Sunday, October 25, 2009

Aaaaand that happened

I got lots of blogging to do. I got tagged twice! And I am going to knock it all out in the same post. BAM. It is what I do folks.

Amber D. said I am a Kreativ Blogger!!! I am supposed to write 7-10 facts about myself. I have done this one before here and here and here, where I have named 20 random/weird/quirky things about myself so I may come up short. It may be 5 or it may be 11 depending on how much thinking I can do this late. Besides, I like to walk the line. Exciting! Also, they may not all be about me. I have had a pretty eventful couple of weeks so you get stories. Ok, here we go...

1. I do not like clumpy things. I think it started back when I was researching something completely unrelated and this picture (or one similar) came up. It is debatable whether it is safe for work or not because technically, it is a very serious condition. On the other hand, it is a huge picture of an infected vagina. You decide. So it started there. Then, one time I was at the lake and Ryan's mom tried to kill this clumpy spider, but when she came down on it, all the clumps were actually babies and they all started freaking out and climbing everywhere. Ugh. Even when I see jewelry like this, I get pretty uncomfortable and I want to stomp on it or rub Valtrex on it.

2. Friday night, Steph and I went to a Halloween party at a bar. Our costumes had to be black and white so she was a witch and I was an 80's aerobics instructor. Steph has a voice that makes angels cry (in a good way, y'all) and so she got on stage and sang "Hit Me with Your Best Shot" while I got up there with her and did incredibly vigorous aerobics. I hear that I was such an amazing instructor because people in the crowd were doing aerobics with me!!! I didn't see them because I was too busy stretching and punching at the air. On the 16 measure break, Steph did them with me and then we marched in place for a few measures. At one point, this lady came up and was trying to dirty dance with me and I said to her, "NO! You have to do aerobics!" and she said, "Please just for a minute" and I said "NO!" and then punched the air some more.

3. Later, I noticed that the lady who tried dirty dancing with me was pregnant! I noticed this when the Humpty Dance came on and homegirl started grinding a chair. Her kid is gonna come out with plastic arms and cup-holders, I just know it. Grode. Please, if I ever get pregnant and decide to violently mount a stationary object, make sure my baby goes to a good home. I guess I should say if I try to violently mount a stationary object in public, then look to adopt my baby out. If I am in my bedroom, it is ok. For the real Halloween, I was going to go as myself when I was 5 in a homemade superhero outfit, but it isn't coming together as I would like it to so I may do the aerobics thing again only this time I am going to carry around a ribbon on a stick and a boom box like Get In Shape Girl.

4. Last weekend, Mom, Steph and I went to New York City to look at wedding dresses. We wound up dragging the very heterosexual, very masculine Ryan over at Sedated Gorilla all over the city and forcing him to shop with us. At Macy's, Steph and Mom went to the bathroom and Ryan and I went upstairs to make an appointment for me to try on bridal gowns. The lady behind the desk asked if he was my fiance and I said, "No, he is my gay" and she threw up her hands and said, "I should have known!" Ryan's face looked like this :/ and then she started talking about how she loved gays and how Sean Bean is loved by the gays and about how a guy that used to work there would try on dresses after they closed and how he looked better than the women and then Ryan, being a good sport and embracing his newfound gayness asked for his number. The lady said that Ryan is not his type as Ryan is a "straight-gay". I think he was about to kiss her. Hallelujah! You are a straight gay, Ryan!

5. We also went to the Museum of Sex! Holy Crap. I am going to have to do a whole nother post on that at some point, but I did learn about homosexual necrophelia in Mallard ducks. I am not even just trying to show off how many big words I know and how to pronounce and spell them. They have pictures of these acts! I bet my aunt's house would look a lot different had she known about this before she applied Mallard duck wallpaper to her entire living room. Also, did you know that dolphins do it in the blowhole?? Even more amazing is that I learned a new word for a dolphin vagina is genital slit! I know this is getting pretty gross, guys, but come on...let's find an ounce of maturity within ourselves to understand this as an educational lesson. Next post will be pictures of me and Steph laughing and pointing at a Bonobo chimps' huge hot pink balls.

6. I saw this youtube video on one of my good friends' facebook page and I can't stop watching it and laughing and saying "aaaaaand that happened" after everything that happens.

7. Know what is awesome about me? How resourceful and kreativ I really am.... I am using this thing about myself to explain that I am going to use SPM's tag as my number 7. Resourceful? Lazy? Resourceful.

SPM tagged me on this. You have to answer these questions with one word. I LOVE ADJECTIVES! This is going to be hard.

1. Where is your cell phone? dunno
2.Your hair? messy
3. Your mother? perfect
4. Your father? awesome
5. Your favorite food? taco
6. Your dream last night? SECKS!!!!
7. Your favorite drink? shiraz
8. Your dream/goal? happy
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? frottage
11. Your fear? clumps
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? living
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? smell like feet
15. Muffins? Bananas.
16. Wish list item? unicornhorn
17. Where did you grow up? Wharton
18. Last thing you did? laundry
19. What are you wearing? PJ's
20. Your TV? football
21. Your pets? BOGEY!!!
22. Friends? fanfuckingtabulous
23. Your life? ugh
24. Your mood? sleepy
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? smell like feet
27. Something you’re not wearing? rainbow
28. Your favorite store? H&M
29. Your favorite color? Personal
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? Thursday
33. One place that I go to over and over?
34. One person who emails me regularly? Steph
35. Favorite place to eat? Cucos!

I realize that I did not follow the rules the whole time, but I don't smell like feet and my truck does. It's a goddamn mystery how that happened.


Blogger Ed Adams said...

Glad you're back again.

Quit leaving.

6:03 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I was going to leave a comment defending my heterosexuality, but after accompanying 3 women shopping for wedding dresses I couldn't come up with a very strong case.

7:43 AM  
Blogger Jodey/Fat Chick Biker said...

I suppose there were days when I was pregnant that I wanted to hump a stationary object...but never, ever in public. She fails.

Ryan - you rock. Wedding dress shopping is hell. WIN.

Aaaand that happened...funny shit. That's exactly how I'd call a baseball game.

who does not hump stationary objects in public :P

8:06 AM  
Blogger Jay Ferris said...

I always knew that Ryan was my kind of gay. Now if only you could have convinced him to start blogging again.

1:22 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Yay! You survived the motorcycle!

With you on #1! "I think it started back when I was researching something completely unrelated" That's exactly how the Spouse Sparrow explains all these pictures on the hard drive.

Re: #3... "Please, if I ever get pregnant and decide to violently mount a stationary object, make sure my baby goes to a good home." We will. What? I read your blog regularly; I know it's gonna happen!

#5, Ducks are really into gang rape, too. Just visit your local pond and you'll see. A bit hard to explain to the kids, so do go before you spawn. And it's nice to know that it's not just human males that will stick their dipstick into whatever opening they can find. Wait, not really "nice," but interesting.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. I do not like clumpy things.
Had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I saw that pic.

I do not like clumpy things now either. I wanted to click on "OMG!!! CLOSE!!! X!!! WHATEVER MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!" but like a train wreck, I couldn't click the mouse.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Brandi said...

"I guess I should say if I try to violently mount a stationary object in public, then look to adopt my baby out. If I am in my bedroom, it is ok."
I didn't get it at first. When I did, literally 10 lines later, I laughed like a naughty schoolgirl.
And could you please never show me pictures of nasty vages again? Gag.

5:29 PM  
Blogger DayByDay4-2Day said...

YOu cracked me up... I like your blog

7:07 PM  

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