Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Love You Dad!

An email from pops:


Crysti,
Sure! I would always enjoy having lunch with you! First.....I trust your
judgment. If you think it is a good deal and you like it... you don't
need me to tell you different. How is the weather? Would it be better
for me to test drive it on a day that is not so stormy? The car looks great!!! Your
Mom would not let me have one like that. She would think that the only
reason an old man drives a car like that is to find young women. Besides
I would have to fall in and out of that car. I would like to drive it
when you think you want someone else to drive it. I am impressed. I am
also very proud of you.
Love Dad

This is quite an emotional email for the old man. Even when I tell him I love him, he gets all uncomfortable and starts shifting in his seat and says things like, "SOOO, D'ja get yer oil changed?" or "Whadaya feel like havin for dinner?"

So....I Did It

As soon as I walked in, I knew.

This was meant to be mine.

All I could think as I looked at it was...



I am going to get so much ass in this car.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Rant

As I’ve mentioned before, I do environmental and regulatory compliance for one of the biggest oil companies in the world. I get attacked about the cost of fuel on a regular basis. I am so tired of people crying about gas prices!

First – I cannot do anything about it. I am a peon. A peon with a great ass, but a peon nonetheless.

Second – I have received emails encouraging people to boycott certain gas companies to force a “Gas War”. I have one reaction to that: Hahahahahahahaha. As far as profit from gasoline, banks make all the money from that – very little goes into the pockets of oil companies. The company I work for makes most of its profits on the crude itself. If everyone in America boycotted our gas, it would not make a significant dent in profits. It would not force them to lower gas prices.

Third – It is a privilege to drive in this country – not a right. If you have such a huge problem with gas prices, don’t drive an SUV. Take the bus! Ride a bike! Carpool! You got feet. Use ‘em! There are so many other options, but Americans tend to take and take and take from the earth and not expect to pay for it and then cry about it. It’s time to shut up and switch your lifestyle. That’s the only way you will be able to make an impact on your life.

Ok, I am done. I feel better now. Don’t you?

Yep

So I am car shopping and I test drove this yesterday. I think I am in love. I would have to buy a used one because there is no way I can throw down that chunk of change on a car. I also test drove a MINI Cooper, but the TT totally kicked its ass. I want something very fast.
Any suggestions?


UPDATE: Denise said I should get something reliable. Sheesh. I'll have plenty of time for reliable when I have kids. I am going to tear it up now. Grunt, I am not waiting for those to come out. I am waaaaay too impatient. Look what I am going to test drive when I get off of work. Oh yes. Come to mama.









There is No Depth to My Shallowness

Ok, fellas. Today, we are going to talk about jeans. No tapers, ya hear? That is an immediate deal breaker. Also, if your jeans do not reach the sole of your shoe while you are standing, you will NOT be hitting this. High waters are unacceptable.

Just so you know.

Monday, May 29, 2006

The Date

So this is the boy that I went out with on Saturday night. He is pretty darn wonderful. He is an aerospace engineer for NASA and he used to play baseball for the St. Louis Cardinals. He is hilarious. He takes care of his business. He has muscles. Omg. We won't talk about that right now. He is from Brooklyn (never would have guessed that from the picture, eh?). Bill asked if he was a Gotti. And you all know that Texas girls are suckers for NY Gangsters with good eyebrow-grooming habits.

We went for sushi and then out to this bar called Prive. We stayed out until 4am. He's very easy to talk to. I can talk to him for 3 hours and it literally feels like 20 minutes has passed.

HOWEVER (There always has to be a however with you, Crystal!), he is looking for marriage. And me? Not so much. The thought of relationships literally makes me ill. Whatever happened to the good ol' days where it was just about Ding Dong Ditching? Why does every guy I meet want a relationship? Hmm? Hmm? I am at my experimental phase, fellas. Sheesh.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Too Good to be True?

As much as I stomp my feet and cross my arms across my chest and ward off men for one to two weeks, I always have to screw it up. I met a man, people. I know, I know. What's wrong wit you girl? I can't help it, ok? You need to join a convent. I would look damn good in a habit. Black is totally my color.

