Thursday, April 03, 2008

As I bail through the empty halls....

I a myspace freak. A myspace freak. I spend a healthy amount of time on this website and I think it is less about connecting with my friends and more about the fact that I am a 12 year old stuck in an old woman’s body. Yes, I still am a sweaty embarrassed mess when I buy maxi pads and my fantasies rarely go further than holding hands with the spiky haired kid from Earnest Goes to Camp. Even though I am active in the myspace community, I only accept friend requests from people I actually know or would sleep with or porn stars or basically anyone who shows any kind of interest in me. The majority of the time, I get friend requests from people like (NATE):, whom I am dying to know because I, too, am a punctuation, whore.! And the fact that he only fucks with tha best makes me feel better because his standards must be very high. I mean, look at those muscles!

I also got a friend request from TuPac only he is masquerading as a guy named Chris from San Jose. As my friend Kat would say, Don’t be jelly. The most important thing to remember in this situation is that TuPac care if don’t nobody else care.

My family went to ride roller coasters in San Antonio and my mom found this at the house we were renting.

I can’t even think of anything to say except for wow, I absolutely cannot wait to have children.

My Bubbles (See #4) finally came in. The picture on the left is my natural psuedoass and the picture on the right is my new and improved ass only it just really makes my hips looks bigger. Anyhow, I put them on discreetly and then went to subtly throw myself over desks and flash my ass in front of the faces of every wienered person I could find which, well, only wound up being Ryan. My world came crashing down and my secret came hurdling out when he slapped my ass only to hear a hollow thud and the he WTFed me. I now have a full percussion section on my ass. Life of the party, I say. Life of the party.

And guess what else??? I am growin a muhfukn pumpkin!!!


Blogger bronxbt said...

first of all... hai!

second, awesome myspace shots... my goodness i've seen some funneh ones come through my inbox too. i don't use chat tho... would you even talk to meh' if i did? :)

third - my gosh what a profile dearest. i need to go huddle inna fetal position now and well... wish i was there.

fourth - HAH HAHH to the butt pic. moles rule. especially when you can play connect the dots. i once connected some on a girlfriends back with a sharpy and it was a mule. what did that say, eh?

lurve you, and thanks for the laughs, "whoas" (wif' yer profile ass shots) and found art.



8:34 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

I've given up myspace-- I'm now all about facebook.

That's one fine ass, my dear!

Yay! Growing things. I have freaking spice garden in my kitchen. I love it.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Just Jamie said...

Your ass is totally hot! But I want to see what that thing looks like w/out the jeans, not your ass, the thing that makes it more "bubbly". hahaha

Your new profile pic, startling...

12:18 PM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

If ya don't fuck Nate, can I have him? He's just the kind of guy I'm looking to fill me with his seed.

Er, and we should like totally be friends on myspace. For realsies.

That drawing of Marshall's moles and hairy butt is priceless. You need to send it to Found! magazine.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

bronx - hai yersef! i don't chat! my work banned gmail chat after i used it to incessantly bug the crap out of every person i knew for three days straight and by the time i get home, i don't even want to look at a computer! lol at connecting dots. my face would be an entire farm.

kels - facebook is too smart for me. i don't get it. and everytime i go someone is throwing stuff at me. plus everyone can see my business and i like to roll on the down low.

jamie - oh. it is VERY HOT. and by very hot, i mean incredibly unattractive unless you have a grandmother fetish, then i suppose you would like the full coverage. i will show you if you come over saturday.

pants - i did submit it to found! great minds man. here is my myspace ID:

MOM - see? see what i just said to pants??? "Hi. I'm Crysti. Would you like to be my friend?"

12:46 PM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Nice! I love Found!!

1:32 PM  
Blogger j-me said...

be careful with that pumpkin you're growing. a word to the wise...they grow and spread wildly. i know because i had to take care of my ex-boyfriends pumpkins he planted in the back yard of his rent house in college while he was interning one summer. one week, they're cute little pumpkin buds. the next week, the ENTIRE back yard was INFESTED with pumpkins, vines, leaves and the like. that jiffy cup won't contain the maddness.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

Yeah you're growing a pumpkin, in your pants.

4:32 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

That drawing had me cracking up because my 44-year-old brother draws little scribblings that aren't that far removed from it in terms of sophistication.

Are you trying to start another "Ass Off"?

9:36 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

That profile pic is frighteningly sexy.

I used to do myspace, but I do facebook now.

9:53 PM  
Blogger heatherfeather said...

After reading j-me's comment I will have nightmares about pumpkin infestations.

and at least the bubbles provided a thunk which is almost like a gadunkadunk.

6:50 AM  
Blogger Barry said...

Now THAT is funny, I don't care who you are!

5:30 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

The only difference in your ass pictures that I can see is that your pants poke out more from your skin in the one where you are wearing the bongo drums.

That was a very long sentence. Whew.

1:53 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

Crystal, if there was only one thing that I ever thought about you, it was that your ass didn't need any help. Give those to a poor ass-less guy on the street or something.

8:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ekki - i know. i should change my face first. but that cost a lot more than buttpads.

5:21 PM  

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