Thursday, June 16, 2011

Don't Make Me Cut A Bitch

Amber, over at Everybody's Working for the Weekend, recently mentioned on her facebook page that she is hormonal and started crying when her pet bird bit a hole in her shirt. One of her friends commented, "When I was pregnant with Ally and Kelly Clarkson won American Idol I cried so hard and so long that I had to sleep in the next day and go to work late...and I had never watched AI until that night."

The point is, when you're pregnant, you really turn into another person. My opinion is that you're not allowed to drink or smoke weed or eat a bunch of sushi or whatever you normally do to cope...that, in addition to the fact that none of your clothes fit, you're experiencing fun things like baby elbows in your ribs, boob/crotch sweat and involuntary farting at work. All of that sucks so it is completely normal for your fat-ankled camel's back to be broken by several straws a day.

That reminded me of a time when I was 8 months pregnant. I had just finished teaching a class and I was tired and trying to get home. So I rounded a corner and there was a vehicle stuck in a ditch with a tow truck hooked up to it blocking the entire roadway. About 200 feet in front of them was another tow truck partially blocking the road and the lady tow truck driver was outside watching. I needed to turn around, but the only way I could do it was to pull into the driveway on the other side of the that tow truck and back up that way. There was still plenty of room between her and the ditched vehicle so I started to go and the lady tow truck driver flipped her shit. She started screaming at me and calling me stupid and at one point, she was like, "What the fuck are you doing???!" At that point, I decided it would be a good idea to put my truck in park and get out and start waddling over to her throwing my hands in the air and I think I said something like, "What are you going to to about it, bitch?" [Ed. note: this is kind of embarrassing for me to admit. I wish I was that gangster on a regular basis. Please keep in mind that if someone looks at me sideways, I make it my mission to either get them to like me by buying them things or showing them my boobs.] So she, obviously scared that a severly pregnant lady was about to attack her, screamed back, "You need to turn around, bitch!" so I started waddling faster because I will be dammed if she gets the best of me. I did not stand in front of a classroom for 6 hours and pee my pants a little bit every hour to deal with this crap. I was just about to go thug on her when I heard "BEEWOOOOP!" and turned my head to the left where a cop was sitting in his patrol car watching the whole thing. I had never even seen him in my blind rage. He didn't even get out of his car. He turned his speaker on and said, "Come on, ladies, get it together. Ma'am, get back in your car" and then he proceeded to give me directions on how to get my truck out of the area all via the loud speaker. He wasn't about to get out of his patrol car and enter into the danger that was a pregnant lady in a waddling rage. He wasn't ready for this jelly. Crystal Street Cred = 10.

After I got back into my car, I called my husband so we could talk smack about the lady tow truck driver together and he would make me feel better about the whole situation and we would giggle and then he would massage my feet when I got home because I'd had such a hard day. HAHAHAHA @ my silly expectations. I actually wound up getting an earful about how I need to be careful with his unborn child and blahblahblahsomeotherirrationalbullshitblahblahblah and I wound up hanging up on him and crying the whole way home.

Lessons to be learned: Lady tow truck drivers suck and men should always just smile and agree with whatever their wife says...especially if she is pregnant.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The full story is SO MUCH better than the Cliffs Notes version I got in my comments.

I also think you are spot on about why we're so easily upset while pregnant... They took away my booze, sushi, and smokes, among other things, and that is probably the reason I'm so bitchy. Plus the hormones make me wanna do it all the time and my boyfriend has to like, go to work and stuff, instead of staying home in bed with me, so that adds to the bitchiness. Grrr.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Ed said...

The tow truck lady knew she was outnumbered. Preggos count double. And that copper knew better than to mix it up with all that Estrogen/Progesterone flowing in the street.

12:24 PM  
Blogger TX Gooner! said...

I'm so never getting married.

10:50 AM  
Blogger kari said...

CRYSTAL!
how are you? i miss you!
i never blog anymore. but i'm trying to start again.

your next blog post needs to be a summary of the past couple of years. because i say so.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Erika Purington said...

Lmao

5:05 PM  

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