Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hi there.

1. I have already posted about my passion for toilets so I don’t need to go into how much I bitterly hate people who use their urethra like a lawn sprinkler. Come on ladies, it isn’t like we have wieners that get away from us when we aren’t paying attention. So I went to use the facilities at work the other day and I ran into this

I was so pissed, I whipped out my phone and started to take a picture when another woman came in and busted me. I bet she thinks I did it now. I bet she told everyone at the office that I was the one who had Wipefest 2009 in the ladies bathroom. The lady at the next cube to me was making farting noises, which I assume is a form of passive-aggressive taunting. So now, I have to find a way to prove to everyone that the mess made in the bathroom was not mine. I have a really hard life, y’all. This isn’t fair.

2. Lately, I have seen an abundance of nutsacks hanging from trucks. I am all for the balls, but this is a little too much. I am pretty sure this only happens in places like Texas and maybe Arkansas and Louisiana and maybe a bit in Oklahoma oh and some parts of Alabama. Do they think they are better than me??? Is that what it is??? Because I have not assigned gender to my vehicle in the form of bright blue plastic ballsbags??? When I see it, I get angry and pull up next to them and scream “I’m gonna kick your ass, you son of a bitch!” I have to quit doing that though because now I am in a company truck and I saw this girl write down my license plate number. However, if I do get fired for this, it will be well worth it.


Blogger JL said...

LOL- I hope you left that sign up...
As for the balls- I've only seen a few here in Cali (on vehicles, I mean), and I would never pull up and yell at them for the fear of being shot at or followed to my destination and being stabbed in the Safeway parking lot.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

dude that would be a terrible way to the safeway parking lot. maybe i should start watching myself.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Lindsey said...

Why blue balls? At least make them gold balls or flesh colored balls! Id be temped to yell comments about the statements they are making.

For example, "Jesus Christ! Ever heard of masturbation?"

12:15 PM  
Blogger jaime said...

There is someone at my workplace who pees *all over* the seat. Copious amounts. They don't even bother to put down toilet paper. I don't think she even bothers to sit down, just stands above the pot and lets go!

12:23 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

In an attempt to personalize their trucks, it's not surprising that we're seeing so many dangling balls. But what do lesbians hang from the back of their trucks? Tattered beaver pelts?

12:39 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Ya think I could get away with hanging a pair of those on my cubicle?

2:34 PM  
Blogger acousticblinding said...

Balls on a truck are lame-o. Now if they were on a 91 Yugo, that's making a statement. And I feel ya on the bathroom thing. Guys at my work completely ignore the Unwritten Man Rule - Thou Shall Courtesy Flush.

3:42 PM  
Blogger the projectivist said...

you could one-up those dangling balls with a giant dildo.
just think how impressed they'd be!

4:43 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

i like when you blog.

5:53 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

A large, plastic rendering of a cow's vagina plastered on the tailgate would shut these truck owners up.

We've got them here too.

11:37 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

I agree that you need some sort of fake vagina/meat curtains dangling from the back of your truck. That is your homework assignment.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

Crystal, do I need to remind you what happens when you taunt people in traffic in Houston?

7:00 AM  
Blogger Huw said...

I listen to the ladies I work with speculating on the identity of the phantom logger who shares their toilet. It creeps me out.

At least they don't show me photos though.

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should attach a huge pair of knockers to your trunk. That'll show those blue-balled bastards!

...or they'll fondle your trunk. But it would make for a great blog post if you caught them doing it on camera.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Truck balls are the new Calvin pissing on something. They are nature's way of letting you know that person can't think for themselves.

5:18 AM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I ran into a truck with big streamlined flames on the side, and a big fat nutsac underneath a few years ago, on my way to Jackson, CA. I was so astounded that anyone would have the, well, you know, to do that,that I told everyone I ran into on the way to Jackson about it.

Almost everyone just nodded and said, "Oh yeah, that's common out here".

9:00 AM  
Anonymous reporter666 said...

I think these are funny, whether puttin truck nuts on your ride OR looking for

I’ve got some funny pics and articles at my blog if you’d like to take a peek

4:32 PM  

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