Friday, September 18, 2009

I am still always trying to show off my panties...

When I was a kid, I had a friend named Eunice. Well, I should rephrase that. I am reluctant to call her a friend as we got in a fist fight infront of some hot neighborhood boys when I was 8 years old. And by fist fight, I mean she pushed my face into some stickerburrs and I ran home crying and my dad had to pick them out of my face and I could tell he was disappointed that I didn't even get a shot in. I was a pretty mean kid myself and got after my brother regularly with a wire barbecue pit brush grill scraper thing. For some reason, Eunice scared the shit out of me. For good reason, I guess. In high school, I was at a party in someone's trailer house and all of a sudden, there was this big BANG! and the trailer shook and I rushed outside to see if someone ran their vehicle into the house and realized that Eunice had taken one of the cheerleaders at our school and threw her face into the side of the trailer. She was a mean cheerleader and I gained a whole new respect for Eunice and felt a twinge of responsibility as I did not stop her from running my face into something when I was a kid.
Anyway.
So Eunice messaged me on Facebook and several memories came flooding back to me.
Like this one time, still at 8 years old, we had a bit of a drought and the creek next to us had a catfish swimming around in 4 inches of water and his little back was sticking out of the water so we decided it would be fun to shoot it with a bb gun and then make a fire and eat it later. We had a BB gun, but for some reason my parents had taken all the BBs away after my brother stealthily shot the neighbor kid in his penis. So we had to find BBs. Mom's nailpolish! Great idea! So I dumped out 4 bottles of my mom's nailpolish in the bathroom sink to get the bb's out (some of them went down the drain) and I brought the BB gun and the 2 pellets I scored to Eunice, but they did not fit in the gun. Good for the fish, good for the potential fire hazard and horribly bad for my buttcheeks when my mom got home from work and found her bathroom sink coated in several shades of pink.
I also remember when I finally got the balls to stand up to her. I was at her house in 4th grade and we were playing. Eunice had gotten a training bra and wore shirts off the shoulder so you could see it. I was wearing a miniskirt and I did a sommersault and she said, "You're always trying to show off your panties!" and I got offended and ran home and then called her on the telephone 4 hours later and said, "WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO SHOW OFF YOUR BRA!". OOOOoooooOOOOO. BURN. I burned her so hard that birds were having tragic accidents in the sky that date due to not being able to see each other because of her plumes of smoke. Like she needs to stop, drop and roll. Like she needs to call the EPA file for a large quantity generator air permit.
Another time, we found an old refrigerator in some woods in the back of our neighborhood and Eunice pooped in the crisper drawer.
Good times.

54 Comments:

Blogger Ed Adams said...

Glad you're back posting again.

10:59 AM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Wow, I had to take a couple of minutes there to wipe the tears out of my eyes and get my breath back before I could post, because I was laughing so hard.

Facebook is amazing, isn't it? And by that I mean completely shite. The other week, Facebook was kind enough to Friend Suggest to me the guy that date raped me in Junior High.

I really hope you reminisce about all of this on Eunice's Facebook page. Keep us posted!

11:37 AM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

I am CRYING! Oh, and good call bringing your wedding dress to the party to "make sure you can play flip cup in it".

11:46 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

First, I have to admit that I feel pretty guilty laughing at your "people you may know" experience. I'm sorry for that.
Second, I did bring it up on her FB by saying "remember when we found that fridge in the woods and someone pooped in it?" Did you like how I was so clever when I said someone? Anyhow, she responded by saying, "I remember selling a lot of Kool-aid." So, yeah. That didn't work out quite like I expected.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Sassy - I am nothing if not a classy piece.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

Am I the only one who realizes this chick might be a bully because her parents named her EUNICE!??? That name reeks of crochet and blue hair. I'd be pissed too.

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Blogger Jay Ferris said...

I would seriously hate to be the lady that's going to have to share a prison cell with Eunice someday.

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Blogger Ed Adams said...

Eunice sounds HOT!

Seriously though, everybody knows nothing good happens at trailor parties.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Well, I wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't think I could get a laugh out of it. So what does that say about me? Yep, I must be some kind of sick fuck, hahaha.

I had an aunt named Eunice. However, she was the good one in the family. It was my grandma Thelma that was the hellraiser. In the 1920's, Gramma "accidentally" locked her mom in the basement so that she could go to a dance. Their religion didn't hold with dancing, and that was the only way she could go.

9:49 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Amber...I have to admit that I changed her name and I like the name Eunice. She has a pretty name and loves the lord now so Eunice seems appropriate...I can give her that.

Jay - haven't you seen that show on cinimax called CellMates?? Hot. You should reconsider because, although mean, she is quite pretty.

Ed, I know right! You shoulda been around back then to let me know the what's up on trailer houses.

Sparrow - Thelma sounds awesome! One of my managers had an Aunt Thelma who broke a beer bottle across the faceof someone who disrespected her nephew. Then she pulled a gun out of her panties and said, "Me and my nephew is leavin this bar. You can either be alive or dead when we do it." Sadly, I could never be as cool of an aunt. When I found out a kid was pushing my nephew out of his chair at pre-school, I wanted to break his arm Hand That Rocks The Cradle style, but I never did it because I am a pussy and the kid would probably kick my ass. Also, I think they made bigger panties back then. There is no way I am fitting a gun in these.

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