Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ricki Lake was naked and screaming

Ryan and I Netflixed The Business of Being Born which was made, I suppose, in order to encourage women to give birth at home in their bathtub or squatting on the kitchen floor. Usually, I am very easy to persuade and pretty much just go along with whatever someone tells me to do. I also don't have many opinions that aren't based solely on the beliefs of others. That's what makes me so affable. I also have some sort of paralyzing fear relating to me being judged by the granolas. For example, I will probably be one of those people who puts a cloth diaper on over a disposable one when I go to the store and just tell everyone my child was born with a fatty butt. There are people like that, right? So I went into this movie thinking that I was going to come out on the other side insisting we hire a doula and invest in a living room sized baby pool.

So let me tell you something. And you listen good. Ricki Lake is in a bathtub naked and moaning in pain and I actually watched her child come out of her vagina. My first thought was, this woman needs a bigger bathtub and my second thought was are my boobs going to do that? and my third thought was OH MY GOD.

I am pretty sure I went into some type of traumatic shock at this point in the film and spent the rest of it with my mouth open and blinking very hard every 3 seconds.

Ok, so then after Ricki has her baby in a college kid's dorm room bathtub, we were introduced to a screaming woman who had her kid while squatting on the kitchen floor. When he started crowning, you could visibly see the mental stress on the vagina's face. It was shaking. It reminded me of how when my ex-boyfriend used to try to pick me up all manly like when we were washing dishes and his mouth would go into some type of trapezoid shape and his veins would pop out his forehead and he would shake all over like he was about to burst. (Not sexy, guys. If your girlfriend weighs too much, just skip that part.) Anyway, it was like the vagina was all "I am about to lose my shit guys. Seriously. I am doing my best here if you could work with me, I'd really like to keep some kind of poise in this situation" and then all at once WHAM the vagina spat the kid out on the floor like a wad of chaw. Not even kidding you, friends. This happened. And I was immediately like, "GET THAT FUCKING GIRL TO A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW!"

Needless to say, this movie did not do a good job of convincing me that I should opt out of going to a hospital or taking drugs (LOL@ that ridiculous thought). In your face, hippies! Also, one of my friends had 36 stitches in her stuff. The End.


Blogger Ed said...

Babies are meant to be born in the hospital. It's in the Constitution. Or the Bible. It's somewhere.

Only fish are born in water.

Pools and Bathtubs are for conceiving kids only.

Home births are for Hippies and Hillbillies.

Get thee to the ER.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Arielle said...

Yes, do get the epidural. I tried without... ouch.

I don't know how many stitches I had, but they aren't fun, and i didn't feel her put a single one of them in... nor did I feel Ivan come out... The epidural was amazing... enough said.

7:14 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Ah, the miracle of birth...

1:50 AM  
Blogger Blur said...

Being a professional bachelor I have no opinion on this what so ever.

9:15 AM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

The epidural makes the stitches worth it. I speak from experience.

6:25 AM  
Anonymous Consciously Sedated said...

As a labor and delivery nurse, I can attest that birthing babies is a messy ordeal. Why the f**k would anyone want all that slime in their bath or on their kitchen flood?


4:54 PM  

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