I am still here, yo
1. So last week I went to Midland/Odessa for work. My company gave me these fancy peen-pulling wheels so I can cruise around and pick me up some West Texas cowboys. The girl at the car rental place was like, "all we have ready is a minivan. is that ok?" and I was like, "No" and then she was like, "SIGH, alright, I will go clean one for you" and there was a line behind me and I was like, "fine" and then she gave me the keys and I was walking out to the lot and I was thinking, "Please don't let it be that one at the end. Please don't let it be spot #43". No such luck.
Once inside, I was impressed with the roominess, the side impact airbags and the 7 passenger seating and the fact that no other minivan has a higher safety rating, but I refused to like it simply because it would make me slightly less awesome to people who don't know how awesome I am for real. When I was a kid, our family had a ford aerostar which was not embarrassing at all and whenever my mom drove around corners, my dad would squeeze the armrests and go, "Goddammit, Sarah! THIS THING IS TOP HEAVY!" which was not terrifying in itself at all so I took the corners slowly. My dad would be so proud.
2. I got home from work a couple of weeks ago and leaned down to get my purse and then all of the sudden, Ryan's house ran into me. or maybe I forgot to put it in the "P" gear. So I jumped out and ran around to the front of the vehicle and there was no damage to my bumper. Whew! Dodged that bullet. Now no one will ever know! And then Ryan called me that evening when I was out and said, Did you run into the house? and I was like, What are you talking about?? And then he told me that the house looked like it was about to fall down.
3. I went to my friend, Audrey's graduation and following party. I made fun of every graduate that tripped on the stairs and then right after they called Audrey's name, I bolted and tripped on the stairs in front of everyone so that was awesome. Also, some friends and I made a whirlpool in the swimming pool by running around the sides of the pool and then I woke up inside a school bus on a wheel hump.
4. Friday night I went to another dildo party and my mom also went so that wasn't awkward. It especially wasn't awkward when the lady tied me up, blindfolded me, called me a bad girl and spanked me in front of her. Then we had to pass a giant rubber double dick from person to person without using our hands.
Monday, my dad called and asked if Ryan and I wanted to go to my nephew's baseball game. Our conversation went like this:
Once inside, I was impressed with the roominess, the side impact airbags and the 7 passenger seating and the fact that no other minivan has a higher safety rating, but I refused to like it simply because it would make me slightly less awesome to people who don't know how awesome I am for real. When I was a kid, our family had a ford aerostar which was not embarrassing at all and whenever my mom drove around corners, my dad would squeeze the armrests and go, "Goddammit, Sarah! THIS THING IS TOP HEAVY!" which was not terrifying in itself at all so I took the corners slowly. My dad would be so proud.
2. I got home from work a couple of weeks ago and leaned down to get my purse and then all of the sudden, Ryan's house ran into me. or maybe I forgot to put it in the "P" gear. So I jumped out and ran around to the front of the vehicle and there was no damage to my bumper. Whew! Dodged that bullet. Now no one will ever know! And then Ryan called me that evening when I was out and said, Did you run into the house? and I was like, What are you talking about?? And then he told me that the house looked like it was about to fall down.
3. I went to my friend, Audrey's graduation and following party. I made fun of every graduate that tripped on the stairs and then right after they called Audrey's name, I bolted and tripped on the stairs in front of everyone so that was awesome. Also, some friends and I made a whirlpool in the swimming pool by running around the sides of the pool and then I woke up inside a school bus on a wheel hump.
4. Friday night I went to another dildo party and my mom also went so that wasn't awkward. It especially wasn't awkward when the lady tied me up, blindfolded me, called me a bad girl and spanked me in front of her. Then we had to pass a giant rubber double dick from person to person without using our hands.
Monday, my dad called and asked if Ryan and I wanted to go to my nephew's baseball game. Our conversation went like this:Me: I don't think so, Dad. I am getting a urinary tract infection.
Dad: Well, maybe if you didn't play with those double headed dildos
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dad!
Dad: It's ok. I have been to those parties before...
Me: Oh God
Dad: ...as a prop
Me: Dad! Grode!!!
Dad: Don't worry. It was a small party if you know what I mean.
So in addition to a urinary tract infection, I also have severe psychological trauma.
5. And just in case you didn't know...
5. And just in case you didn't know...
posted by Crystal at 10:31 AM
4 Comments:
How do you even find the time to write these amidst your obviously awesome life? And can I live in the back of your family-sized van?
Good to hear from you.
Listen, I have been reading quietly for months now and kept silent and I hate to contradict your generally flawless logic but you have made a towering error here. Minivans. Rock. Hard. And I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Name another vehicle in which you can 1) Haul 6 kids around )2 load up a washer and dryer and 3) throw a full size mattress in the back and shag the misses like you were 18 again. Not one.
Just laughed my ass off. Totally had that car rental nightmare, approaching a shitty vehicle (think purple metallic PT Cruiser) and prayed it wasn't mine only to see the lights blink and hear the alarm chirp when I click the remote. Right, because that piece of crap needs an alarm to protect it.
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