Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm growin up

Last year, we took a girl trip to NYC. We took a cab from Long Island to Manhattan. I was in the backseat with my sister-in-law and my 7 year old niece and I don't know if it was the insane driving or the overwhelming smell of Drakaar Noir, but she wound up turning green and telling her mom she didn't feel good. I bet you think you know where this is going and you're right about one part. She puked. And you know what my sister-in-law did???? She held her hand out so Kellie could violently dispense the lunch that had been festering inside her belly. Gross. Upon seeing that, smelling it and feeling the liquified chicken nuggets soak my jeans, I rolled down the window just enough to stick my nose out and started dry heaving. We still had a 30 minute cab drive to our hotel, which took a little longer because our cab driver stopped to help a stranded motorist and then stopped again to buy us pretzels out of the goodness of his heart. The rest of the weekend I kept asking my sister-in-law why she held her hand out. I was completely bewildered. She said it was just instict, but my instinct would have been to push the kid out of the car.

Last Thursday, Jeanie and I went to Target. It was rainy and cold and when we got into the store, there was a little white dog in there (we will call him philcollins). He was terrified and had obviously been in the rain for awhile. The Target "team members" were trying to catch him and dump him back out and he was running from everyone. I knelt down and he jumped right into my arms. He was covered in fleas and had a cut on his leg and was shaking so we took him home. It was almost 6 and we wanted to see if he was microchipped so before bathing him, Ryan and I took him to the Humane Society. He wasn't chipped. On the way home, Philcollins started doing this weird little dance. He looked like one of those inflatible tube men on top of stores that wave to get your attention and I was like ????????? and then I realized he was going to throw up and you know what I did??? I stuck my hand out. And he puked in it. There was an assortment of treasures in my hand including undigested weenie and popcorn and something plastic and Ryan pulled over so I could dump it and clean up a little. Thank God he didn't stop to help any Mets fans with bad batteries or decide it was time for a warm pastry.

When we got home, I bathed him in Dawn and treated him for fleas. Then I texted my sister-in-law and said, "I am going to be a good mom! I had puke in my hand today!!!" and she responded, "Great!!!! You will be!" and then I said, "Also, I scrubbed his butthole!!!" and she texted back, "Ok, you're crossing the line now." I suppose I should have told her it was Philcollins, but I liked her assuming I scrubbed Ryan's (*) . It makes me sound more mature.

I put ads out looking for the owner with no luck. I am having a hard time coming up with a name for him. Amber suggested Philcollins, so I am going to go with that for now. He likes to hump Ryan and Steph's dog, Peanut. Bogey likes to hump him. The other night, Ryan got video footage of some severe humping action between Bogey and Philcollins with his night vision camcorder and when I watch it, I expect Paris Hilton to show up and make a duck face. I would post it here for y'all's enjoyment, but I don't know how to work the video camera.

Any suggestions for names? He is twleve pounds and some type of terrier.

I took him to the vet yesterday and spent $260 on him and I haven't even gotten his nuts removed yet! So we will keep him for now. I am still open to finding him a kick ass owner though. We'll see. It may be hard to let him go. I think we did a little bit of bonding when he threw up in my hand.


Blogger Ed Adams said...

He looks awesome!

He's a keeper, especially once his nutts are removed to prevent further humping.

Glad you're back. I wish you would post more often.

12:38 PM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Precious. The kind of pose a dog can pull off but a man can't. Keep him and name him...Target!

5:56 PM  
Blogger Jay Ferris said...

That dog isn't going anywhere and you know it.

I've caught my kid's puke on several occasions, and each time I was completely mortified with myself. Granted, one of those times I caught it with my eyeball, but still.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

I would have pushed her out of the taxi. And I'm a parent twice over.

That being said, I have indeed caught puke from both animal, vegetable, and mineral, and I'm sure "children" fit in to one of those categories. And I did tear the Spouse Sparrow a new one for not catching the Nestling Sparrow's puke and letting it hit the wicker bathroom furniture instead. He should have taken one for the team, dammit.

He's a keeper; how can you resist that cute face?

8:52 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

I would not, however, have named him "Philcollins," as the temptation to beat seven shades of shite out of him every time I thought of "Sussudio" would be too much for me to overcome.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

Don't listen to Fat Sparrow!! Philcollins is the best name ever, and I can't believe you picked it out of the thirty suggestions you had on Facebook. I feel extremely honored.

He looks like a Philcollins too. I can see him air drumming just like his foster momma.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Tys on Ice said...

sex is something anyone who wants to stay in my house, loses..

phil collin is a great name...stick to that.

7:41 PM  
Blogger Logophile said...

Dang it!
No one told me this was criteria for good parenting
I have a 10 and 13 year old kid and don't do this!
In fact,
I prefer to be in another room if puking is going happen.

That dog though? Way cute

11:35 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Found your blog recently and I am loving it!

I was reading some of your archives and you had posted a while back about a name that you really wanted to name something. I cant find it but again but if you can remember then you should name him that.

7:38 AM  

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