Thursday, February 04, 2010


I got a voicemail from a friend today. I really need to figure out how to extract them so I can play them for you. I will have to color my words (nice descriptive words, Crystal! Thanks, dude!) so you can get a better feel for it. She sounded rushed and quiet and I could tell she was totally groping the phone with her mouth. I wouldn't be surprised if her kids come out with curly cords and downloadable weather apps. Anyhow, this is what she said:

Oh my God, Crystal. Why can't you ever pick up the phone when I need you??? I just farted so loud that everyone near my office heard it. You're never there for me. What the fuck???

And then she dramatically hung the phone up. Dude, passing gas at work is the best. I sit in a cubicle, so I know all about it. And it never fails that someone is going to walk in immediately after you do it and you have no one to blame it on. The friend I just talked about keeps spray in her office so at least people will be like, "MMmmmmm is that Bath and Body Works new scent? It's a lovely plumeria scent with lots of farm undertones in it." It is hard to camouflage, dude.

My most embarrassing experience at work happened here. I have to say that I am pretty proud of myself because I totally put my embarrassment aside to get the job done.

I will admit that one of my biggest fears is experiencing the sneeze/poot combo when I am in a meeting. It will happen eventually, I am sure of it.

My great grandma can't hear so she just lets it go mid conversation and pretends that she didn't just ruin our senses for the rest of the day. Just because you can't hear doesn't mean we can't hear, Grandma! GOD! or smell for that matter. My friend says that old people know what they are doing and do it on purpose. Like they have some evil plan to make us change their pants. Initially, I must say that I was like, "No freaking way. That is embarrassing." but then after I thought about it, I decided that wiping my ass is a chore I may actually not mind having off my plate. I can't wait to have grandkids. It will be lovely!


Blogger Stephanepanie said...

Thank you, Crystal. As if people don't know who you are talking about. Like you have other friends or something. Anyway, I am going to fart on you the next time I see you!

P.S. This month I have Japanese Cherry "Bomb" Blossom spray not Plumb-eria.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

That is not true! I have another friend! The happy baby guy is my friend!

So much for keeping your anonymity. Happy Baby very well could have left me a message.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Stephanepanie said...

Happy Baby was MY friend. He sang to me. We are soul mates. You can have Alan Jackson from Riverside. He was totally into you! Oh, you can also have Diaper Dash from CVS a few weeks ago...just don't ask me to drive you two on your first date.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

HAHAHA @ diaper dash "yo necisito diapers! yo necesito diapers!" he was a fucking load of laughs, that one. i am only making fun of him to get my $20 bucks worth. i am kind of impressed with our ability to befriend homeless drunks. i think that means we are good people.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I love this quote (I think I remember reading this a while back):

The person who called you immature was undoubtedly the one who farted.

That's a good philosophy on life. Projection, anybody?

And you are right, if you don't laugh at farts, there is something wrong with you.

10:36 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

One time when we were on a tour of the Queen Mary, The Ex farted as he walked up a long flight of steps. Not little ones, either, like really loud rippers for each and every one of those 30+ steps. The German tourists that were behind us fell back quite a bit, and I was surprised. I thought all Germans were in to that.

I would agree that farting is funny, but I dare you to survive the Spouse Sparrow's farts. He has IBS and a hernia, and they percolate for about a week, and are so fucking rank that I am always surprised that they didn't just burst out of him like the alien in that scene from "Alien."


You want a left-cheek sneak while in the office. Make sure you're on an upholstered chair and just hang half your ass off of there so that you have a clear passage way and then there's no sound. Also, Corn Nuts will cover up the smell of any fart far better than any air freshener or body spray. I learned all these valuable tips from a sales guy I had to share an office with.

5:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! Grammas and gas!

10:40 AM  
Blogger Stephanepanie said...

Oooo! Thank you Sparrow for the tips. I did have an upholstered chair but I apparently leaned the wrong way to squeeze it out (I didn't want it to get stuck in my vagina so I leaned way forward so it would roll up the ass crack on its way out). Anyway, my pants are a little tighter these days and instead of rolling out soundlessly, it was more like I took a piece of paper, folded it in half, licked it and blew. And then the stench kicked in...

12:04 PM  
Blogger lucentabella said...
you can set up a free voicemail account. Then you can access the audio file via the computer. You can even download them, share them on Facebook, and embed them in your blog! It's super easy to use and set. Plus, you can set up specific greetings for specific people. When my step mom calls, the outgoing message says something about a psychward and pressing one for drama, have someone press 2 if you're codependent, and so on. It rocks.

9:58 PM  
Blogger CheekyDani said...

Your Gran is a legend.

11:55 PM  

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