Cancer is an Asshole, Dude

I met this guy, Shawn, through blogging back in 2006. We were both single and shared male/female perspective with each other in order to dissect the dysfunctional people we met through online dating. And there were a lot! We both had dirty dating blogs to bitch about and make ruthless fun of our victims (or predators, as was the case most of the time).

In 2007, Shawn was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and started another blog here. He kept dating! He also kept going to the gym and playing softball and living life as normally as possible while fighting the battle of his life. He modeled for a colondar. At the bottom of that page, there are youtube videos of Shawn sharing his story. You should definitely watch. I am in awe of his spirit and his positive attitude. I regret not telling him that when he was alive.

Stephanie and I both ordered colondars from Shawn. In October, he signed them and sent them both to me. I kept forgetting to give Stephanie's to her. On December 13th, the day he passed (before I knew he passed), I put the colondar in the front seat of my truck so I could give it to her that day. And I forgot. I am mad at myself for that. Last night, Steph came over and she opened her calendar. The first line was "Steph, whenever we meet...." and went on to say some Shawn-type stuff that was hilarious. She immediately started bawling. She had gone to DC a couple of years ago for a funeral and decided, for whatever reason, not to meet up with him. She is mad at herself for that.

You know, it is weird, the people who affect our lives. I've never physically met Shawn, but we have shared friendship and swapped emotions and he has just a big of an impact on my life as any friend whom I see regularly. This has made me realize that I am not the friend I want to be. I don't let people know how amazing they are. He was so strong, I never thought cancer had a chance. Death can creep up on you and you are left with an ache and an emptiness. There is solace in knowing you've gotten to say goodbye, but all too often, we don't get that chance. I'm sorry, friend, for never telling you how much I respected you and for sometimes not answering IMs or emails or phone calls because I was lazy. Our last communication was on October 30th. We were discussing his treatment options and he remarked that he was afraid he may not pick the right one.

Cancer is scary to me. I have lost several family members to it and I think I have tendency to avoid the fact that people I love were/are terrorized by it. I have to quit being scared.

It is important to tell the people you love that they rock. Even if you have never had coffee with them or gone to a Pitt game together. Emotionally and spiritually, we are connected and that is what matters.