I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. What is it going to be this time? Step right up and take your guess, folks!

A) Engaged

B) Married

C) Has Herpes or the weird Cauliflower -looking STD

D) Stalker

E) All of the above

my last option doesn't really fit into a letter. Maybe he will just get me to fall in love with him so he can pimp me out for 50 bucks a pop.

it's a sayad day...

My Significant Auder's mom just passed away after a long battle with cancer.

I'm so sorry, Audrey. I love you.

SHHHEEEEWOOOOOO! This HNT's for you!



Really, I know it is the half naked picture of my car that you are interested in. I made sure to get the stick in for you.

:)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

jorean

jorean = jrow up

Yep...

G-Raye is moving to San Antonio. Boo. So last night we met up at a sports bar we used to frequent. There was a man there named Bill. Bill is a Vietnam Veteran who got shot in the foot and in the butt. He said he was running at the time. He was being chased by some [expletive] and he was all “Elbows and Asshole”. Bill sang us two songs. The first one I found to be quite sweet. It was called “Oh, Sh*t, Look at Dem T*ts”. The next one he sang, which is also referenced on G-Raye’s blog today was “Lululululucy has a pooooosy like a javelina hawg (oink oink)”. So I immediately asked him how he was able to make that comparison and he said with a face straighter than I have ever seen “I will NEVER f*ck another javelina hawg again”. Interesting night.

I am going to give the condensed version of the drama that ensued later that night. This guy tried to hit on me and his girl got mad and wanted to actually FIGHT me or at least bitch me out. Ok, lady. You should be yelling at your man. It’s never good to have a falling out with a woman who paints on her eyebrows and her husband with her name tattooed on his neck. Scary stuff. But I made it out alive to blog another day. Yay me.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Another email from a friend...

These are actually excerpts from a few different emails, but they crack my shit up, so I thought I'd share in hopes of cracking your shit up too.

"My relationship with my ex was a lot of work. I never once cheated on her, though. Though I did have a lot of sex with strange women when I was with her (and by "strange women" I mean hookers, and by "hookers" I mean cheap whores, and by "cheap whores" I of course mean young, taut, nubile men)."

"I love the fact that you can quote "Poison" at the drop of a hat. I've been blaring that song at home and at work. I am totally on board with your plan of making up a dance routine. Leap frog? F-ck yes there will be leap frog. You think I f-ck around with my dancing? Come on, Crystal, you should know me better than that. Once, I was in a dance-off at my law firm, and this f-cking homeslice fronts on me by dancing without a leap frog. I basically said to him, "Gary, you douchepump. Is that a joke? No leap frog? Seriously? I'm giving you a mulligan on this one. Start over, and at least put in a leap frog. No leap frog insults me; it's too easy for me to win. We don't have time to f-ck around on this one. You know there's a war going on in Iraq, right?"

"When I was a baby, I once had a temporary case of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), and it pretty much kicked me in the balls. I was able to walk it off, though."

You have to

READ THIS.

I nearly peed myself.

Back in the day...


Crystal - 20 pounds
I wonder if I'll ever get in that kind of shape again. It's amazing because my diet then consisted of cheeseburgers and beer. Doesn't work so much for me anymore. Dumb metabolism. You can suck it.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Ok. This girl has one of the funniest blogs I have seen. Plus, she is one of my very best friends.

In fact, I even wrote a poem for her. I also got commenters to participate in another Audrey poem.

Excerpt from an email conversation:

Crystal - Look at this email I got from [Mr. X]. I am tired of it. From now on, if a guy wants to sleep with me, he will first have to submit a 5 page writing sample for my review and approval. Crystal don't date bad spellers*.

G-Raye - HA – and you should also have him submit polaroids of his favorite outfits….short jean shorts and man sandals are so not acceptable. Also, on the Not Ok List are shirts with flames on them, woven belts, loafers (On my list – Aud thinks they are fine), black socks with shorts, and swim trunks as everyday wear (Ant does this…I effing hate it. He will wear swim trunks everywhere he goes. He’ll even wear them with vans and white socks. White socks that aren’t even the same. One will have a “W” on it, while the other will have a red stripe. Sometimes I don’t walk down the aisle with him while at the $.99 store because I don’t want people to know we are together.)

