

11:56 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

it does suck, but I think the hair is more for "long term" drug you'll probably be ok. if not, beg for mercy.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

Where are you going to work, the FBI? Tell them what happened, that is way too funny to have made up.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Miss Pants said...

I'm sure you will be sounds like a very minimal amount of exposure. I mean, it's not like you ate a pot brownie and then started taking gravity bongloads.

8:41 AM  

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