Monday, December 01, 2008


1. So I got a new job. I took two weeks off inbetween the old one and the new one so I could play on the internet and talk on the phone and sleep which is pretty much all I did at my old job anyway. So I spent one week cleaning and cooking (I made a muhfkn roast! What.) and the next week I spent with my lady friends up in San Marcos pretending I was in college. Only this time I didn't spend the time pouring sweet-n-low packets in the mouths of hungry men. Was fun. I want to live there.

Anyhow, my new job gave me this:

because apparently they haven't heard that i got Worst Driver in high school because I drove my truck into a ditch and nobody could get it out. They probably also haven't heard about my lack of depth perception and the fact that I have had 8 cars in the past 12 years but whatever. I will rule the road in that. And it also comes with a gas card and an expense account. Holla! I am going to be tearing up South Texas. I may also get a sticker that says "Cowgirl Up" and one that says "Silly Boys, Trucks are for Girls" and then hang those fake plastic testicles (which I will buy in pink) from the bottom part of the truck. So cool.

2. I am a dirty girl. I am a filthy, dirty girl. I found that out at Ryan's parents' house over Thanksgiving. Have you ever had your ears candled?? Srsly. Best thing ever. What happens is that you stick this cone candle thing in your ear and then you light it on fire and it sucks all the earwax out of your head. Magical. Here is Ryan's mom candling one of his ears.

This is what came out of my ears! How awesome is that?? I am done with Q-Tips. Done. I had way more wax in my ears than Ryan. (OOOOO. INYOFACE QUEEF). I am proud. I can also hear better. Plus, I am sexier. I can feel it.

Everyone is getting earwax candles for Christmas.

3. Ryan's family celebrates Thanksgiving on Thursday and mine celebrates on Sunday so we stayed the weekend with Ryan's folks. I was charged with bringing a cake to celebrate Nov/Dec birthdays for my family on Sunday and since his mom is some sort of cake making genius, we made this cake together:

It is all edible guys!
The bow! The tag! Everything! Although. I wouldn't suggest eating the tag because I used a lot of spit on it because I was too lazy to walk over to the sink and get water. I figured it would just make the cake sweeter.

God, I am lame.
Since I am so proud, here is another picture.

4. While researching cake ideas, his mom showed me this cake:

The cock and balls is made of rice crispies and then covered in fondant(thanks John!). Ryan's mom is awesome.
Ryan's Dad: Nobody's balls are that symmetrical!
My great grandma: Aw, that's a pretty baby!


Blogger Christie said...

Jay and I candled our ears a few years ago, and...nasty! I need to do it again.

I want that cake for my birthday. And I want to bring it to the PTA meeting, that would loosen those bitches up.

3:02 PM  
Blogger Brandi said...

Wait, what in the f*ck are you talking about??? Ear? Wax? Candles? I don't know if I'm seriously grossed out or totally intrigued. Someone tell me what I have to do to get that shit outta my ear canals.

I want someone to make the penis cake for me. Christmas list perhaps?

7:18 PM  
Blogger Owen Hansen said...

"Pretty baby." That's fucking hilarious.

10:01 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

I've thought about it, and there's no possible way that I can correct you to let you know that it's called "fondant" (not fondit) without looking like a huge, peckercake-making queer, so I won't.

But we should eBay the truck, get something smaller, and drink the difference.

6:51 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

candles? wth? send me more info on it. freaks me the hell out, yet fascinates me too.. specific paper? diameter of cone? holy shit.. FIRE?

re: the rest, you're magical and i'm sure you fart "my little ponys and pixie dust" -- all part of what makes you so fascinating.

now, goto my blog and check out my two pets beating the hell outta each other.

not quite as entertaining as pink testicles hanging from your truck's backside, but i work with what i have...


B in case you lost it... ;)

9:03 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

It just might be illegal to mention ear cheese and cake in the same post. If it isn't, it ought to be.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

I have always wanted to do that....and it really works????? that is totally disgusting, and I wanna do it really bad!!!!!

5:32 PM  
Blogger the projectivist said...

oh that is so disgusting!
ewwww! ear candling?
there was no way to look away, except to frantically and manically press scroll like a lunatic.
scroll you bastard! SCROLL!!!

what happened to games like charades? huh? good, wholesome fun that.

5:50 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

That's disgusting. I need to get that crap out of my ears.

Congrats on your new job and new truck!

9:22 PM  
Blogger cheekydani said...

Hilarious... you delightful nutter you!

I just found my 'Don't Mess With Texas' sticker that I got the first time I visited about 10 years ago... no truck to stick it on though... :(

11:29 PM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

It's about time you fucking posted again! We miss you here in hell, I mean, at your old job :)

Well, I'm off to buy some ear candles. I'm now eerily aware of my ear wax. Thanks hooker.

7:58 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Christie - it is nasty! i need to put some of those in our sex box!

Brandi - I will make one for you. I am immediately going to start the research right now.

Owen - she also asked my brother why he had pubic hair growing from his chin? she's cute, but we don't take her out in public much.

hands - wow. your knowledge of both pastries and meatholes astounds me. thanks for the correction! i do need something smaller. freaking huge. nice new car, btw.

bronx - i tried looking up ear candling (you should google it) but all i got was information about how terrible it is so i didn't want to post it, but my personal experience was that it was amazing! and i can hear better! now if they only made candles for people who mumble...

Chris - i am trying to evoke grode yet good feelings. earwax = grode; cake = good. so they cancel each other out.

Beth - you totally should! but do research on it first so the wax doesn't melt on your eardrum rendering you completely hearless.

projectivist - yeah, but i am doing it for the better good of society. i wouldn'tm recommend playing with the wax though. it stains your fingers.

anthony - thanks!! i will give you a ride in it if you want but it doesn't go over 73 and if i brake too hard an alarm goes off. ok so the truck kind of sucks. but it being free offsets the suck.

cheekidanni - it's mighty reckless to mess with texas! you should put it on your car! those stickers are awesome.

sassypants - srsly. we have to do lunch when i get back. i am not even kidding. i still haven't met anyone who is into fresh air yet. i'm sorry about your baby!!!!!!

7:50 PM  
Blogger Stephanepanie said...

1. you never told me about the ear wax candles! and to think, I let you fart in front of me.

2. I told my sister about the "pretty baby" cake. she did not find it to be quite as funny as we did. Either she needs to meet great grandma Jane (pinching my nose and sucking in air) or she needs a fucking personality.

11:10 AM  
Anonymous faux pas said...

Mmmm... that IS a purdy baby. ;)

5:44 PM  

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