*Just so you guys don't think I have a stick up my ass - I don't mind an occasional mistake/typo here and there. However, having more spelling mistakes than words there are in the email is absolutely unacceptable. Besides, if you weren't so incredibly annoying (aside from the spelling & grammatical trainwrecks), then maybe it wouldn't matter. Just sayin'.

Death Cab for Cutie

Sometimes I forget how much I like them.

This song especially.

Note to fellas with guitars - this song will get you ass.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Thanks Nep.

Steph has this posted on her blog. I can't eat peaches anymore, but it's well worth it.

It's true

My week.

Tuesday - Went to the doctor for a physical. Got a lecture about safe sex (don't know why). I have always wanted to be called a dirty whore - but in the bedroom - not in the dr.'s office. I guess she was having a bad day. Maybe she needs to get laid.

Wednesday - Physical clear. See old lady? I am a good girl, dammit.

Thursday - Elevator tried to eat me.

Friday AM - My finger got in a huge fight with an industrial stapler and lost so, instead of saying what I would normally say in a situation like this, I screamed "GEEEEEE! FFFUUUUHHHHH. SHHHHHHHH!" and got a weird look from a Big Dude that said Who hired the retard?

Friday PM - Went to the doctor again. Got the strep throat. I'm surprised she didn't imply I got it from playing the skin flute. I am convinced that it was all part of Stephanie's scheme to not have to spend the weekend quarantined in this big ol' house (she's housesitting - well, we're housesitting now). So we got food from Central Market and watched Office Space.

Saturday AM - Went to Randall's. The lady at the register said, "Ooooooo girl, you looks like Punky Brewster. You just need some pigtails. Hey, Sharmita! Look at this girl! Don't she look like Punky Brewster?"
Sharmita: "MmmmmHmmmm"

Saturday PM....well....this is what happened Saturday PM:


Friday, May 19, 2006

HF

In all the cutting and pasting I did to add these blogs, I accidentally cut Heather's and she is one of my favorites! I was confused to see Sniff from her and then I looked and found that her name was not on the list! Wtf. So I added it immediately and waived her $8 charge.

Thanks Ekki

Ekki taught me how to add links to blogs. ----------------->

Well, actually she did it for me because I am technologically defunct.

All hail Ekki Queen of the Computers.

Nocturnal Confessions

I never have good dreams of the raunchy variety. If I am being intimate with someone in a dream, it’s usually someone like Roseanne Barr or Al Sharpton and apparently I am all enjoying the heck out of it in my dream and then I wake up and realize what went down and exfoliate my entire body with rock salt and bathe in bleach and then sit in the bottom of the shower and cry for 3 hours trying desperately to erase the image of Mr. Sharpton in crotchless pantyhose. However, last night I had a dream with this guy (a fellow blogger of all people!) in it. By the way, his facial expression never changed from the one shown in the picture. Freaks me out when I think back to it, but I am just happy because I finally got to do it with a hot guy. The deed took place in a big red Ford F-250 in a cotton field somewhere in South Texas - how country am I! But then, I found out that my friend had a crush on him and so I lied and said we didn’t do anything and then she found out and left me on the side of the highway with no money for tolls. Wtf.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Sick

Ok, so who here knows something about being contagious? I am asking because Stephanie has full-blown strep throat today. She was just coming down with it last night. We slept in the same bed. Don't be dirty. There was no touching involved. I am starting to feel a little cruddy. She just called and wants me to come hang out with her. Should I go? I mean, if I have it, I have it and I may as well get over it. Or is there a chance if I pump myself full of Vitamin C and get some rest that I will be able to dodge it? Hep me out. Hep me out.

