Monday, October 05, 2009

I'm picking out a thermos for youuuuuuu.....

I always think people who use "I was drunk!" as an excuse are full of crap because no matter how drunk you get, you always know what you are doing. I am changing my stance after last weekend. It depends on how much and what kind of beer you have. Like that one time when I went to Europe for work and I drank a bunch of Stella Artois because I thought it was a light beer and I wound up demonstrating how I push my erect nipples in whenever I rode the elevator at work because it was like a freezer in there. I literally took my thumbs, pressed in my nipples and counted with my eyes closed "1...2...3...4...5...6...7..." in front of my boss and several clients. Even though you may know what you are doing, the whole "is this appropriate?" question flies out the window and you wake up with inverted nipples smelling like cigarette smoke and shame.

Before I go on, I want you to know that:

SHINER BLONDE HAS WAY MORE ALCOHOL CONTENT THAN IT TASTES LIKE. MAYBE IF I WERE DRINKING KEYSTONE LIKE SOME PEOPLE, I WOULD NOT HAVE SAID SNATCH IN FRONT OF SEVERAL PEOPLE.

Ok, so yes, Amber posted about me. I am only linking to it because she says I have nice boobs. Thanks, dude! I have to say that both of you have excellent boobs as well.

Also, Amber, we played flip cup on the same team and we rocked the house at it. I remember totally wanting to kick your brother's broad's ass just because I am old and she is only 20 and that is not fair. I wish I could have stuck around for another game, but if I was any drunker, Ryan would have been very put out. He was already upset with me for rolling the window up and down with my toe the whole way home and eventually put the child lock on and ordered me a kid's meal (even though I didn't want one) very loudly to make a point.

I am honestly having trouble remembering some things. I do remember that SPM peed her pants while I was still sober. Also, regarding the Potato Head fiasco. Ok, I knew that hanging out with the kid was a bad idea, but somehow I was alone with him in the living room and we were playing cars and when I was having trouble not screaming, "fuck yeah! in yo face" when my car went faster than his, I decided it would be a good idea to go back outside, but he started crying and he is so damn cute that I couldn't go back outside. Then Kayleigh came in.... Kayleigh Kayleigh Kayleigh and was all, "Have you shown Crystal Kid Town??" Thanks, Kayleigh. So, he takes me upstairs. I love kids, mind you, and he is an adorable one, but my brother barely lets me hang out with my niece and nephews unsupervised because I have a dirty mouth. That's when he pulled out the Mr. Potato Head. I am just saying. I tried to remove myself from the situation, but it is all Kayleigh's fault. If she wasn't so likable, I totally would have started a nasty rumor about her.

As far as the Cutlass goes, Ambers, it was a Cutlass Supreme. I would have told y'all that night, but I didn't want y'all to be jealous.

I think we need to hang out more so I can build up a tolerence before my bachelorette party. I really don't want to be passed out by 9pm while all of you get to play with men covered in baby oil and wearing only thongs and ankle socks. I need to learn from the masters.

Also, Amber sang "I can feel it coming in the air tonight..." very loudly in front of many, many people.

13 Comments:

Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"- When a date of one of the guys that was at the party mentioned that she was born in 1989, Crystal scowls at the youngness of this little whippersnapper and bellows, "I was getting finger banged in the back of a Cutlass in 1989!"."

Rock on, girlfriend! At last, someone who shares my pain! Of course, I'll be 40 in December, ahem.

"- As we were trying to finish up everything for the fajitas inside the house, Crystal was playing Mr. Potato Head with Sassypants' son, who is four. I'm not completely sure of the wording because I was drunk by then, but I think she asked him if he thought it was weird that Mr. Potato Head keeps all his stuff in his butt. And now he asks everyone if they keep their stuff in their butt. Sassy thanks you, Crystal. And so do the other moms at his daycare."

You know, we all got in trouble back in the 70's for going around singing that Steve Martin song about putting things in your butt, so I really think you're getting a bad rap on this one. Besides, while completely sober, the Spouse Sparrow and I were playing with our 5-year-old son's Darth Tater (the Star Wars version of Mr. Potato Head) and we kept trying to put Darth Tater's lightsaber up his butt, until our son told us, in no uncertain terms, that Darth Tater did not like light sabers up his butt. His hand, however, was okay. And those were our son's words. And we have not yet been visited by Child Protective Services. So I think you're doing fine.

1:33 AM  
Blogger Ed Adams said...

You some CRAZY people!

Sounds like fun times.

5:47 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Sparrow - you never fail to make me laugh my ass off. I even had to read the Darth Tater part aloud to Ryan this morning. He hasn't read my blod lately, so it came out of the blue and Ryan was all ??????? It reminded me of that kid on that bank commercial who gets the cardboard truck. Here:
http://pitsphotos.blogspot.com/2009/10/blog-post.html

or you can watch it here on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKdIKP1arF0

Watch for his face at :22. Exactly.
And that makes me love you because the look on his face was almost as funny as the comment.

5:52 AM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

Aaaaand you did air drums at the wrong part of "In the Air Tonight" three times. I win.

5:54 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Ed....it was fun times. I think we have one mom that had several secret lives.

5:55 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Amber....

I did air drums?

5:55 AM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

You did air drums.

Three times.

With headbanging.

Unfortunately, you were about a verse too early each time. It was still awesome air drumming though.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Spot said...

I just linked to your blog from Ambers. Funny funny shit girls. I love "and then my drunk ass did this..." stories. Especially when they're about someone else so I don't have to feel bad. My husband and I have a rule that only one of us drinks so the other can drive when we go out. And my husband loves to get me sooo drunk that I can be talked into almost anything because he knows that for weeks afterwards he can say "and then you did this" and I won't remember it. Keep having fun!

‚ô•Spot

PS...Fat Sparrow, that Darth Tater story is priceless!!!

9:55 AM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

You did do air drums. It was a pretty awesome performance. Chris still talks about how funny our "drunk friend from work" was that night. :)

10:07 AM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

And for the record, I did not pee myself, the beer jumped at my crotch!

10:25 AM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"Sparrow - you never fail to make me laugh my ass off."

Which is somewhat scary, as I was not even trying to be funny.

That look is brilliant; the kid's all "FTW?!"

9:05 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

I once ended up in the E.R. because my ulcer was about ready to explode. The doctor asked if I had been drinking, and I had to tell him that my husband and I were drinking nightly to build up a tolerance to alcohol so we could take full advantage of the free drinks we would be getting in Vegas. He did not see the humor or reasoning behind it. at. all.

Douche.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

I tagged you on my blog!

6:47 AM  

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