Monday, August 03, 2009

Tequila makes me social

For Valentine’s Day, Ryan planned a 6 day trip to Riviera Maya Mexico. Our schedules didn’t align until a couple of weeks ago so we left on a Sunday morning (our flight departed at 7am and since it was international, we had to be there at 5). So I met this couple in line at the refreshment stand and they seemed nice enough at the time…even offered to pay for my food when I realized the place didn’t take credit cards. We wound up sitting in front of them and some guy who must have eaten a child or some other heinous act which God thought sitting next to these two would be sufficient penance. We listened to this couple talk and laugh loudly for 2.5 hours on a 7am flight. I am sure the husband owns a crotch rocket and a wolf shirt and one of those helmets with the fake Mohawk on top and wears a gold chain and does lines of cocaine off the dash of his Preferred Stock drenched Ford Tempo. Example:

Husband: We saw your wife in the terminal. We were like DAMN! She is BIG!
And then we saw you and we were like DAMN! He is BIG too! But that’s ok, because you are a big sexy black man and I am a little sexy white man and that is the way we do!

What?? What is the way you do? He was getting all gangster on this poor guy just because he is black. And talking about their size?? He also kept calling the guy “brotha”. We were pissed when the flight attendant forced us to remove our IPODs 30 minutes before we landed.

The fourth night we were at the resort, we ran into the black guy and his wife at dinner and we started talking and then we started drinking and I am sure I was on my loveliest behavior after several tequila shots.

Here are several sweaty pictures I don't remember taking:

I had to crop this one so it would be SFW:

The next day, I was going through pictures and I said, "Who are all these people??" and Ryan said that I had personally befriended each one and brought them all back to our table. Apparently there were more than this even. I have no idea what I am doing or what I am sitting on but I look like I am the life of the freaking party at this point.

I also had several mysterious stains on my shorts because apparently I fell in several unfortunate places. I am an embarrassed cow. When we got back to our room, I lost all modesty and passed out nearly naked on the bathroom floor, mouth open, drool running out and Ryan decided to take pictures. Awesome. I can't wait to show our kids.


Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

I like how you apparently befriended someone's grandparents.

5:09 PM  
Blogger The Mop said...

the charming part is that you seem to need support for your neck.

11:10 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Sweet baby jeebus, that's it, I'm bringing 'round the wagon for you, as judging from the pics, you did some serious drinking.

I love the pics of you with the large black woman, she has that "Damn, white people be crazy!" look on her face. Yes, I recognize it because I get it all the time.

I can't get drunk on tequila, it comes right back up as soon as it hits bottom.

2:34 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

You look so comfy in those pictures.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Jay Ferris said...

Let's just hope you didn't volunteer for the donkey show.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

I kinda want to invite you to our house for Jay's 30th birthday party because we need cheap entertainment since our X-Box 360 broke, but we can't afford new furniture or new friends.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

:::spews Pepsi at screen while reading Jay's comment:::

Um, if you did, please don't post the pics.


3:31 PM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

Dude. I'm sad Ryan didn't think to invite me. I really want to hang out with drunk Crystal!

LMFAO at fat sparrow. White people do indeed be crazy.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

That's an awesome pic of you with both thumbs up, plastered and all. You are hysterical. You're the only person I know that makes drunkenness actually look smooth and classy.

Why do you like taking pictures half-shnookered and in full smooth classy mode? Because that's the way you do!

9:08 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

johnny, i even stole grandma's rum and coke and promptly threw it up and i kept asking ryan, "why is my puke brown????" inbetween apologies for being disgusting and screaming at him not to touch me.

the mop - lmao i do not know how i stayed vertical on the way back to the room. my head is top heavy.

fat sparrow - white people do be crazy. i am sure she thought of me exactly like the annoying girl on the plane. and, the tequila did come up. for hours.

the grunt - you should see the rest of them! i just don't feel like adding black bars to all those pictures.

jay - at this point, anything is possible

christie - i think you hurt my feelings?

sassy pants - we need to get drunk together. no one ever slips ME roofies!

Anthony - i thought i was being awesome and fun and looking hot. it's a good way to keep me grounded when i look through the pictures the next day.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

I'm kinda kidding, you could totally come. We got a new X-Box 360, so that would take some of the focus off you, plus Jay does totally dumb stuff when he's drunk, too. I'd be quite curious (as would most of the blogging community) to see what would happen if the 2 of you combined forces. I'd have the camera handy at all times.

5:32 PM  

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