3 o'clock skittles break

so i went down to the 8th floor to get my skittles and passed a conference room where people were donating plasma and it smelled like bandaids.

bandaids are my favorite smells.

the bathroom at my doctor's office uses soap that smells like bandaids and i always wash my hands there even if i don't need to. then i smell them for the rest of the day.

yum. i bet bandaids would taste good if they weren't so sticky.

Bleh

So I have an addiction. I can’t stop. It’s part of the reason I haven’t blogged in a few days. Another reason is because I have been so stressed out that my spleen has actually grown teeth and is gnawing away at my liver as I type. So feel special that I am posting today dammit. So this addiction…it’s pretty effing pathetic. It’s called Gin Rummy. My friend, Steph, and I cannot get enough. We start playing when we get off of work and don’t stop until one or two in the morning. We sit outside usually so we can cat call any men that happen to walk by. It makes us feel normal even though our hygiene has gone totally downhill and we smell like we are operating a chopped onions factory. Plus, it’s the only possibility we have of meeting actual men. Good freaking luck, right? That’s ok. Because I have decided to take a sabbatical from all things phallic for at least a good week and a half to two weeks.

So Tuesday we were in the middle of the game when the FECKING WIND blew our game all to hell. We decided to go in and when we tried to open the window, we noticed several bees. So Steph and I armed ourselves with flip-flops and started smashing them. One got mad and attacked Stephanie and stung her on the ear. It was probably the funniest thing I have seen all year. I know it hurt and blahblahblah, but damn did I have a good laugh. She started calling people to find out how to make it stop hurting and got the following suggestions:

Kevin: Tylenol and ice
Rafa: No, not Tylenol. Benadryl and Alieve.
Daryl: Put some sperm on it.

Seeing as how we had no sperm lying around, or medicine for that matter, we just resumed our game. Well, yesterday, her ear doubled in size and turned dark purple and her throat got swollen and she has a temperature. I really hope she doesn’t die. That would totally ruin my plans for the weekend.

Monday, May 15, 2006

p.a.r.t.y.

it was wonderful to see ekki! she rocks the house. i can't wait for her to visit me. this particular party was a no-alcohol-but-all-the-sugar-you-could-shove-in-your-face party. ekki was the only person i knew and she did a wonderful job of making me feel welcome, but

Crystal + Strangers - Alcohol (+ sugar) = Shy Bumbling Idiot

So a lot of the time I stared at my lap or tried to make conversation with a dog that was only interested in getting his ass scratched.

I got to meet Markis, who is actually a very nice boy. He gave Ekki a very sweet present for her birthday and scared the crap out of some poor cat.

Roxie didn't show and neither did Thomas....hmmmmmm, where were you guys? Being naughty, I hope. Probably not though, considering Thomas' daddy is under the weather. Have I ever mentioned what a complete Badass Thomas' dad is? He is awesome. And his brother can tell you any fact about Chuck Norris that you would ever need to know. Good people.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Guess What I Am Doing This Weekend?

So I made friends with this girl , Ekki, when I became her neighbor in college. She moved to Austin and I moved to Houston. In Austin, she moved next to this boy, Markis. She is also friends with this girl, Roxie. So Ekki is having a party this weekend. Woowoo! Of course, I will not be missing that. I am bringing Thomas with me. It's going to be interesting. Hopefully I will be able to communicate with them without typing on the imaginary keyboard infront of me.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Today = Suck

I talked to Brendan's father yesterday on the telephone. I heard (I'm assuming) Brendan's new girlfriend laughing with his mother in the background and my heart sank.

Crystal = Sad

I don't even want Brendan. I didn't know until we broke up how men were supposed to behave. I had never experienced passion before.

Brendan = Wet Noodle

Maybe it is because I am still dealing with the rejection which was so neatly tucked away in some corner of my dumb heart. I thought I was over it.

Crystal = Denial

I don't want him back. Ever. I know better now. I would rather be alone. I would rather have his nose filled with pennies than a wheelbarrow full of quarters. He's not a very nice person.

Brendan = Assface

However, I miss his family like crazy! And they are off with his new girlfriend talking and laughing and loving each other.

Crystal = Jealous

That was supposed to be my family and I've lost them forever.

