Thursday, December 03, 2009

Oops I crapped my pants

I was catching up on reading blogs this morning and I came across this one from one of my favorite bloggers. Holla Meshealle! So I was going to leave a comment, but it would have been waaaaay too long so I decided to post about it. Plus, I don't think I ever told Ryan this story and he may be slightly amused or completely disgusted. I'll take my chances.

It's about poop, y'all.

Back before Ryan discovered that I actually had bowel movements, we decided to go watch a UFC Fight at Jamie & Dave's. I kinda felt my butt falling asleep while I was getting ready, but I ignored it because I was running late and he was going to be there any minute. This apparently also happened before Ryan knew that I don't wake up with eyeliner on.

So he picked me up and we headed over. Then he did something completely outrageous considering my state. HE PICKED UP TACO BELL AND I WAS FORCED TO EAT A BURRITO. Immediately after the third bite hit my belly, I felt some creaking in my basement. This is never a good sign. By the time we got to Dave and Jamie's, I was in full on clench and breathe carefully mode. I was also sweating and shaking. I wasn't about to go drop a bomb in Jamie's bathroom so I text messaged Steph, please call me in 5 minutes. That was the longest 5 minutes of my life. Finally, she called and I had a fake conversation with her and asked Ryan if I could borrow his keys. He decided it was a good time to get inquisitive so instead of saying something that made any sense, I told him that Steph and I had been shopping and she left a bag in my car and I needed to go get it to her because she had a date and she had absolutely nothing else to wear because she hadn't done laundry in two weeks, ya know, busy with work and she has that volunteer thing that she does. It was completely obvious that I was lying, but he surrendered his keys to me anyway.

As soon as I was out the door, I was running like Fred Flintstone with my knees together and going as fast as my little ankles could carry me to his truck. My apartment was only about 15 minutes away. I kept verbally assuring myself that I was going to make it. I realized very quickly that I was not, so I pulled into the first gas station I saw (I loathe public bathrooms). It was ghetto. Like, there were bars on the windows and I went through a gauntlet of crackheads asking me for money. As soon as the clerk saw my face, he pointed to the bathroom. I didn't need to ask. The bathroom was in a part of the gas station that used to be a fast food place so it was dark and there was this long hallway. There was a homeless guy following me too, but I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The toilet looked clean! Praise Jesus! Then I realized something terrifying. The bathroom did not have a working lock. Aw, fuck. When I opened the door again, the homeless guy was standing there smiling at me. I really started weighing my options between going anyway and risk getting raped by a man that smelled like Old English and dumpster or not going and possibly having a disastrous accident in Ryan's vehicle.

I hate Old English and I am sure his balls hadn't been washed with anything besides his own saliva in the past two years. So I left. I made it to my apartment and, for some reason, what I am about to say almost seems too personal to share. Weird, huh? Anyway, I let out a moan that probably made my neighbors think that I was getting railed by a really hot guy in nothing but ankle socks. Like a moan with a twinge of defeat that said, "THIS IS AWESOME! but seriously?? ankle socks???"

I made it back to the party. I am sure I was glowing at that point. Ryan asked me if I really went to meet up with another guy. I kept with my original story. Sorry I lied. You probably wish I would lie more often instead of nowadays when I get up and announce "poop!" before leaving the room.

8 Comments:

Blogger shine said...

Oh man, this is GREAT!

I've had a couple of those moments, too. Why do we think we have to hide the fact that we poop? I would have been unwilling to take a giant dump in my friends' bathroom too, though. Well, unless everyone was asleep.

Ahem.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Ed Adams said...

Where have you been?

I guess you've been busy pooping.

You really need to come around more often.

I've missed your wit.

I also love that you announce "Poop" before you go. HA!

Stop by and say hi sometime.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

"Creaking in my basement" -Hilarious.

I'm really glad the Old-English-smelling-saliva-ball-washer didn't rape you. Or maybe that would have made for a good story?

Kidding.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Oh man. I feel your pain..I went to a club recently - 2 stalls, no doors, no tp and of course...burrito express. I drove back to my hotel room, but when I turned out of the club parking lot the street was a one way divided highway and I had to drive 3 miles in the wrong direction to make a U-Turn. Good thing I was sitting down...

9:41 PM  
Blogger Brandi said...

Holy shit (no pun intended), this was hilarious. My favorite lines...

"Immediately after the third bite hit my belly, I felt some creaking in my basement." Shut the f up. Hilarious metaphor or idiom or whatever.

"I let out a moan that probably made my neighbors think that I was getting railed by a really hot guy in nothing but ankle socks." This one's a similie.

I teach. I know these things.

Thanks for that story. Hilarious.

6:22 PM  
Blogger MDubs said...

I am laughing so hard at my desk right now...like tears. This was awesome.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

shine - i have some friends that i don't mind pooping in their bathroom, but a lot of factors go into it, like who is in the house at the time, whether there is spray and good reading material and how much toilet paper they have left.

ed - i have been working. boooooo. and pooping. and announcing it.

amber - i'm glad too. but if it did happen, it definitely would have been one of those, "well, at least i can blog about this" stories.

johnny - that is why God put our blowholes on our bottoms. he is a considerate God. can you imagine if it was on your forehead??

brandi - what the heck is an idiom? learn me, teacher!

MDubs - stop drinking at work, lady!

7:27 AM  
Blogger Brandi said...

Idiom: a phrase in which the meaning cannot be taken literally, only figuratively.

"It's raining cats and dogs."
"That cost me an arm and a leg."
"Are you shitting me?"

You knew this. You just didn't know the term was connected to it.

10:11 AM  

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