Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fu Man Chu

I went to get a manicure/pedicure last week and while I was there, I decided to get my eyebrows waxed. When the lady was done ruthlessly tearing out my eyebrow hair, she goes, "Wan me geh yo rip?" so I smiled and nodded becuase I can't understand foreigners and just agree with everything they say. I guess I assumed she was asking me if I was sleepy or wanted her to slather baby oil all over my body. So then she gets her little popsicle stick with wax all over it and started coming at my face with it and I was like, "Whoa, there! Where ya goin with that??" and she goes, "I geh yo rip" and then it hit me. She is trying to wax my LIP. SHE THINKS I HAVE A MUSTACHE. WTF. OMG, y'all. I told her no way, dude, because I know if I let her put that wax on my lip, it will grow back thick and black and I will look like this. So I spent the rest of the weekend asking people if they thought I had a mustache and severely judging them if they gave anything close to an affirmative answer.

Crystal: Do you think I have a mustache?
Friend: No
Crystal: Seriously, look at me in the sunlight
Friend: OK, you may have a tiny little bit of peach fuzz
Crystal: Well, you're fugly and your credit score fucking sucks

Not a good time for anyone last weekend.

Also, fried cauliflower is delicious.


Blogger Courtney said...

That picture is HYSTERICAL!!!!

Can you imagine what your face would have looked like if she did do your lip? Kool-Aid mustache much?

12:38 PM  
Blogger shine said...

They. Always. Do. That.

It's like suggestive selling on the hopes that you either don't understand or are insanely self conscious.

At the place where I go they even go so far as to say (once you've rejected the idea): Really? It look really bad. It not pretty. Wan me to wax it?


2:33 PM  
Blogger shine said...

Crap, I should also mention that once ONCE I gave in. And I looked like someone had beat me about the face repeatedly.

My skin is really fair and it stays red for about five hours. I had a date. I say again, BITCHES.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

Yep. That's how I got rooked into the whole waxing the 'stache thing. Couldn't understand what she said, then when she went for it, I figured I must be one step away from Burt Reynolds or something so I just let her do it. If someone asks if you want your 'stache done, it's pretty much an insult. So I caved.

5:23 AM  
Blogger Chops McGee said...

I think all of you are looking at this all wrong, Mrs Chops has a beautiful mustache and wears it proudly. It's part of her Italian heritage. Sure, she tried to wax it for a few years but eventually she gave in and accepted the inevitable. As should you.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Jay Ferris said...

That's just a myth about it growing in thicker. So it sounds like you're doomed to have a mustache no matter what if any preventative measures you take. And just when I thought your content couldn't get any freakier!

2:13 PM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

I heard eating fried cauliflower makes your 'stache come in darker.

6:16 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Wait 'til you get to be 40 and have to pluck Scary Hairs on your chin.

I made my daughter swear to do it for me if I am ever in a coma.

3:53 AM  
Blogger Dina said...

Growing up, a friend of my older sister used to BLEACH her stash. So she had a blond one. So wrong. Looked like Joe Dirt.

5:29 AM  
Blogger Lindsey said...

Jay is correct. It will not grow in thicker. Ripping it out of the follicle is really the only way to go. Eventually that follicle is damaged enough that a new hair cant grow back.

Don't be afraid of the rip wax!

11:38 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

you are all acting like i have a bagworm cocoon on my upper lip!! can't you all see that it was a RUSE??? they are trying to get my four dollars at the cost of my self esteem!!! who knows who else this has happened to??? injustice!!! injustice!!!

12:35 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Four dollars?! Really, that's it?!

That's a pretty good price.

7:22 PM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

They asked me one time if I wanted my CHIN waxed. I was like, "uh, no thanks". Then she said "you sure? You rearry need it" Awesome.

12:47 PM  

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