Thursday, May 24, 2007

Oh, For Crying Out Loud

1. This embarrassing. Read Rosie O’Donnell blog. Compelled 2 write like 6th gr8der. Annoying. Like this.

2. Boss leaving. No more Africa for him. Italy-bound. Lucky bastard. Crystal = despair. New boss. My age. Haven’t met. Hopefully he is, like, totally awesome.

3. Writing like that sucks.

4. “Don’t get hit by a train!” My grandpa told me that on my way out to his patio. My grandma told him to put the blankets in the trunk and the Chihuahuas on the couch. Ten minutes later, she notices the blankets are on the couch. The dogs were found in the trunk. He is getting old. I hope when I get senile I do funny shit. Thank God he is past the phase where he kept trying to shoot my grandmother in the face with an elephant gun while she was sleeping. Dogs in the trunk are a lot easier to deal with.

5. Another Grandpa story. My great-grandmother started sneezing in rapid succession. After about the third sneeze, my grandfather screamed, “GODDAMIT! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! GODDAMMIT, SHUT UP!!” because he thought his dogs were barking. My great-grandmother started crying. Don’t feel bad though. She cries at least 17 times an hour.

6. I am hormonal today and I know this because I am convinced that my boyfriend is cheating on me, I am about to get fired, and that my belly fat has gotten so insanely huge and behemothic that it has formed its own personality and full set of choppers and devours things when I am not looking like my Rand McNally Map of the World, three pounds of bacon and an old bandaid. People should be extra nice to me today. Especially my boyfriend. It’s one of those I Deserve Days. I deserve flowers today and if he doesn’t read my mind and send them to me today, that means he hates me. I NEED FLOWERS, people!! Is that too much to ask?? Jamus Christ. Remember when I was nice to you that one time? It doesn’t come without a price, Buddy. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Is it my thighs?? I knew it!

7. If you are going to be an asshole driver, please be sure that your phone number is not printed all over your ugly paint job as I will call you or whomever it belongs to and give you something to think about before next time when you go cutting off and cursing out innocent sweet fucking women on the highway. Jerkface. 281.586.7793

22 Comments:

Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:01 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

i am sure even kate moss feels like a bloated cow every now and then. but thanks for eating the candy bar. was it chocolate? do they make non-chocolate candybars? payday! but wait, is that a candybar or a peanut stick? i want candy. i don't even like chocolate all that much and if it were up to me, i'd take down a 5 lb. Snickers. do they even make 5 lb. Snickers bars? They should. So that hormonal girls everywhere can eat them and then hate themselves soon afterwards because they just made their bellies more distendeder.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Your grandpa is rridiculous and entertaining. Let's just hope the puppies don't make it in the fridge or something like that.
Oy-- do I know about a fat day. Luckily, I have wrap dresses and they make everything better ebcause they always fit.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Barney Pickle said...

Crystal, your a Hottie..

10:56 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

clearlykels - the wrap dress is a great invention!!! i wish you woulda been around when i was getting dressed this morning.

barney - that's the ticket! now, will you please teach my boy how to do that?

average - and another thing...why do you put "tan" in quotation marks? are you making fun of my tan? why you gotta make fun of me? what did i ever do to you? huh? is it my misshapen teet? is it??

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kevin Audette
5959 W 1960
Houston, TX 77069
281-586-7793

Preferred Pump & Equipment, LP
http://www.preferredpump.com
1213 E Richey Road
Houston, TX 77076
Phone: 281-209-1601
Fax: 281-209-1614
kaudette@preferredpump.com

1:25 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

holy crap anonymous!!!
you are a fucking supersleuth!!!

1:28 PM  
Blogger j-me said...

maybe i invited you to dinner on a not-so-good nite? j/k maybe it will lighten you up!! champagne for dessert!

2:25 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

j-me - i can't wait for dinner! i just got finished eating some crackers i found in my desk along with some mustard packets. how's that for gourmet? anyhow! thanks for inviting us! looking forward to it!

2:55 PM  
Anonymous se7en said...

Behomithic, I like that word... stolen! hehe

Grandfolks are good for hours and hours of amusement! Almost better than tv!

I think I'm going to spam mr annoymouse with a load of faxes hehehe

8:14 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

When I was 14 my grandmother thought that my brother and I were holding my sister hostage in the basement. Grandma was really entertaining to have living with us.

Crystal, is Ryan developing ulcers from your hormone trips? You just need to masturbate.

12:30 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

I remember when Rosie used to be relevant. Sad really.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Owen Hansen said...

I made my wife come and read your blog as it seems you two often seem the same person. That your cycles should coincide is strangely irritating to me in a funny way. Mary says, "Well obviously she's a capricorn. And, she's beautiful."

She also raced off to Rosie's site and after an unseemly amount of time there started acting really weird.

"What the hell is the matter with you," I asked.

She yells, thick and aggresive "I'M CHANNELING ROSIE!!! IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STARE AT HER BLOG TOO LONG. I'M A..." She continued in that vein--funny, but more cruel than I want to write.

So, thanks a lot.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:46 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Rosie's blog gave me a headache. It seems only children comment on her site.

You are gorgeous, hormones and all.

I feel left out. My GP's died before they were funny, except my GGF, but he was just drunk.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

thx 4 posting this!!!!!!!
U ROCK!
LOL :) :P :^) (*) Y(*&#(HFEH(#OP

It makes me want to climb up something really tall and fling myself to the craggy depths below.

....and, I can't wait until I'm old. Then I will be a dirty old man, instead of my current status of just a dirty man.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Ha ha ha! You are very funny! I am so glad I randomly stumbled across your blog! And your title gives me bad flashbacks of the many women I've dated who've "let me down easy" by explaing that "It's not you, it's me." Oh, and the other breakup line I've heard too often is, "Let's just be friends."

11:43 PM  
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

I'm STILL laughing about the blankets/chihuahuas/couch/trunk mixup. You can't make that shit up.

And I agree, I hope that when I get old and senile I do funny shit like that, and not just become a tourette's-ish racist who yells at every black person she sees (like my great grandmother).

8:39 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

se7en - i actually got a very polite voicemail from him asking me what he did to piss me off. maybe i called the wrong person! the guilt sets in...

the grunt - ah ha! giving me a dose of my own advice. and i think you're right. i just have to buy a new car battery first.

thomas - you're commenting on my blog? shouldn't you be out defending criminals? :) when you coming home?

owen - lol getting double teamed isn't quite as exciting as it sounds in the beginning, no? great minds, mary. great minds.

average - "pictures you took when you'd had too much tequila last year ". ??? the heck are those? did i get drunk and post again and then not remember? i do that often, but always take them down in the morning. or were you on another site?

nib - drunk can be funny too. i watched my friend's dad get loaded and sleepily lift a couch cushion to pee under it and then he put the cushion back down. hey, at least he put the seat back down. apparently some woman has him trained very well!

neal - believe me, you're dirty enough to make up for the whole old part. ;)

scott - we can be assholes. as jay said, "there is one bitch in this world...one bitch with many faces"

jege - which is always funny too unless the people that she is spewing slurs at are standing in line next to you at the grocery store.

10:48 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

I think you should give your Grandpa the info for that pump guy, along with a good background story about how much he likes elephant guns.

1:34 PM  
Blogger Princess Banter said...

I've been hormonal all week too -- I was an utter nightmare to be with. I gorged on KFC and I will probably regret doing so in a few days. However, it felt ultimately satisfying...

9:27 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

doesn't being hormonal SUCK..I mean really being irrational is just not fair expecially when deep down we know its irrational.

Take care!!

10:33 PM  

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