Crystal = Heartbroken

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Oh, so that's what it takes...

I have been having hell getting this Branch Manager to call me back at Prosperity Bank. She has dicked me around for a month, telling me that she didn't know if the surgery loan I applied for would be approved* and I still haven't received my dumb debit card (which is the key to my financial stability) that I reported lost on March 27th. I have called in the morning, I have called in the afternoon and in the evening. I have left urgent messages. I have even threatened to take my account away and she has yet to return a phone call. She did, however, get one of her employees to call and do it for her. Poor lady.

Crystal: You mean to tell me that she had YOU call because she didn't want me yelling at HER? I thought she had poor customer service skills, but this really says something about her managerial skills as well. I find it incredibly funny that I can come in to apply for a loan and she will inundate me with stories for my my entire lunch hour about her heavy periods due to her fibroid cysts and how she is fasting because God wants us to (apparently God wants us to purchase carrot juice from some website and drink only that very carrot juice for 3 weeks at a time) and how I should do it too, but she cannot call me back to talk about my account?!
Poor Lady: Teehee. She told you about her period too?

So I wrote a letter. I did not include the "I just soaked through 3 Super-Plus Tampax in an hour" or the whole bit about purchasing the Jesus Juice and drinking broccoli smoothies so I can go to Heaven because, come on, that is just embarassing. Everyone at the branch I was dealing with conveniently "forgot" who her boss was, so I faxed the letter to the President of all of their branches in the Houston area.

Guess who just called? I told her I was busy.


*Ham approved my loan over the phone in less than 5 minutes.

Another Email From a Friend...

"Where life leads me, I will follow. If that means that I marry a Wiccan with genital warts,so be it. I just want peace, love, joy, happiness,and a little understanding."




I think we are all in search of a Wiccan with genital warts.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Chances Are...

I was in a terrible mood yesterday when I left work. Bill talked me into going to El Pueblito (we'd actually met Matthew & Jeff there the night before and it kicked so much ass, I decided to take Bill) to get my mind off of everything. We had a good dinner. Bill is fun to hang out with - I feel like we get each other. So we started talking about the gay scene in Houston and he decided he was going to expose me to Chances. <---- Click on the link and look in the background of the picture. Contrary to what your eyes may have you think, those are all women. This was just what I needed. I am not attracted to women, but it felt nice to get eyeballed by some of them. Is that bad?

Monday, May 08, 2006

I Am An Angry Elf

This post is not going to be cute or funny or lighthearted and if you have a problem with that, well, then you can just suck it. Maybe it's because I haven't taken my meds in a few days or maybe it's because I didn't drink this weekend or maybe it's because people are FRICKIN IDIOTS. These are the people I am referring to:

1. Sprint Cell Phone People - I love you, Ham, and you are no longer with Sprint so this doesn't apply to you. In the past month, my phone has been cut off three times for reasons which were not my fault at all. Each of the three times, I have been transferred around to at the very minimum 3 people and have been hung up on at least twice. I've been told "Remember! Your statement is due on the 31st. you could avoid getting your service cut off if you would pay your bill". Thing is, I have so much credit on my bill from them screwing up that I will not be having a Sprint bill for the next three months. I have spent 1.5 hours on the phone each time explaining the situation over and over to people who probably can't wipe their own ass much less do their job. Effing DBs.

2. Prosperity Bank People - Eff you Prosperity Bank. I am not even going to go into the ways you have hi-jacked my life for the past month and a half, while I have chased your branch manager around desperately trying to get her to call me back. Today I called and left yet another message with the secretary that went something like this:

Admin: May I ask who is calling?
Me: No. Because she won't come to the phone.
Admin: Oh, hang on. DooDooDooCrappyMusicDooDooDoo She is busy right now. Can you hold for 3 minutes?
Me: No, please have her call me back immediately or I will be closing my account with this bank on Wednesday.

Did I get a call back? Of course not.

