Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Yo baby pop yeah you

I haven't been blogging because I have been busy with a kid. And facebook. And Pinterest. And drinking wine in all my spare time....including now. However, I am feeling like blabbing tonight and it is too late to call people on a school night and everyone is asleep so I can't perfect my chair routine to "Freeze Frame" lest I wake someone up and they want a bottle of milk or sex. So I will take it out on my poor laptop who is all, "I thought you were on vacation!" Never gets a break, this one.

Something that happened recently: I got fake eyelashes. I was getting my nails done and the lady who always asks if I want my lip waxed even though I don't have a mustache said, "oh, honey, you wan eyelash. only 80 dollar." and I was like, "what? i wan eyelash?" and after a few minutes of broken English and frustrated nodding on my part, I was laying down with tape over my bottom lids getting eyelashes individually glued on for an hour and a half. Having your bottom eyelids taped down for that long is scary as shit. You can't open your eyes and sometimes the lady doing the whole thing gets up to DO SOMEONE'S NAILS without telling you and you can hear her in the background criticizing someone else's mustache. When I was finally done and she gave me the mirror, I was in shock. I looked like this. I could hardly open my eyes and she gave me some bull about how I will get used to it and how I look very pretty. I have braided them and taped them to my eyebrows. Also, the whole "if i can't see you, you can't see me" rule does not apply. I found myself deliberately not making eye contact with people in hopes that they wouldn't notice the hungry spider vaginas peering off my face, but no such luck. Folks were like, "WHOA! Did you get fake eyelashes?" So, the moral of the story is, when you're having a bad day, it could always be worse. You could have made the decision to spend $80 getting false eyelashes put on and they look ridiculous and you have to walk around with that shit superglued to your face for 3-6 weeks.

What else...

My profession allows me to visit many different oil field locations in places like East Texas. Sometimes, when I get to talking to these good ol' boys, my grammar may slip a little. I may even say things like, "Whoooo doggie, them some hot coveralls" or something like that. I think it has to do with me feeling like I am back at home and I usually get a warm reception from the guys at rigs. So one day when I was at work, a cowboy actually told me my grammar was atrocious. He asked me if I even went to school. Now, I pride myself on knowing how to use proper grammar. That was the only class I ever aced in school. However, I tend to use creative license in every day speak and on my blog (gimmie a break I am drinking). Kind of like when I refused to name my kid Gladys or Hillis because I didn't want to put people in the position of using the s' or the s's. God forbid someone give me a homemade sign to hang in her room that said "Gladys's Toys". I couldn't live with it. Even though that may be the correct usage, who really knows? That is something I am not comfortable with and I am not going to subject my child to years of scrutiny when she is referring to her posessions.
ANYWAY, so this guy told me my grammar was atrocious and I have since set out to prove to him that my grammar is, in fact, amazing. He wound up friending me on our office instant messenger and I am finding it stressful. I am using complete sentences and expressing my feelings in actual words instead of emoticons or phrases like "i b chillin. what u doin?". Do you guys know how hard it is to end a sentence without a preposition??? So I have found myself using "with which" a lot. What makes me sound like a bigger douchebag? I finally broke down and told him the pressure he was putting me under (the pressure in which he was putting me?) and he didn't even know what a preposition was!!!!!!! fml.

So yeah, I have a kid. She just turned 1 last week and she is awesome. I am going to leave you with a music video she made to LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" because I have become one of those parents that forces people to stare at her kid. Yep.

Blogger won't let me embed it for some reason, so here is a link to the video. Warning: She has passion in her pants and she ain't afraid to show it.


Blogger Consciously Sedated said...

I must have started following you right around the time you took leave to have your baby. I saw you on my dashboard and thought, "who the fuck is this." Now I remember.

I think you write good (JK) WELL, otherwise, I wouldn't be following you.

Nice to see you back. Anna is adorable. Hopefully, you will have more nights alone with wine and your blog.

p.s. I did the fake eyelashes... you can have them removed for something ridiculous, like $75 or something like that.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously great to know you're still alive and kicking. Although it's funny that you're now avoiding sex.

9:58 AM  
Blogger kari said...

lovely to see you blogging again! your little one is close in age to my wee Olive. i too took a blogging break - not intentionally, but babies have the tendency to eat up time i used to spend smoking, drinking and blogging. sigh. those were the days. ha! i must see photos. post soon.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Kimber Leszczuk. said...

Were the eyelashes they put on you really that long? That is insane!!! Wow!

My kids love that LMFAO song too but they like the parody "Gassy and Bloated" because they say it should be their dad's theme song ha ha ha!

6:13 AM  
Blogger Jay Ferris said...

If you don't post something new soon, I'm going to start spamming you with pics of that guy who had his face eaten off. NOBODY WANTS THAT.

7:40 PM  
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