Monday, July 30, 2007

Fug Face and Girly Shit

1. I hate getting tagged so I am going to cheat and use my most recent post. Haha in yo face. The only reason I am even doing it is because you have some crazy shit going on with your lymph nodes right now and I am not going to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty because I didn't grant a sick kid's wish for me to do a meme. And we all know you're sick. Very, very sick. Especially for a Mormon. Ok...here we go. I am using that as 1.

2. So I am going on vacation this week. Going to spend some days getting drunk and peeing in the river.

3. Remember this? I got some self tanner for my face. I just applied it and I am terrified that my head will resemble a black person and my body will still be cracker. I'll let you know in the morning. I am going to be That Girl and everybody is going to be all, Hey, you have brown shit all over your face like I am not already going to know like how people always have to point out that you have a huge zit right in the middle of your forehead all is that a third eyeba-ohhhh, hey you have a HUGE ZIT right there. Gee, thanks for fucking telling me because I didn't spend all morning squeezing the fucker and coating it in enormous amounts of Dermablend. I am afraid I will wake up to this guy in the mirror. Wish me luck.

4. Conversation with Mom

Mom: You look so pretty.

Me: You're just saying that because I will wear a dress for more than 30 minutes and I don't strip it off as soon as you put me in the car. Right?

Mom: Yeah. I guess you are right. There is only one thing that would make you prettier.

Me: What's that?

Mom: If you wore a bonnet.

The thing is...she was probably totally serious. She has been trying to get me to wear a bonnet for 28 years.

5. Since somebody shared his sack with the world, he expects all the women he knows to show him their dirty bits. Here you go, Neal. That's the dirtiest I get.

6. I am a straw HOARder. I have approximately 86 straws in my desk drawer. Every time I get lunch, I grab a bunch of straws because, really, I do NOT want to think about what would happen if I could not drink my fucking Diet Coke with a straw and neither do you. What? Sit down. Don't look at me.

7. Know what gets on my nerves? Foreign guys that make up reasons to talk to you so that you can tell they are foreign and of course American women would all just hit that shit. But you know what? I can't understand you! Well, I can understand most people but not Scottish people and especially if they are drunk. And I KNOW you were making up a reason to talk to me so I could hear your accent because you asked me directions and then you went the opposite way. At least I think you asked me directions. I thought you were leaving but then when I was dancing to Regulators: We Regulate Any Steal in The Business, you came inbetween me and my friends and started dancing like a Disco Queen. Know what I did notice though? Your friend was Australian and I presumed he was Scottish too so I couldn't understand him either until he told me he was Australian and then I was all Ohhhhhhh. And I understood every word after that. Not that accents aren't hot, but douchebags come in all flavors.

8. I refuse to tag. So there.

19 Comments:

Blogger Photogirl said...

I just hope you applied it evenly, otherwise you'll look like a zebra. "What are those brown stripes on your face Crystal?"

10:19 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I just tagged your brown, bonnet wearing ass. You'll have to visit my blog to find out what in the hell I've got you into. Sorry.

1:06 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

Do you ever feel like you are coming in in the middle of the conversation and thus struggle to keep up? Story of my life.

2:03 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

I'd pay big money to see you in a bonnet. Ok, figurativly.

4:56 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Do you own a bonnet? That might just've opened a whole other can of worms.

6:02 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Please don't wear the bonnet. It will set women's rights back two hundred years. Have a great Vay Kay.

6:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But she'd look so HOT in a bonnet. If she wears it it's not setting back civil rights, but allowing her to exercise her rights as a free individual to wear whatever she wants.

However, I respect your opinion Goldennib.

HB

7:29 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

You know you want to wear that bonnet and churn some butter. Oh yeah, baby, work the shaft.

7:32 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

You should go and get the biggest, ugliest bonnet you can find and then wear it at the next family gathering, telling everyone your mom picked it out. Then they'll all make fun of her for the monstrosity on your head. And I can almost guarantee she'll leave you alone after that.

7:42 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

i'm confused... is it a bonnet and a dress, or a bonnet and no dress once you rip it off in the car.

either way, i'm thinking we're all winners in this equation.

or did i miss something?

;)
B

8:29 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I once applied oodles of fake tan to my torso, upper arms, feet, buttocks and thighs. so it would look like an inverted farmer's tan. Then I walked around trying to convince people I was a Puerto Rican who had been locked in a closet so long that the darkness faded my exposed skin.

I was going to type more but I just want to keep saying "buttocks and thighs" over and over

8:48 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

Why would you forfeit all the choice perks avoided to white people? They may not let you into our club if you put too much of that stuff on.

8:49 AM  
Blogger NiolK said...

Aw what a scam. Gettin my hopes up for a gander at your lamps.

Ugh I hate feet. Not that your foot isn't lovely, I'm just not a foot bloke.

Though I did give someone a toejob once and didn't line their toes with vomit.

PS - I like Ryan's idea, but if I was doin it I'd just tan around my eyes in the shape of a pair o' shades.

1:35 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Hahahaha! You just fulfilled your community service with this post, Chica. Now you get to take off that electronic ankle bracelet.

Have fun on your vacation.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

I thought you were talking about me, but once I realized it was Niolk you meant, it was all ok.

9:12 PM  
Blogger NiolK said...

This t-shirt is SO you.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

so. the revelations about your mother in the post cleared lotsa stuff up. it's hereditary, huh?

2:24 PM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

my rule:
if they say "och" and "lassie", they're scots.
if they hit every "T" like a cymbal player doing john philip souza, they're irish.
if they say "faith 'n' begorrah", they're americans pretending to be irish.
if they're polite and a little smug at the same time, they're canadian.
if they get drunk and puke on your lawn, they're aussies.
hope this helps.

1:43 AM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I'm glad you don't fall for that accent bullshit. Although I am practicing a fake French accent.

12:19 PM  

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