3. Boys. I have written a letter to boys.

Dear Boys,

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Crystal

The Root of All Evil

hnm (because i am a rebel like that)
and because Neal asked
and because legs this white
need to be recorded
so maybe one day
i will win a freaking prize
of some sort.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Meme

Ok, so I got bored and filled this out. It is from Markis, who got it from Keda.

This Whole Fat Thing

I am not one to talk about my body negatively (aside from blaming every bad experience in my life on my thighs). Not that I am impressed with my body. But why call attention to the love handles and the hail damage? I could understand if I was always, "I'm such a heifer blahblahblah" and someone was to tell me "Then take your fat freaking ass to the gym and quit complaining." However, when Nik came over the other night, not only did she poke me and call me pudgy but she also let me know that she was concerned about my health due to all this weight gain, and that (yay her!) she is now a size 2! I was a little offended. Not about her being a size 2, but I watched her wrap one of my belts around her little body almost twice and it made me want to get out the butter knife and go after my body. Nik has always been tiny. And cute. And blonde. A guy we went to high school with nicknamed her Nuprin - Little, Yellow, Different. I am invisible to the male species when we go out together. And who could blame them? Considering our body to body ratio, I could easily be confused with the Jolly Green Giant - without the green of course. So anyway, the last thing I want to hear before we leave to go out for the night is how fat I am now. Doesn't make a girl feel too good. So I spent an extra 15 minutes tearing my closet apart to find something that didn't make me look so heiffish. We go out, the door guy IDs us and we had this exchange:

Me: I hate being IDed.

Her: I love it. I hope they are still IDing me when I am forty.

Me: Well, they probably will if you still look like a 12 year old boy.

:)

Crystal = 1
Skinny Girls Who Call Me Fat = 0

Bleh

Someone got to my site by searching this:

"bug bite getting bigger crusty in middle"

Not the first thing I wanna hear in the morning. I hope it cleared up.

Let the Pudge Begin!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

What is it with you people?

Why it gotta be "you people"?

The You People I am referring to in this post are the men that are trying to hook up with me while you have wives/girlfriend's/baby's mamas sitting at home wondering why you are late getting home with the milk/KY/drugs.

Por ejemplo, I went through the fianceé, the married, and then it happened again this week, which makes me wonder if I look like I would make a good sanchita/mistress/eff buddy. Just so you know, I don't walk around in outfits that come in a bag and I don't wear lacy unitards to the market. I don't approach men and I don't cast come-hither looks (unless I have had a few margaritas, but even then, my come-hither-look could easily be mistaken for i-am-extremely-constipated or i-think-i'm-going-to-puke). I started talking to another guy (unfortunately for him, we have a few mutual friends), and found out yesterday second-hand that he has a girlfriend. This information is a couple of weeks old so who knows what is going on. It's sad to me that this has become so "normal" in our society. It's sad when I am not surprised to hear it. It's sad that in the past two months, I have become way tougher/bitchier and way less sweet/innocent. Now I know where wrinkles and gray hair come from. It's all because of You People!

By the way, I will Pudge-Off soon. Haven't been home in a few days and feel a little strange taking hn pics in my office. First person to tell me what the heck this is wins 5 bucks. Denise thinks he posted the picture upside down to throw us off.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Give Denise a Hug!!

Thanks, Nik

My friend Nikki came over last night. I was walking around in my bra and jeans when she poked my stomach and asked why I was getting so pudgy.

In a way, I am glad that someone had the nerve to tell me that I am gaining weight noticeably.

In another way, I want to punch her in the face.

Another Pick-Up Line

Well, gentlemen, you may want to use this one after you have already picked her up.

Guy: In my former life, I must have saved at least 3 million people, because I don't know why else God would have rewarded me with you.

Yeah. I know it's cheesy. I am no longer seeing the guy, but that's not why. This is the line I heard that very same night.

Guy's Friend's Girlfriend: So have you met his wife?

Nice huh?

Foiled again.

Stupid men. Stupid me.

More, More, More




Another hump - Courtesy of Kevin.
















Another Bird.

Kevin & Steph










Nikki, the beer is inside the bottle.

The next photo installation should be people licking things.