Monday, August 10, 2009

Thanks a lot, BOGEY

I was sitting in here in the living room working and I heard this "splat!" and I looked up and a HUGE tree roach had apparently fallen from the ceiling.

Ok, I hate roaches more than anything in the world. Sometimes these huge tree roaches get in the house (not because we are dirty, but because we have trees and it happens) and I flip out and scream and annoy someone until they kill it for me. Which is usually Ryan. With the exception of a couple of weeks ago when one was in the garage and he made me kill it because he was too busy doing something completely unimportant like rewiring lights. I still haven't forgiven him. So I got HIS shoe, and I started screaming and running at the roach. And then I threw the shoe and the impact sprayed about five inches of guts on the cement and you know what I did? I didn't even clean it up. I just stepped over it. Because that is disgusting and I am not going to clean up roach guts. And then I came back in the house and said, "Thanks a lot for helping me kill that roach you asshole." I was being sarcastic. But not about the asshole part.

Then, I was in the kitchen one time at 4am and I saw one and I didn't want to wake anyone up so I got a shoe and threw it and it landed on top of the roach and I just left it there and put a note on the shoe that said, "HEY. There is a roach under here. Please clean it up and have a great day. Thanks." and Ryan's dad was staying with us that day and he found the note and he had to clean it up and when I apologized for it, he said it was ok. He was wondering what had happened because at 4am he heard screaming and slapping. I thought I was being quiet, but apparently, my roach rage knows no boundaries.

So, today, one fell from the ceiling. The hugest one I have probably ever seen and it immediately gets on its tiptoes and starts trying to creep across the living room tile and I was like, "hell, no" and I told Bogey, "Get it! Get the roach!" and I was pointing, but he just kept sniffing my finger and I was like, "No, get that roach!" and he finally got what I was saying, and started pawing at it. So he had the roach cornered and you know what he did???? That dog decided it would be a good idea to lovignly RUB HIS FACE on the roach. WTF. Useless animal.

So I had to kill another roach with Ryan's flip flop. And it is laying there and everytime I get close to it, my pumpkin oatmeal comes up a little bit in my throat. Grode. I am not cleaning that up.


Blogger Christie said...

I can kill things but I hate hate hate cleaning up the mess that comes with killing them. Jay uses books and I get so pissed when he uses my books. I threatened his life if he tries to use my Twilight books. I'm not kidding, I will take him out like no ones business.

9:29 AM  
Blogger heatherfeather said...

I do NOT miss the roaches of the South. Crickets are just as bad, because they leap all unpredictably and then where does that leave you?

Screaming and holding a wad of paper towels.

So this one time, I told Ernie to go get the cricket. He went over to it and licked it. Which at least helped a little because the cricket was too soggy to leap, making it easy for me to trap it under a plate for the Pants to go kill.

This other time, I put a wad of paper towels over the cricket at like 5 am. But I forgot to put a note on it, so when Pants went to go pick up the paper towels that I had left on the floor like a slovenly slob, the giant cricket leapt up at his face and he screamed.

That was actually really funny. But it wouldn't be if he were to do that to me, because then I'd scream, cry, and punch him in the ear. Maybe not even in that order. And he'd totally deserve that.

11:10 AM  
Blogger Jodey/Fat Chick Biker said...

Is that what those huge ass roaches are called? Dude...those things are disgusting. We've had like 2 in the house in the past couple weeks - I was hoping they came in with the new tiles I'd been buying for the bathroom remodel.

Hubs and I were in the bathroom talking about the remodel and this gigantic roach comes strolling out...I looked down at the roach and started pointing and jumping trying to get hubs to notice it. He notices it, says "damn it! I hate these things" and proceeds to chase said roach out of the bathroom...towards the bed. MY SIDE OF THE BED. I guess the roach outsmarted him because it wedged itself between my nightstand and the shelf where I keep all my photo crap. Hubs grabs this straw thing from my nightstand and yells "WHAT IS THIS?" I'm all "Huh? WTF do you need a straw for? You gonna slurp the roach up?" Then I realized what he was going to do and ran out of the room with my ears plugged. A few minutes later, I walk back in and hubs has crunched the roach with the straw (gross), then picked it up with toilet paper. As he walks past me, he moves the roach gut toilet paper in my direction, promptly resulting in a girlie "EEP" from me and a swat on the ass for being mean.

Gross. Roaches. Gross.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

You guys are fucking hilarious!!! Killing me, seriously.

Christie - I gasped when you said Twilight because who would even think of using Edward Cullen to smash a roach????? I would fly to you guys and beat his ass for you! and for Edward!

heatherfeather - when I was in college, crickets would invade the store that I worked at and we would just suck them up alive with a vacuum. Seriously, there would be like 500 of them at a time. And the vacuum would make noise and it smelled horrible but at least we didn't have to touch them. Eff crickets too. Ernie and Bogey should have playdates where they make friends with insects and cats.

Jodey - He killed the roach with a straw?????? Also, what is up with dudes chasing them away?? Ryan sometimes tries to chase roaches away and I'm all, "Oh, No sir. You kill it right now, mister." I can't relax knowing that when I round any given corner in my home, that a roach may be lurking waiting for me to...i don't know....get on me or something. They should go over this type of thing in pre-marriage counseling.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

i don't clean up bug guts. i leave it as a warning to other bugs that think they may want to mess with me.

11:42 AM  
Blogger shine said...

Okay, I'm going to scare you a little bit here. When I lived in Hawaii, there were...FLYING COCKROACHES. Flying.

In fact, I have a great story about our babysitter and how freaked out she was about the things. Maybe I'll tell it sometime.

I love it that you left a note on the shoe. And that someone's dad cleaned up the mess. AWESOME. You're my hero.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Jodey/Fat Chick Biker said...

Shine - Florida has those flying roaches too. Down there they're politely called "palmetto bugs."

Nasty fuckers.

Oh. And I have a cat. You'd think she'd be all interested in having a roach snack. No. She is a useless waste of fur who snores when she sleeps.

3:54 PM  
Anonymous denise said...

Heh. Toze (my cat) is the same way - he just stares at my finger and the roach gets to make The Great Escape.

But I love him anyway.
The cat, Not the roach *LOL*

Surviving breast cancer...

8:52 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Cats are a double-edged sword with the big tree roaches. Our oldest used to catch them and bring them in the bed as presents. She figured out pretty quickly that this was not okay. Now we usually just find them dead in the middle of the floor, which is much better.

7:52 AM  
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